Where do I start? Where do I start? The words don't come easily today.
I'm planning to talk to the police.
The thought of it stifles every word I try to find. Every word is stolen away before I can speak or write it down.
I've been dong so well in talking to my therapist I'd almost forgotten that I've not talked to anyone else. I'd forgotten how difficult talking is. This is the same silence that struck me dumb right after the abuse. I'd tried to talk back then: to my parents, to my friends, to the police, but I was completely unable to find the words. I tried to write it down so many times but couldn't get so much as half a sentence. I didn't understand what had happened to me so that even if I had been able to talk I wouldn't have been able to tell them what C did.
My therapist suggested I talked to the police at our last session and I like the idea. This will be a way for me to start making this real and not just some horrible nightmare that I talk about.
So what's the problem talking now?
I don't really know. I keep hitting a wall. I like the idea in principle but every time I try to take any action towards actually speaking the police I trigger. There is some part of me that's been fighting for so long to be heard, "shouting in silence", and the idea of it actually being heard, the idea of me acknowledging "yes this really happened" triggers me every time.
Never the less I will be talking to the police. I've made up my mind. I want this.
Maybe if I make a list of the things I need to do it will help me...
To be able to talk I need to:
Set a Date
Putting a date on going to the police will help me by forcing me to make progress with other things. Otherwise I know I'll just put it off again like I have done for the past two years.
Find someone to take me
I can't do on my own or I'll have a meltdown. I need someone to take me to the police station with me, someone who can look after me if I break down. That's going to be tough because the only friends who know what happened aren't the really emotional type and I'm nervous about them seeing me in a state.
Write Down what happened
I'm planning to have my statement written before I get to the police station and take a typed copy with me. Even if they want me to talk it will give me something to focus on to help me keep it together. I've tried starting this already but that's making me trigger so I'll need to talk to my therapist about it and get some help.
I don't know how severe the after effects are going to be so I'll need to tell work what's going on before hand. That's going to be a fun conversation with a manager that has no clue there is even anything wrong.
I need to take this slowly
This is simple. It's easy. It's nothing I've not already talked about. It scares me.
I feel like there's been some little voice inside me that's been screaming in silence for fifteen years. Like a TV on mute.
There's some force like a blanket of silence that hits me every time I try to let the little voice be heard. That force wants to keep me silent so much that it may silence me all together and strike me dumb again. I have to take this slowly so that I don't get overwhelmed.
Progress is like this sometimes
I've come so far that I can now speak out. I can talk to the police. But it isn't easy.