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About 00000000

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    Haven't worked out where I fit in yet.

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  1. I'm so sick of hearing "why didn't they come forward sooner". When I got out, my abuser pulled of a masterful piece of misdirection. He convinced my girlfriend dump me. He manipulated her into thinking I was terrifyingly evil so she wouldn't listen to a word I said. He made her afraid and suddenly alone. So she hung out with another of his victims. Maybe even dated that guy. Who knows. What I do know is that other guy was too far gone (brainwashed) to be able to protect her from Him. After I got out, I found it so hard to talk. A cold choking silence would take over me if I d
  2. I was reminded recently by another user of just how hard I found relationships after abuse. I was the victim of "puppet master abuse" over some months, forced to do things with my girlfriend by a truly disguising man. In the years that followed this left me believing some of his most destructive lies. Many of them took years to work through; a process that involved experiencing life and seeing the truth with my own eyes. Every area of my life had been tainted. I had to completely relationships with my family. College and work life was messed up. Making friendships was hard as I
  3. We English don't talk about Sex. We're known for it. I've only ever talked about it at length with two people: V - The girl I fell in love with at 17 C - The old man who subsequently abused both me and V So it's hard for me as an English man and a survivor to even type the word without getting nervous. But it is a subject that is inevitably going to be difficult for many survivors. There will be many different reasons for it to be difficult. In my last two therapy sessions I've tried to talk about it, about the fears I have being in a sexu
  4. I've taken a break from writing for a while. I've been uncertain how to continue without breaking my golden rule: Anonymity. When I first joined After Silence I was so afraid to speak about myself that I picked a name which conveyed nothing about myself "00000000". Actually it conveyed two things... It conveyed the fact I like computers and it conveyed they way I thought of myself... "null", "nothing", "zero". Over the past few months my experiences have been so unique that I haven't dared talk about them for fear of being recognised. Other events from the past few months have be
  5. I though I was doing so well I see it on the forums and I hear it from so many fellow survivors. I've said it myself enough times to loose count. In the early days after abuse it's hard to think about recovery but we begin to notice ... ...I made it though another day... ...I made it through a day with only a couple of breakdowns... ...I didn't breakdown today at all. These little things help give us hope. They show us that we're on the mend and they show us we're not always going to hurt this much. As time passes we think about recovery as a series of achievement
  6. 00000000

    A Long Month

    Its been a while since I've written here. I guess I've had too much going on and too much I didn't understand to be able to write about it. Physically Trigged A month ago I struggled with my subconscious becoming triggered. I could be talking calmly when I realised my voice had cracked and my chest was pounding. It was strange finding myself with all the physical symptoms of being overwhelmed, yet being totally calm and happy. What's worse, these symptoms hit me while I was trying to date. Just flirting with a girl I liked (E) caused me to physically shake. E was fun to talk to.
  7. It’s dangerous for me to remember what I want to talk about. On Friday I lost time during therapy. I spent an hour there and I only remember about ten minutes. What I “knew” when I was seventeen was wrong: I didn’t think there was anything sexual going on when we met C. What he’d done was to play chess and teach us his own peculiar brand of psychology. He used it to predict what we’d do. He’d taught us we were in danger without him. He’d taught us we were dangerous without him. We were the one’s who’d done things in front of him. He’d taught us we were Evil. It was my mum
  8. Where do I start? Where do I start? The words don't come easily today. I'm planning to talk to the police. The thought of it stifles every word I try to find. Every word is stolen away before I can speak or write it down. I've been dong so well in talking to my therapist I'd almost forgotten that I've not talked to anyone else. I'd forgotten how difficult talking is. This is the same silence that struck me dumb right after the abuse. I'd tried to talk back then: to my parents, to my friends, to the police, but I was completely unable to find the words. I tried to write it d
  9. Once upon a time there was a teenage boy who fell in love with a girl his age. He was too shy to tell her how he felt but became friends with her. He loved the colour of her eyes, the way she smiled, the way she beat him at chess mercilessly. As they grew up they went their separate ways and for a year after school didn’t see one another. After the first year of college the boy called the girl up and got chatting. He found out she now had a boyfriend. Jokingly he said “so who do I have to be jealous of?”. Something in the silence that followed told him everything he needed to know;
  10. 00000000

    I kissed him

    I talked! On Friday I finally managed to tell my therapist that I kissed my abuser. I'm sorry I keep obsessing over this one. I guess it's just shaken me a lot. Talking about it helped it to feel real. There's some part of me that has been shouting in silence for fifteen years and it's a relieved to have now been heard. I guess it hit me hard because I've not had any new memories return for a number of years and I'd forgotton how potent they can be. Sure I've had a bunch of revalations more recently as a good deal more detail returned but nothing really new. Well nothing if you exclud
  11. Triggerd Pounding pressure on my chest hands shaking and barely able to get a word out. And all of this because I tried to say that I kissed my abuser. I went to therapy knowing I wanted to talk about this new memory. Its a small memory, yes, but in context it’s so surreal and disturbing. I tried to talk about it. I failed. My therapist still doesn’t know what I wanted to talk about. I was talking quite calmly up to that point and not feeling emotional at all but then my body just lost control. I tried to talk around it, I tried changing the subject completely but nothing worke
  12. I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow. Its been a few weeks since I last did because she has been away on holiday. When we last met I was doing really well and I thought might not need therapy again. Three weeks later I 'm wondering how I'm going to make it through the 22 hours to our session. Everything has built up like a pressure cooker that's had its valve opened. Without being able to talk I suddenly feel like the valve is closed and things are building up. I think I went too far and let too many memories come out this time. My abuser did so much to brainwash me and in the
  13. I lie to myself I think its important to be real. I do lie to myself about the abuse and despite the fact that nobody ever said this is a good thing I do believe it has been necessary. Please don't misunderstand me I'm not suggesting that you start lying to yourself. But the lies we tell ourselves can be there to protect us. Unpicking the lies can be a difficult and even dangerous. Before I go any further... It is not your fault. No matter how many layers of lies you've constructed it is not your fault. You don't need to rush to find the truth. It's okay to let the lies be. The
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