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TW: intimacy

teaandcoffee

Entry posted by teaandcoffee ·

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Feeling the need to write! Feeling the need for release!

 

I apologise to anyone who may read this: warning, its quite explicit.  But this seems like a safe space to be able to vent.  To admit the darkest secrets without judgement.  Its so nice not to be alone!

TW: intimacy/ sex

...

 

The other night, I had sex with a long term friend and parter.  We were in a relationship, but as I became less and less able to handle the intimacy, we moved to an open relationship and  we have been falling apart ever since.  I don't care.  I love him so much, but I feel too damaged for him.  He is perfect, and sweet and gentle and so caring.  I feel like my past and my pain marrs his perfection. 

He is so understanding, but I treat him so badly.  I lie about sex all the time.  Sometimes intimacy, even hugging, is hard for me.  It hurts him to see me keeping my distance or shying away.  He needs hugs, he likes to be able to feel close to me.  So I give him what he wants, to make him happy.  I don't mind, a hug is just two bodies touching.  But somewhere, somehow it triggers my mind, and I have to hide my tears. 

The other night was especially bad.  He wants to pleasure me, so I let him touch me.  He thinks I can O with him.  I haven't ever been able to do it.  I lie.  When the pain of being touched becomes unbearable, I pretend I have finished.  He believes me.  I am a horrible person.  When he had sex with me, I hid my face so he couldn't see the tears.  I wiped them away when he didn't notice. 

This man is so gentle, loving and caring.  He deserves better than me.  I wish I could tell him the truth, but I have gone too far down the pathway of lies for him to forgive me or himself for hurting me. 

...

 

Reading the posts on here, knowing I am not alone gives me strength.  I have never felt more validated for my feelings than here.  So, thank you to everyone. 

4 Comments

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teaandcoffee

I definitely should!  I know he will be supportive, I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't tell him.  Thank you for your advice :) I will try to talk to him properly and admit everything!

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aftersilence1

So sorry that you are going through this and that the pain of your abuse is affecting your ability to enjoy a consensual relationship. I think that as survivors we frequently feel like we can't set boundaries or express our own needs. It seems like it's particularly hard for us to do this in the area of physical intimacy. Abuse teaches us that we don't have any control over our own bodies, and that it's okay for other people's desires to overrule our own. I know that I tend to feel that way. If someone is touching me, and it makes me uncomfortable, it's hard for me to say anything. I usually just freeze and wait for it to be over. I didn't even realize this tendency until recently, and I'm now working on it with my therapist. 

It's okay for you to want different things then he does in terms of physical intimacy. It's not about him. It's about how you're feeling and what makes you feel safe. This isn't something you are doing to him. It's just the reality of where you are right now. You don't owe him sex. You don't even owe him an explanation about why you don't want to have sex. As radical as it may sound, you have a default right to determine who, what, when, where, and how you are willing to engage in or not engage in physical intimacy. It's an inherent right, and you don't have to earn it.

From what you've described, it sounds like your partner will understand. If he doesn't, that's not your fault. It's not your fault that you haven't told him sooner. You weren't able to. If he feels guilty when you tell him, you can reassure him that it's not his fault. He didn't know. But, his guilt feelings won't be your fault either. All of this is the fault of those who abused you.  

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SLP

I have been in a very similar situation to the one you just described. I torture myself over things like this too. It's ok - it's not your fault, and it's never too late to be honest with someone and to be honest with yourself. I wish you the best.

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