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  1. To my friends, who are coming to terms with traumatic events: life is cruel. It takes us and it beats us and it breaks us. We carry this pain with us because we are too afraid to process reality. We cannot process reality. How do we deal with what has happened to us? Such different events have broken us in ways we cannot even begin to understand ourselves. And how can we even begin to express what we cannot put into words? But I understand. And you understand. We cannot fathom what the other has been through. But the process of recovery, this my friend, I can relate too. I am further along then you- I know the road and I will be here when you fall, if only you let me. Do not be ashamed or afraid to ask for help. I have no judgement. I cannot judge, for I have been there too. I have nothing but the deepest love for you. If I could take this burden away from you I would do it a thousand times over. I would do anything for you to be healthy and happy and free of this suffering. I cannot take away your pain, but let me help carry your load.
  2. Responses

    Thank you ☺️ I hope one day we have freedom from these words
  3. Responses

    ‘Too bad another guy spoilt my fun’ ... ’your so broken no one will ever love you like I love you’ ... ’never speak of this again with anybody else - no one should know this about you’ ... ’you are being over dramatic, get over it’ ... ’you are not fun anymore’ ... words that follow me and shape my life. Words that people have said in response to me telling them what happened. Words hurt
  4. Hello once again, Two years later and here I am again! I hope life has treated you well these past few years. This is going to be quite a long ramble about where I am in terms of coping with what happened. It was quite a bizzare feeling to read the words I had written two years ago. And do you know what’s really strange? The same trigger that caused me to start writing two years ago caused me to come back here - intimate, long term, relationships. (For some reason this seems to be a huge issue for me - probably because I crave it and yet fear it all at the same time) And reading the words that I wrote two years ago was shocking. It was like nothing has changed. But actually, my mentality has changed- I will try and outline this change (maybe you have experienced a similar progression?) So, as coherently as I can, here goes: - so initially (~ 3 years) utterly and shocked and numb, pretend everything’s fine because I was completely unable to accept what had happened. An example of this would be getting angry when someone told me I had been r*ped - far too terrified to actually admit it. - ( 2 years ) slowly realising everything’s not fine - I have to face what happened, and realise that it’s changed me. This realisation that it didn’t matter if people believed me or not, it had changed me dramatically. No matter what others thought or said, they couldn’t change how I felt and what I felt was real. - (1 year - current state) mourning my past self. I’m no longer going to be who I was before and I should not try to be who I was before. It’s time to relearn who I am. So currently I feel very naive. I’m finally ‘awake’ and have no illusions. I was raped, struggled to cope and pretended I was fine. I am not fine, I won’t be fine again, but maybe that’s okay. It’s time to learn how to live with this new normal. It’s hard though. It’s hard to let go of who I was before (6 years ago... it’s crazy) and it’s hard to reconcile who I feel I am now with societal expectations and pressures. For example, I think that I don’t want a long term, committed relationship right now- and maybe never will. (Because I am scared of how vulnerable it makes me and don’t think I am ready for it yet) But, I’m a 24 year old women, many of my friends are starting to build futures with their partners. And I’m starting to get questions - why are you not dating? Why are you not looking for someone ... you will be alone forever! But secretly... I think I do want it. So here we are again. I met a person and I really started to like him a lot. These feelings of love (?) / loneliness / desire (?) have brought me back here. Because how can we cope with these things? Of course relationships (and I really do only mean this very committed long term intimate relationship when I use this word) will be a huge hurdle- physical intimacy is terrifying, the power dynamic is terrifying, the ‘oh wow sorry I’m so messed up I’m not worthy of love and too inadequate for your love’ situation is terrifying. So terrifying, that just feeling physical / emotional attraction and desire is enough to reopen old wounds
  5. Screaming silently

    Thank you for the tip about RAINN I didn't know that, I might check it out You are so brave for emailing the center- if you can do that I am sure you can do anything! I admire you courage, and I hope that everything goes well for you when you can get to your intake!
  6. Jealousy

    Content warning: Sex --- I was talking with a guy, and he told me about how he and his ex were able to have simultaneous orgasms. He smiled as he told me how he could feel her body shake, and her legs tense up as she reached climax. Another friend, telling me how his ex had been amazing at pleasuring him, and she had loved sex. "The best sex I ever had" he sighed. My guy friends often talk to me about their sexual experiences. And each time I get told about how good a girl is in bed, I break a little inside. I can never be that. No matter how much I love and respect a guy, I will never not be broken. Maybe I will be mended, but I will never be new and undamaged again. How can I love a guy, when I cannot match the standard he is used to?
  7. A simple Question

    Content warning, sex, fetishes. --- A simple question, asked by a friend "do you have any fetishes?". This friend does not know my background, and, in her eyes, as promiscuous person, I am a good person to turn to for advice. I like to help her. I vehemently warn her to be careful, yet to have fun, I so desperately want her to have the freedom and the security of being able to explore herself with men that she loves and trusts. So even though talking about sex can be painful, I encourage it. But this question surprised me. "Of course I do" came the automatic reply before I could even think of it. She smiled, and began to list a few, asking if I had done them. She wanted to bring them up with one of her men, but was worried of how they would view them. I reassured her, told her that many people welcome the ability to openly discuss their likes and dislikes "But what are some of yours?" She asked. I thought over my sex life. I thought about what I request of men, what I consider to be 'good' sex. "I like to be submissive," I replied, "I like when a man uses my body and doesn't try to please me. I like it when I am just a body to him" I lied. I like being used in that way because its easy. I don't want any attention on me because I am scared that they will see that I am not enjoying it. I cover my face in sex. A guy once got annoyed and kept pulling my arms away from my face. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I cried. Eventually, the men who I see more regularly get used to me pushing their hands away, their faces away. I try to disguise this by pretending I am just desperate for them inside my body. Some are curious, asking me why I won't let them pleasure me. "I don't cum with guys", "I only do that with boyfriends, not fuck buddies" are the easy lies. "Do you have any other fetishes?" asked my friend, a little disappointed. I think she expected more from me. She knows I have experimented with things. I searched through my mind, trying to come up with something feasible, I turned to my thoughts ... What did I want from sex? What did I genuinely want? My thoughts were not even about fetishes anymore. Unbidden, a hidden memory came to the surface of my thoughts: "You are too damaged for anyone else to love you! You need me!" An ex-boyfriends words, spoken in the midst of a painful (for both of us) break up. I am sure that he has forgotten those words. I am sure that when he said them, he didn't mean them. But they won't leave me. "too damaged" My hidden fear is that it is true. That if I let someone get as close as I let him get, that if I start breaking down the walls that stop me from relaxing with a guy, that they will see the broken pieces. So I keep going through guys, not get attached, staying distant. But still going there, for the warped validation that i am still 'sexual', that i am still 'attractive', and to perpetuate the lies that I tell myself. "I am not broken. I am in control. I can have sex. I chose to do this, so I want to do it". ... My friend was looking at me questioningly. In my head, I wanted to say, "My secret fetish is to be able to cum with a guy I trust and like. To feel safe. To look forward to sex. To get horny. To be "unbroken"" I smiled even though I felt like crying in frustration and hurt, and out loud I said, "Oh, well, I like to have sex in public", I lied.
  8. Seeking safety

    Thankyou. It is so helpful to have a place that is open enough to be able to really say what I mean. .It was daunting at first, and I kept rewriting, but after a few tries, you gain in confidence and the words start coming. If you ever feel the need to express yourself, I encourage you to try it and if i can help you, I am here
  9. Screaming silently

    Thankyou I am scared to go there But I need to get over that fear. Thankyou for reminding me that this is available to me
  10. Screaming silently

    I have so many good friends, a caring tutor and loving family. But I am unable to even mention my secrets to them. The words don't come. I skate around the issue. Even when I'm breaking down and I'm unable to get out of bed because I am so scared of the world, so frightened, so vulnerable... I cannot say it. I cannot admit the extent of what happened. Many of my friends know what happened, many of them offered me help. But I am ashamed to admit how much it hurts. "Oh but that was months ago!" for them, a distant memory. For me, an ever present reality. I want help, I need help. But I cannot ask for it. Even reading back this blog, I feel a frustration at my inability to express myself. It's like procrastinating for an exam. You busy yourself with the little things, and you tell yourself you are making progress. Whilst you are not studying for the exam, you are still being "useful", e.g. cleaning your room/ doing your groceries ect. Meanwhile the deadline for the exam gets ever closer. And the closer the deadline is, the harder it is to start. The amount of work that you have to do to prepare yourself for the exam is so big, and it gets bigger and bigger, until you either panic study the night before the test, or you decide to give up. This analogy seems to fit with my recovery process. I feel like my mind is slowly waking up from the shock of what happened. And I really cannot deal with it. So little symptoms of the real problem start to develop. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders. Okay, lets try and get healthy first. Yes, I managed to go out and go to class today! I did something "useful"! I am slowly getting better! But deep within myself I know I am not. In fact its getting worse. And I am scared. Because inevitably there will be a 'deadline.' Either I get help. Or I break.
  11. Seeking safety

    Thankyou for your reply Its good to know that we are not alone! I hope that you find your safe place :))
  12. Seeking safety

    Content warning: Sex ---- Ever since the event (the second event), I feel so broken. My confidence, my security, and my innate sense of self was shattered. And now I am just existing. I am so different. I am promiscuous. It doesn't make sense. I don't really enjoy it. Yet I still actively do it. With new people, different people, people I don't really want. Why? And then, it hit me. I am not after the sex. I am not even after the people. I am trying to find something. Something unobtainable. I want the thing that broke me to fix me. I want to feel safe again. To feel loved. But I am too vulnerable to love. I shield myself from pain, from hurt, from emotion. To the point where I shut off everything. And I am just existing. Looking for anything that might make me live again.
  13. scared

    im breaking. im lying in bed crying and i cant get up. only the fear of failing keeps me from closing my eyes and forgetting the world. Im so emotionally drained and exhausted. i dont want to have to fight all the time to do what i need to do, what i want to do. I'm so scared.
  14. A mistake

    **TRIGGER WARNING** alcohol, abuse ---- I am a drunken fool. I was leaving a party and was offered a lift to the station. A friend was going in the same direction, and said he would walk me the rest of the way to the station. He didnt take me to the station. he took me to his house. "Its not safe, the last train has left, you cannot get home. This area is not safe" "you stay here, I will look after you" I didn't know where i was, where the station was. Was it really dangerous outside? I went into the house. I was uncomfortable. I tried to leave. he restrained me. physically stopped me from leaving. and, as i drunkenly passed out, he used my body for his pleasure. i would come to semi-conciousness and feel him on my body. Pushing him off. telling him no. drifting into unconciousness. The cycle repeated. and afterwards, lying there. In shock. Frozen. I dont know how long I was lying there for. But eventually i came to. I ran. It was 4am, in a place I didn't know. But it was safer for me on the streets.
  15. TW: intimacy

    I definitely should! I know he will be supportive, I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't tell him. Thank you for your advice I will try to talk to him properly and admit everything!