To my friends, who are coming to terms with traumatic events:
life is cruel. It takes us and it beats us and it breaks us. We carry this pain with us because we are too afraid to process reality. We cannot process reality. How do we deal with what has happened to us? Such different events have broken us in ways we cannot even begin to understand ourselves. And how can we even begin to express what we cannot put into words?
But I understand. And you understand. We cannot fathom what
‘Too bad another guy spoilt my fun’
’your so broken no one will ever love you like I love you’
’never speak of this again with anybody else - no one should know this about you’
’you are being over dramatic, get over it’
’you are not fun anymore’
words that follow me and shape my life. Words that people have said in response to me telling them what happened.
Hello once again,
Two years later and here I am again! I hope life has treated you well these past few years. This is going to be quite a long ramble about where I am in terms of coping with what happened.
It was quite a bizzare feeling to read the words I had written two years ago.
And do you know what’s really strange? The same trigger that caused me to start writing two years ago caused me to come back here - intimate, long term, relationships. (For some reason this seems to
Content warning: Sex
I was talking with a guy, and he told me about how he and his ex were able to have simultaneous orgasms. He smiled as he told me how he could feel her body shake, and her legs tense up as she reached climax.
Another friend, telling me how his ex had been amazing at pleasuring him, and she had loved sex. "The best sex I ever had" he sighed.
My guy friends often talk to me about their sexual experiences.
And each time I get told abou
Content warning, sex, fetishes.
A simple question, asked by a friend "do you have any fetishes?". This friend does not know my background, and, in her eyes, as promiscuous person, I am a good person to turn to for advice. I like to help her. I vehemently warn her to be careful, yet to have fun, I so desperately want her to have the freedom and the security of being able to explore herself with men that she loves and trusts. So even though talking about sex can be pai
I have so many good friends, a caring tutor and loving family.
But I am unable to even mention my secrets to them. The words don't come. I skate around the issue. Even when I'm breaking down and I'm unable to get out of bed because I am so scared of the world, so frightened, so vulnerable... I cannot say it. I cannot admit the extent of what happened. Many of my friends know what happened, many of them offered me help. But I am ashamed to admit how much it hurts. "Oh but that was months a
Ever since the event (the second event), I feel so broken. My confidence, my security, and my innate sense of self was shattered.
And now I am just existing. I am so different. I am promiscuous. It doesn't make sense. I don't really enjoy it. Yet I still actively do it. With new people, different people, people I don't really want.
And then, it hit me. I am not after the sex. I am not even after the people. I am trying to find somethi
im breaking. im lying in bed crying and i cant get up. only the fear of failing keeps me from closing my eyes and forgetting the world. Im so emotionally drained and exhausted. i dont want to have to fight all the time to do what i need to do, what i want to do.
I'm so scared.
I am a drunken fool.
I was leaving a party and was offered a lift to the station. A friend was going in the same direction, and said he would walk me the rest of the way to the station.
He didnt take me to the station. he took me to his house. "Its not safe, the last train has left, you cannot get home. This area is not safe"
"you stay here, I will look after you"
I didn't know where i was, where the station was. Was it r
Feeling the need to write! Feeling the need for release!
I apologise to anyone who may read this: warning, its quite explicit. But this seems like a safe space to be able to vent. To admit the darkest secrets without judgement. Its so nice not to be alone!
TW: intimacy/ sex
The other night, I had sex with a long term friend and parter. We were in a relationship, but as I became less and less able to handle the intimacy, we moved to an open relationship a
Strange to be able to find a safe place to write and vent, without fear of discovery. It's taken a few weeks of writing and deleting things before I have found the courage to publish my thought. It's a little odd to write this as a first post. I have been triggered recently, and have not been able to reset to normality since. My mind keeps returning to my past, and in turn, I force myself into the future. Don't sit down! Don't relax! Go out, meet people. At all costs, do not be alone with