Content warning, sex, fetishes.
A simple question, asked by a friend "do you have any fetishes?". This friend does not know my background, and, in her eyes, as promiscuous person, I am a good person to turn to for advice. I like to help her. I vehemently warn her to be careful, yet to have fun, I so desperately want her to have the freedom and the security of being able to explore herself with men that she loves and trusts. So even though talking about sex can be painful, I encourage it.
But this question surprised me.
"Of course I do" came the automatic reply before I could even think of it.
She smiled, and began to list a few, asking if I had done them. She wanted to bring them up with one of her men, but was worried of how they would view them. I reassured her, told her that many people welcome the ability to openly discuss their likes and dislikes
"But what are some of yours?" She asked.
I thought over my sex life. I thought about what I request of men, what I consider to be 'good' sex.
"I like to be submissive," I replied, "I like when a man uses my body and doesn't try to please me. I like it when I am just a body to him"
I like being used in that way because its easy. I don't want any attention on me because I am scared that they will see that I am not enjoying it. I cover my face in sex. A guy once got annoyed and kept pulling my arms away from my face. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I cried.
Eventually, the men who I see more regularly get used to me pushing their hands away, their faces away. I try to disguise this by pretending I am just desperate for them inside my body.
Some are curious, asking me why I won't let them pleasure me. "I don't cum with guys", "I only do that with boyfriends, not fuck buddies" are the easy lies.
"Do you have any other fetishes?" asked my friend, a little disappointed. I think she expected more from me. She knows I have experimented with things. I searched through my mind, trying to come up with something feasible,
I turned to my thoughts ...
What did I want from sex? What did I genuinely want?
My thoughts were not even about fetishes anymore. Unbidden, a hidden memory came to the surface of my thoughts:
"You are too damaged for anyone else to love you! You need me!" An ex-boyfriends words, spoken in the midst of a painful (for both of us) break up. I am sure that he has forgotten those words. I am sure that when he said them, he didn't mean them. But they won't leave me.
My hidden fear is that it is true. That if I let someone get as close as I let him get, that if I start breaking down the walls that stop me from relaxing with a guy, that they will see the broken pieces. So I keep going through guys, not get attached, staying distant. But still going there, for the warped validation that i am still 'sexual', that i am still 'attractive', and to perpetuate the lies that I tell myself. "I am not broken. I am in control. I can have sex. I chose to do this, so I want to do it".
My friend was looking at me questioningly.
In my head, I wanted to say, "My secret fetish is to be able to cum with a guy I trust and like. To feel safe. To look forward to sex. To get horny. To be "unbroken""
I smiled even though I felt like crying in frustration and hurt, and out loud I said, "Oh, well, I like to have sex in public",