I haven't been on here in a while, but I've finally started to feel better and I wanted to share something on my blog that is for the most part positive. While my past continues to haunt me, I have learned how to deal with it. At first, I will admit I thought I had just gotten used to what I was feeling that I was never going to move on from my darkened past. A few months back, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have been trying really hard to pick up and move on. I couldn't, I had thought that I was never going to get better that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I struggled to find the positive in much of anything that was going on in my life. I will admit, I still struggle with this but not as much. During my therapy appointment this week, my therapist had pointed out to me that I had reached the "acceptance" stage in my recovery. Meaning, after the nine long months of feeling like shit all the time and dealing with thinking about the events of my assault all the time. I had finally accepted my feelings and was ready to move on. I know I still have a long way to go in my recovery, but it feels good having made some progress. Dealing with the memories of my assault has changed my life. Having to deal with depression and anxiety, finding a good dose of meds to be on, and trying new ones has been draining. All I have wanted is to just be me again or at least feel better. I finally feel like I've made a step forward in the right direction.
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It's been quite some time since I've been on here or posted much. After I remembered everything, I felt like shit, was depressed, unmotivated and all I wanted was to move on from the trauma I experienced in my past. I am have been in therapy for this whole process. My husband and I where in the process of moving, I was dealing with the healing process from my trauma and finding a place to live. It felt like too much. So I made the decision to not focus on the trauma in therapy for quite some time. Mainly because I had thought ”I don't want to feel like this if I just ignore it ill feel better”. My thoughts were correct at first, I felt great. My husband and I found a place to live and got settled in. When I didn't have the move to focus on, I started thinking about my sexual assault again, going through the events in my head over and over again. I have been depressed for weeks. My therapist believes that since I left the work on the trauma unfinished, that I still need to process the trauma and finish what I started in the healing process.
I feel SO foolish, I would be feeling better already if I hadn't made the choice to stop talking about the trauma in therapy for so long. I'm not going to give up again. I'm going to do everything I can to feel better and move on. I hate that I made that decision to do everything I could to avoid thinking about it and to stop the healing process...
About two months ago, I remembered what happened to me...what happened, happened 11+ years ago. I was sexually assaulted by a close friend. Now I am just trying to learn how to cope with it, and get better. At first, I had nightmares 3 to 4 times a week. There was a time when I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn't want to relive what happened to me. The nights when I have a nightmare, I wouldn't sleep well. I was anxious and depressed all day. I had to hold back the tears at work, it was draining pretending like nothing was going on. I sleep a lot because I get so tired from doing the simplest things. It's so frustrating, I hate being so tired all the time. I am still dealing with a great deal of anxiety, it's just not as bad. My therapist thinks it's because I spend so much of my day anxious, and a just crash at the end of the day. Now I only have a nightmare every couple of weeks. I haven't had one in about two weeks. I hope it stays that way...even though I have my doubts...
Usually, I am REALLY careful about what I watch, so I am not triggered. My husband even does what he can to read up on shows and movies, or even watch them before I do with him, to make sure I am not going to be triggered and tells me about it. He even fast-forwards through scenes that he knows will trigger me. I am SO thankful that he does that.
A few days ago, I had my first flashback...my husband and I were watching a TV show, and a rape scene came up (that he didn't know was coming, he can only do so much). I broke down crying, it felt like I was reliving my assault. I knew I was safe, I knew I wasn't being assaulted again. That didn't stop the emotions from coming in full force, it felt like I was 17 again. LIke I was there, being assaulted again. Ever since then, I have been even more tired than usual. I haven't been able to pull myself out of this funk...I hate it...I hate feeling so broken...
It feels like I am taking two steps forward one step back...like I am never going to get better...I hate feeling so broken...