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pohi

It's been quite some time since I've been on here or posted much. After I remembered everything, I felt like shit, was depressed, unmotivated and all I wanted was to move on from the trauma I experienced in my past. I am have been in therapy for this whole process. My husband and I where in the process of moving, I was dealing with the healing process from my trauma and finding a place to live. It felt like too much. So I made the decision to not focus on the trauma in therapy for quite some time. Mainly because I had thought ”I don't want to feel like this if I just ignore it ill feel better”. My thoughts were correct at first, I felt great. My husband and I found a place to live and got settled in. When I didn't have the move to focus on, I started thinking about my sexual assault again, going through the events in my head over and over again. I have been depressed for weeks. My therapist believes that since I left the work on the trauma unfinished, that I still need to process the trauma and finish what I started in the healing process. 

 

I feel SO foolish, I would be feeling better already if I hadn't made the choice to stop talking about the trauma in therapy for so long. I'm not going to give up again. I'm going to do everything I can to feel better and move on. I hate that I made that decision to do everything I could to avoid thinking about it and to stop the healing process...

pohi

About two months ago, I remembered what happened to me...what happened, happened 11+ years ago. I was sexually assaulted by a close friend. Now I am just trying to learn how to cope with it, and get better. At first, I had nightmares 3 to 4 times a week. There was a time when I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn't want to relive what happened to me. The nights when I have a nightmare, I wouldn't sleep well. I was anxious and depressed all day. I had to hold back the tears at work, it was draining pretending like nothing was going on. I sleep a lot because I get so tired from doing the simplest things. It's so frustrating, I hate being so tired all the time. I am still dealing with a great deal of anxiety, it's just not as bad. My therapist thinks it's because I spend so much of my day anxious, and a just crash at the end of the day. Now I only have a nightmare every couple of weeks. I haven't had one in about two weeks. I hope it stays that way...even though I have my doubts...

Usually, I am REALLY careful about what I watch, so I am not triggered. My husband even does what he can to read up on shows and movies, or even watch them before I do with him, to make sure I am not going to be triggered and tells me about it. He even fast-forwards through scenes that he knows will trigger me. I am SO thankful that he does that.  

A few days ago, I had my first flashback...my husband and I were watching a TV show, and a rape scene came up (that he didn't know was coming, he can only do so much). I broke down crying, it felt like I was reliving my assault. I knew I was safe, I knew I wasn't being assaulted again. That didn't stop the emotions from coming in full force, it felt like I was 17 again. LIke I was there, being assaulted again. Ever since then, I have been even more tired than usual. I haven't been able to pull myself out of this funk...I hate it...I hate feeling so broken...

It feels like I am taking two steps forward one step back...like I am never going to get better...I hate feeling so broken...

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