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About this blog

I'm new to this kind of thing,but super excited to let some feelings out. I just started Counceling with a new therapist and for the first time ever im completely honest about my feelings about the relatives that molested me. it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be to express my love/attraction for them even though it's completely weird in our society I cant help how I feel. Yes they abused me as a child but I still love them. It's crazy. 

Anyways just wanted to write a little something something. Will blog later. I'm hoping to find support here and hopefully connect with people like me. 

Entries in this blog

michelleteama

When you do these exercises do them some place you feel safe and will

not be disturbed. Only share what you are comfortable with, and only

with people you completely trust. If your not sure if you want to

share or not, try asking your inner child.

There is a difference between pretending to be a child and

experiencing the child within. Experiencing the inner child is often a

very physical thing, try to pay more attention to your body sensations

in everyday life as well as your urges to be silly/play and your

emotions which are often primal.

Try to observe children without judgement. Don't try to make them more

adult and grown up. Also try to notice adult's inner children. My dad

makes silly noises when plying with my dog, this is his inner child

peaking out. Remember that there is a difference between child LIKE

behaviors and childISH behaviors.

As you start inner child work, if you have mistreated your inner

child, it may not want to trust you. It may hide, or only want to come

out very slowly, a little at a time. Be respectful of your inner

child's needs. as you become a better parent to your inner child keep

in mind it is a child. judging it or making it ashamed of itself will

not help. allow your inner child to act/draw/write like a child!

Remember to do these exercises in a place you feel completely safe.

Also note that your inner child may change forms. It may not be the

same gender as you. It may have a different name, and it's name and

age may change often. Keep the exercises you do in a safe place and in

order. remember to go slow and at your own pace. dont feel pressured

to do the following all at once.

ACTIVITY 1:

materials: crayons and paper

1) you are about to meet your inner child. picture a beautiful,

comfortable, and safe place in the world where you two can meet.

2) close your eyes and imagine this place for moment picture your

inner child there, spend a few moments with them.

3) with your non dominant hand draw a picture of your r child.. take

your time and let it come naturally, dont try to force it or plan it

out. it may be awkward and slow. try to be patient

reflection: what was the experience like? did you judge your inner

child for its drawing not being perfect? or were you able to relax and

enjoy the inner child's art?

how do you feel about the drawing? what does the child in the picture

seem to say to you? on a new piece of paper with you dominant hand

write dont any reactions or comments about the drawing you have.

When you are ready, go on to the next exercise.

ACTIVITY 2:

materials: crayons, paper, inner child drawing from activity 1

1) look at the picture from activity 1. write out a conversation

between you and your inner child using your dominant hand (the hand

you usually write with) as your current "adult" self, and your other

hand (non dominant) as the child self. start the conversation by

telling the child you want to get to know it so you can take better

care of it. ask its name, ad anything else it wants to tell you: age,

how it feels, its likes & dislike, what it wants, etc.

2) ask your inner child to draw what it wants most at this time in your life

3) close the conversation by asking the child to tell you anything

else it wants you to know. thank the child for coing out and talking

with you. tell it you want to keep having these talks so you can get

to know each other better.

ACTIVITY 3:

when strong emotions come up in your everyday life, try letting your

inner child draw them with your non dominant hand. let the drawing be

expressive, it can be doodles, scribbles, lines and shapes or a more

formed object. if images appear thats fine, but don't plan what the

drawing will look like. just let it emerge. pay attention to the

colors your inner child chooses. select colors spontaneously, using

intution.

with your dominant hand reflect in writing about these exercises.

Hope These Help!

:candle: Megan

 

So I tried this and I was triggered. Im really upset about my parents not being there when I was being sexually abused. I forgive them but it makes me so mad thinking about how negligent they were.

michelleteama

Honesty

I truly believe that ever since I started blogging on here and reading everyone's story that I have been healing faster then ever. Thank YOU all for letting me share.:throb:

michelleteama

Today I learned some more about my personality. It was quite interesting...
I am definitely an introvert. But a unique type. According to Myers blah blah I am a 
INFP;INTROVERT,NURTURING,INTUITIVE,FEELING,PERCEPTIVE.
My meaning in life is to find out my purpose in life lol. Which is so true. I am constantly trying to figure out my purpose. Like I am constantly praying about this for years and it took 5 minutes on Pinterest to figure it out. My purpose is to heal the hurt. So I'm definitely getting close to figuring out my career path. Possibly psychologist,councelor. So I'm learning so much about me that I feel hopeful about my future. Yay for this breakthrough. Also therapy once a week has helped. Thank you Angela! 😇
Oh and this morning I went for a walk with Summer and Hershey's and I ran into a woman that was also walking her dog and I was nervous at first but she was friendly. So I was comfortable when I passed her again and complimented her dog for being cute. And she said the same back. I'm so happy that I was able to do a small interaction and keep smiling. 


Anyways...baby steps feel so good. Okay so last night I was looking up ways to stop being lazy without medication and some of the things are so mental that I didn't think it would work but it did. I pushed through my usual routine of sitting on the couch to eating breakfast then I sat on my parents bed watching Buried Alive. And I felt really sad for the hoarders bc I remembered last year I couldnt throw away anything even if it was infested with rats. I refused to throw anything away . I was super depressed about Shane leaving me and getting raped. My clothes and things were all I had left of my life with him. Anyways I realized that if I don't change my everyday behavior I'm going o get more obese and more tired that I'm going to give up with throwing things away when necessary so I stood up drank some coffee and went outside. Cleaned the living room put away dishes. I feel good about the choices I made today. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a productive day as well.  

michelleteama

The first time

 My cousin Chavo was 14 and I was 5.Him and I were left alone at home at night.I touched his genitals and made out. Almost got caught by his older brother Omar so he stuffed me under his covers I remember smelling his penis. Then hearing Omar step down the stairs. I don't remember anything after that...the next day he tickled me as usual but remember loving him so much. I would fantasize about him kissing my neck on top of my bed. I remember the Minnie mouse sheets and me wearing my favorite outfit it was a white skirt and top with a gold chain belt with a heart in the middle. 

Another cousin

• Age 5  Carlos was a year older then me and asked me to undress in the bathroom if not he would not play Nintendo with me so I did it and that was that. Next day same thing but we kissed this time and got caught by his dad. No one else found out.
• Age 6-13 made out in secret and performed hand jobs. I remember falling in love with him. 

michelleteama

Porn

I remember being fascinated by porn as a child...my grandmother walked in on me watching it once and she said to turn it off when mom and dad get home or I'll get in trouble. She was a really mean old lady and she made me sleep with her at night I hated it so much. I shared a bed with her and my cousin Frank. Same age but oddly enough I was never attracted to him and we never did anything that was sexual. He is the closest thing to a brother I had. We don't have that relationship anymore since of last year when I called the cops on our grandmother Rebecca. I thought she was abusing my child but I really think that I was triggered and started to see things that were similar to my childhood. Anyways she moved out of my house and into his. That was December 15. 2015. I did it bc Summer was showing signs of abuse and I was acting super vigilante. After her being gone for a long time I started to get better the flashbacks stopped I believe because she was so verbally abusive towards me as a child that when I would see her it would remind me of much abuse I went thru as a child and I'd be damned if it were to happen to my child. I hate myself...or when I'd see my daughter with her I saw me as a child hating my life bc she was so horrible to me. I just didn't want my kid to suffer like I did....so I don't know if she abused her or not. Everyone says she didn't and that I was having PTSD moment...it doesn't matter anyways she died in September and now my family hates me.especially my brother.Frank.
Those are assumptions. I didn't even attend the funeral out of shame.

 

 

 

michelleteama

Contacted my rapist

•Few days ago I contacted my Rapist from Alabama....i asked him if he could mail me my guitar. He said he'll try his best. Then he asked me if I'm coming to Birmingham anytime soon. I said maybe In December. For a whole day I tried my hardest to find his location and Facebook but no luck. Closest thing I have is home address and number. I feel empowered in a way knowing where he lives...hopefully I'll be strong enough one day to do something about that son of a bit*h.
 

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