Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at email@example.com
The Inner Child Thread
Posted 17 October 2005 - 07:48 PM
right now, she's mostly happy but still she feels confused at how things turned out.
here's a short letter to the little me:
i know that you still hurt, that you still cry because you dont understand how they could hurt you like that. i dont mean to shut you out sometimes, its just that you remind me of a different person, the little girl who saw sparkles everywhere. the part of me that really believes that if only i wish hard enough it might come true.
it hurts to see how they destroyed that, through what they did, and i dont blame you, it wasnt your fault. but when you scream for someone to save you and cry because you hate your daddy, because the pain is just too much to handle, i feel so helpless. how can i explain to you that i dont have answers for you, only more questions?
i want you to know that its okay to be angry, its okay to feel like you need someone. when you need someone, im here now.
what he did was a terrible thing, and it does not make you bad, no matter what. i know that i once convinced you that you were the most hateful part of me, that your mix of innocence and knowingness was something i detested, that i resented your confusion and pain. im so sorry for doing that and now i tell you every day that you are loved and that you are treaured by me. because you are what tells me that even though he ripped me apart, you survived that, and i needed to survive too so i could help you see that the world is more than a pretty painting with shadows underneath.
so we're in this together. and i promise that when you get scared i'll hold your hand and listen to you talk. i've spent so much time running, and you so much time hiding. so lets take some time just to "be".
Posted 18 October 2005 - 03:54 AM
What a beautiful letter to your inner child. So much of what you wrote was true for me and my inner child for so long. The wonderful thing about the inner child, at least mine, is that they are most resilient and forgiving. My inner child screamed in anguish for so many years that it seemed I was never going to pay any attention to her. When I was finally gently directed in her direction I fell in love with her.
None of what happened was ever her fault, but I was at fault for ignoring her for so long. When she and I had our first talks, I was hesitant and unable to truly voice all that I was feeling, yet she was patient and understanding with me. We realized I was not ignoring her out of cruelty or meanness of spirit, but because I didn't know how to console her and make amends for all those years of neglect.
As I said before, we are at peace with each other now. Sometimes she plays and I watch her. Sometimes we talk about things and I listen to her. Someimes we simply share our consciousness and I love her. Then I realize she is me, or at least a part of me and I am able to love myself. It's been a long lonely journey but now I have my inner child on my side and somehow it doesn't seem so long or so lonely.
Posted 18 October 2005 - 05:18 AM
Posted 18 October 2005 - 06:43 AM
yes she is the one, that tiny person inside you is your inner child.... like you i tried to ignore my inner child, it didn't really work, and i am only just beginning to acknowledge her now, but it has been hard.... sending you and your inner child lots of hugs
take your time and maybe one day you and your inner child may find inner peace together (hope that doesn't sound too much of a cliche')
thinking of you
Posted 18 October 2005 - 12:23 PM
Posted 18 October 2005 - 02:51 PM
i understand your curiosity on this one, have you maybe looked on google, and put inner child work in the search engine and see what that brings up.... i do have a good book at home about the inner child and how to connect with him/her, if you want the title of the book, i will route it out and PM you just let me know.
inner child work i guess is something that you 'have' to want to do, i mean here having to want to connect with the inner child, otherwise it maybe doesn't happen (this is from my experiences only, im not saying its true of everyone).
i'm not really sure if the inner child is the one that's feeling the emotions and pain, i think maybe your the one that's feeling the emotions and pain (or maybe your keyed into the emotions and pain more now, and perhaps wondering where it has all come from)... but i think that the inner child is the one welling up inside of you, and the one that wants to be let out.
I guess the relationship with the inner child, for some (including me) is one that we don't always want to have, and for a while most of us can push those inner children down and quieten them..... im not sure why the inner children suddenly jump up at us again, i guess maybe that varies for each person.
you say you want your inner child to go away, and that's fine its personal to you (but i hope i don't offend by aksing this) you also seem interested in inenr child work... so i wonder if you do really want your inner child to go away or maybe you are a little worried about what you will feel if you listen to the inner child in you. ... i know for me i am scared of listening to my inner child, so would quite happily banish her away, if only she'd go (she's very stubborn LOL) and she won't go away but she will work with me, and let me set the pace .....
it all signs kind of 'alien' i guess... but i find that my relationsghip with my inner child is like internal conversations, where we take turns to talk and listen to one another, reassure and confort one another, and even get angry at each other... somedays i forget all about my inner child, other days she is very much at the forefront of my mind (more so since this thread started).... and its definatly a love hate relationship, i am learning to get to know her... but right now i won't listen to why she is hurting because i (as the adult) feel to raw, but like i say i am connecting with her slowly...
it can be scary, but i reckon the inner child is a large part of us, they ahve too been hurt, and they too deserve to have the chance to heal.
sorry i have gone on and on, i could talk about inenr child work forever more, but im about to go babysitting, if you want to discuss this anymore, feel free to PM, otherwise, take care, and hope this post maybe helped a little.
Posted 18 October 2005 - 07:59 PM
I hate you right now, and I am pissed at you, and I wish you would leave me the hell alone, stop making me cry.
Posted 19 October 2005 - 04:47 AM
Posted 21 October 2005 - 04:29 AM
These last few days have been a little weird, haven't they? I know you felt lots of love with Kathleen on Wednesday, so much that you couldn't stop smiling but then that it all felt like it got taken away again. I know you've been really, really scared and sad since then.
The truth is, I don't know what is going to happen over the next few months, and I'm a little (a lot) scared too. But please stay with me - I'm not going to abandon you. Even though we are having to do things we don't want to, we will be doing them for us. Even though we can't spend all of our time in someone else's arms, we have each other. I will hold you when you need to be held. You just need to say the word.
I love you.
P.S. I know you like these little fellows...
Edited by tealight rookie, 21 October 2005 - 04:30 AM.
Posted 21 October 2005 - 05:37 AM
Dear inner child, (a short letter to my inner child)
How are you doing?, i hope that your feeling a little happier. I have really tried to let you in and understand you but something is stopping this from happening.
You don't need to hide away anymore, i am ready to listen to you.... but don't go stroppy on me, don't ignore me, open up to me.
~~~~~ A letter from my inner child to me...
I know that you are trying to reach me, but part of me believes that you really don't want to reach me. that really you are scared of things.
I do blame you sometimes, most of the time i blame grandad, mum, dad and nanna, but sometimes i blame you.
Once upon a time i was happy and carefree, the child that sat for hours in the garden threading long daisy chains to joyously deliver to grandad, my idol.
Times before the hurt were good, and happy ~ do you remember how we would play in the spare room at nanna's house?... do you remeber the 'fashion head' doll that you cut all the hair off, and how sad we felt about it (mum was so angry, but it was funny!).... sometimes those memories make me chuckle to myself... they were the care free times... and i really would like to treasure those times, but those memories are marred by other things...
sometimes i wonder whose fault it was, if only you hadn't been so trusting of grandad, if only you hadn't been so quiet, if only you'd have told.
somewhere along the line you left me and the fun stopped, and i was confused, i couldn't make sense of all the things that were going on, all the things in the adult world, all the secrecy and hurts... so i went into hiding and you forgot me.... how could you do that....
sometimes i think it must have been hard for you, but how could you forget me i thought we were sole mates, destined to stay together forevermore, but you left me all alone scared.. once you had gone no one could reach me.
now i am glad that you remember me and i am glad that you are listening to me, but please remember i am hurting too, and i am angry and sad and sometimes that is hard to let go off, sometimes anger and sadness feels the safest way to be.
~ i am scared and you are scared, i don't want to hide anymore
(from ~ your inner child) x
~ thanks for letting me share that everyone....maybe me and my inner child aren't destined to be happy again
Edited by Dawn, 21 October 2005 - 05:40 AM.
Posted 22 October 2005 - 10:42 PM
Dear inner child.
I thought for a minute of what to say to you but questions just filled my head like, who are you? What happened? How are you feeling? I want to be able to feel you but all i seem to get is stress warnings. Sometimes it feels like your in so much pain your trying to break free, escape me but then other times its like i can feel you curled up, hugging yourself, getting as small as possible with no strength to fight the pain that seems to be attacking you. Im sorry, i didnt mean for this to happen, i didnt mean to let you go. I lost you. I wish i could find you again, i wish we could have fun and act childlike despite my age, i wish we could be care-free and be as one again. I know i always seem to go against you but i cant tell what you want me to do so i just listen to my head. I just want to feel again, i want you to feel again. I've mentioned pain but there is also numbness. Sometimes i feel so numb its like your dead. Please dont die, i need you. Right now it feels like your crying as you can already hear what im writing. I know i sound mad but i know your still in there, i just cant find you. These feelings i get prove you are the only person/thing that hasnt been able to escape me. Please dont hide. Im hurting too i want to help. Im sorry for the past and i know you are too but being seperate cant help. I know you blame me for the way i am and i understand why. I know you want to punish me but please dont, i cant take any more. Im sorry i wouldnt listen to you when you kept telling me it happened, my abuse wasnt a dream i just couldnt trust you, i couldnt trust myself. Please let me in.
Lots of love please take care x
Ok well this is what i "sense" my inner child is saying back.
Dear Daydreamer. (sorry dont feel like putting my real name tonight)
Daydreamer im panicking. Im sorry my feelings are so real they effect you too. Im sorry for hating and wanting to punish you i just cant help it. Im angry. I try to blame everyone else - i really do but you get yourself into such stupid situations. You get too close to people trying to get help you chase them away and we both hurt more. Im safe hiding. I cant move from where i am. It times i want to...but for now i just want to be small and try to sleep...atleast it isnt reality then. Im glad you know now that the abuse was real. Yes it hurts to know he did it but you drove yourself insane questioning yourself...and me...all i could do was watch on as you ripping youself apart hunting for the truth. I wish i could show you all you need to remember but its too painful, i dont want to go back there again. Yet now i question you. After all we have been through, after finding a way to ask him if he did it you wonder if you should forgive him? No! I dont want you to forgive it hurts! It feels wrong! I dont like to hate but it puts me in so much pain when you think like that. I want the pain to go away. Do you think it ever will? I cant remember i time we were truely happy. You've never been happy with what you get....you always wanted more. You have made us do such terrible things that i dont even want to say any more. I know you just want to be loved but not everyone can love you and if we carry on like this love will never exist. I know i drive everyone away but im scared, i panic, i begin to feel more uncomfortable and ashamed. Im sorry. Why have you heard of some good times, yet cant remember? Why do we dwell on the bad? I want it to go away, why wont it leave me? I dont want to escape you but your hurting me, destroying me. Remember the time you started shouting at everyone for rolling grandad up in a carpet? No thats just what people have said...what the photos show. We used to adore him...always stay with him when we could so what happened? Why cant you be like that now? He hasnt hurt us, i hope he never does. What about christmas times? When you were younger they had so much fun, excitement in them, where has that gone? Nothing seems fun or exciting any more. I know im holding onto the past but it just wont go...im scared of letting you let go...you did it before and it didnt help it just drove you mad with questions and doubt i dont want to face that again. I guess we "belong" in the family we got. The family with alcaholics, crazy violent people, perverts ect...but i dont want to...cant we escape that? Your parents are trying, thats why we dont see them any more...well eccept one. I know our parents are good people deep down and i know i can hate them at times which makes us feel guilty but no one is perfect and sometimes they hurt me too with out realising how much. I brouse easily - you know that. Pain hurts more for me than it should i guess we usually call it "weakness". I dont know what to do. Im trapped and im sorry for everything.
take care, Love from your inner child x
Ok well thats all i could seem to work out really (i sound crazy). I think this has helped a bit which is good. This was a gret idea. Sorry for stealing you letter idea dawn but i thought it was really clever and ideal. Dawn i think you and your inner child should be happy and i think my inner child agrees too! You are a wonderful person who i hope finds happiness and finds her inner child which hopefully one day will come out of hiding.
Posted 23 October 2005 - 08:21 AM
I am glad writing a letter like that helped you a little. I too felt crazy writing a letter back to myself from my inner child, but i think it helps us to connect on a different level.
it sounds like you and your inner child do want to get to know one another it will just take time ~ i guess that's similar to me and my inner child too... it almost seems ironic and mad to be wanting to get to know something that you can't visually see, but i believe their is a lot of value in inner child work, particularily when the inner child is hurting and wants to be heard.
I really like coming back to this thread and seeing what people have to say to their inner child and in some cases to see what the inner child wants to say back.
right now me and my inner child are having a stubborn time with neither of us really acknowledging the other.... but hopefully that will pass.
Posted 26 October 2005 - 03:02 PM
Dear inner child.
How are you feeling today?, i actually think that i can feel how your feeling, maybe that means that i am learning to listen to you.
Today i had a lovely cuddle with Emily, and whilst with her it reminded me of how small, vulnerable and innocent i once once, and it made me think about how you might be feeling.
Being with Emily made me realise that we all need cuddles when were tired, sad, poorly, lonely or simply just having an 'off' day. I also now realise that i haven't been giving you that time, the time that you need to feel comforted or to just simply 'be', instead i pushed you away or even worse tried to make you come to me, i now realise you will do it in your own time ~forgive me for being pushy and bossy, forgive me for neglecting you.
Whilst with Emily today i allowed myself to really think about you. I enjoyed the cuddle with Emily, and whilst i was outwardly cuddiling Emily, inwardly i was cuddiling you.... and in me i felt a contented feeling, was that you? ~ was it you telling me that it was okay to cuddle and okay to feel? I wander
Take care Inner child, and remember i do care.
I really can't think what my inner child would have to say to that post, but something in me tells me she is feeling okay right now
Posted 26 October 2005 - 03:38 PM
i don't think i like this very much. this talking thing. i feel like a bad bad girl and i feel sick and yucky. my mummy hurt us. she hurt us bad and it was my fault because mummies dont hurt good girls i dont think. i dont think mummies hurt girls who do what they are told. i dont like 'teazle' because she lets men do the things and then she let mummy do them things. ive been tryin to clean and clean and clean but it just dont get all the dirt off. she left lots of dirt on me and i dont think 'teazle' sees that dirt or cares.
i wanna curl and hide. curl in a dark place and hide away good. hide where no one can find us and it dont hurt no more. i like dark places because people cant find me in dark places. i suck my thumb when i am sad but 'teazle' dont let us suck our thumb. shes ashamed of us. she dont want there to be someone like me cos that means she cant be strong i dont think. i dont like being something that makes her sad but i dont like that she never lets me talk inside.
she pretends to be strong but i know its not true. im not strong. im hurting inside and she never listens to me she just pretends and pretends and pretends.
i dont like 'teazle'. shes big and grown up and shes suposed to fix all everything and she dont. she dont stop people hurting us and she dont do anything. i just want someone to love me and i keep looking for someone to love me and make me feel nice like a mummy. i think i want a nice mummy but i dont think she does and i dont like her for it. i think shes selfish and stupid and i dont like her. i dont like how she ignores me and how she pretends everythings ok and how she lets people hurt her and how she does silly things like drinking yucky stuff and making herself bleed. i dont think i like her and all the things she does makes me scared and i get scared when there is men in the room but she doesnt care. she says mean things to them and i just want her to be nice to them because if she is nice to them maybe they wouldnt hurt.
i want our daddy back because he was nice but i want my nice mummy as well. 'teazle' dont want anything i dont think. i wanna play but she doesnt. she gets all embarrassed and i think she is ashamed of me and of all the things i want to do. its all scary. everything in this world is all scary. there are people all everywhere that are scary. i dont like people. i dont like people. i want to run and hide and never come out again and hide in the dark.
i dont like 'teazle' and i get scared. i get so scared. i get so scared. i dont like being scared.
i dont liek it when mummy hurts us and the men hurts us but i like it when mummy isnt hurting. sometimes she buys things and sometimes she cooks things but then she goes and drinks and she is all nasty again. and she says things i dont like and they hurt.
i get sad and i get scared. i get so scared. i want someone to love me and make that im not scared any more and i am lonely. im so lonely. its all lonely and we dont have any friends and i dont like people. people are scary. all people are scary.
i want it stop hurting and i want to be loved and help. i want to be held like nice mummies do. are there nice people anywhere? i dont think there are. all people shouldnt be trusted. my mummy hurt me and shes hurt me so bad and it hurts. hurts and is scary and is lonely.
hurts. scary. lonely. and i want to curl up and hide and be in the dark and no one see me. but i want to be loved. i want to stop being scared. i dont like being scared. i dont like being lonely but its safe in the dark. i want to suck my thumb. i want someone to hold me. i want someone to love me but no one loves us.
the world is a scary place and i hate 'teazle'. i hate her for ignoring me and i hate her for pretending to be strong when i am breaking inside and she doesnt care. and i hate her for being a bad girl and making mummy hurt us. its not fair. when mummy hurt her she hurt me as well. i dont like me for being a bad girl either because i try to be a good girl but i dont do a good girl so get shouted at.
mummies are supposed to be nice. my mummy isnt. i want a nice mummy."
wow. i dont know how to process this. i...............i don't think i can deal with everything that this.....child.......has said. can anyone else help with this? help do what i can't and speak to her? because i can't. i can't let those feelings in right now. i just can't.
Edited by teazle, 26 October 2005 - 03:39 PM.
Posted 27 October 2005 - 02:37 AM
I have read your letter from your inner child, and have some feedback on it, right now im about to head out the door for a job interview... but i will reply properly to your post later on ~ just wanted to reply now so you know it has been read...
Take care sweetie