Finding Beauty In Life Again

[KaitOh]

Hello everyone, my name is Kait. I reached out to this forum because I am struggling right now more than ever with the balance of now, tomorrow and the past. Rather than tell my story word for word, I've posted a short snippet that I recently wrote to one of my attackers.

In life, there exists beauty and pleasure, inner peace and acceptance, love and compassion. Life has a tendency to take unexpected twists and turns or drops that can cause these wonderful experiences to become buried. For two years I have been digging, desperately trying to uncover the beauty of my life and the wonder of my world.

A little over two years ago I was attacked and raped by a group of men, all but one were strangers to my existence. The one entity that I did know was a friend; someone I shared stories with, observed with and laughed with. This entity is a plague in my mind, a kind of darkness that temporarily erases the goodness in my heart and disables the desire of my own free will. I struggled against this darkness but, today I always win, or strive to. I had been pinned down by the silence of terror, guilt and confusion for far too long. I had to dig faster, deeper.

Most every night I return to that unfortunate experience. My body trembles uncontrollably, my mind replays the blows, my eyes shut. Though it is over, I still lose control of my own body and will. I want to breathe easy and smile. I want to be loved. That is all. My nightmares send me spiraling down into darkness and drive those I love away from me. I can’t reach them. I can’t hear them. The pressures of my nightmares push the life out of me and I can sense that these pressures draw blood from others.

Though my main attacker is now dead I still feel his presence when I am alone, sometimes when I am surrounded by people. I saw his cold, dead face when the police brought me to indentify the entity. They told me I had justice, he was dead. When I saw his face, I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell him what he had done to me. I wanted him to cry back and say “I was wrong” I wanted him to confess his true monster. Looking into his dead face I saw not a single emotion; all of his pieces of sadness, rage, confusion, loneliness had been pushed into me. Again the cop said, “You have justice, he is gone now.” But Sir, I suffer now more than ever. Can’t you help me? Can someone help me?

Today when I look into my Mother’s face I am home. I look into my brother’s face and I am joyful. I look into my lover’s face and I am starry eyed. I look into a friend’s face and I am warmed. I look into a mirror and I am heartbroken. It takes overwhelming strength to restrain myself from raising my fist and destroying the image reflected before me. I see a girl with bruises and tears showing through a layer of blood. That is not me and please, I want to go home.

What hurts the most is the lack of control I have over flashbacks. It happened once and that was enough. How is it that I am unable to run away from them? Every night I try to run but I stumble and fall, just like I did that night. Why can’t I change it? They are gone now, I am here but I cannot change it and it hurts, hurts so much. If it were not for these physical experiences of suffering, I would be okay. I have a life to tend to, goals to achieve and a world to love. Yet, these pains pull at me and eat away at me. I am trying to set myself free through the beauty in my life.

[whimsical1]

welcome to after-silence.

[KaitOh]

Thank you =)

[blossums]

Hello there

I wish you well in your quest to

set myself free through the beauty in my life

Beautiful sentiment

Welcome to AS

[Guest LovesLoss]

welcome to AS

Im sorry you need us, but glad you found us. I hope you find the healing and support you deserve here.

Take care

Loves

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Thank you for sharing.

Found

AKA Anna

[Becky]

I'm so glad you found us!

I'm sorry you're struggling and for what you've been through. It is very hard to get through something so traumatic but you will find support and understanding here and many who have overcome some of the things you are dealing with. There is definitely hope.

Welcome!!

[RiseAndShine]

dear kait

welcome to AS!

your writing is so powerful. i know how it is to hate the person in the mirror, wanting to punch her.

i am glad you have good people in your life. and that you can see beauty again.

i try to look for beauty every day. it is what gets me through, too.

safe if ok

riana

[KaitOh]

Encouraging words, they make me smile

Thank you all! In a few hours I'm going to see a new therapist for the first time. I have those butterflies like it's the first day of school or something.

[HoneyLaura]

Welcome and i hope you make lots of great friends and get all the support u need

[sisterinsurvival]

Hi Kait,

My name is Lynn, and I am a member of the New Member Support Team. I just wanted to take the time to say welcome to After Silence.

I hope that you find comfort and support here as you become part of our community. I am glad that you have joined with us and look forward to getting to know you. If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will gladly help in any way possible...also if you need someone to listen, let me know.

Take care,

Your Sister in Survival,

Lynn

[KaitOh]

Lynn, thank you =)

I feel really warmed by everyone here

[angeldrummer]

Hi Kait, glad you found your way here to AS :)

[~FOUND~]

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found