I Really Need Someone :needahug:

[Moreta]

Hi Everyone,

This is one of those tricky things for me. I've always managed to repress this until very recently when I made the decision that the periodic nightmares and the seemingly irrational aversion to being in public places became too ridiculous. I've always been exceptionally hard on myself - especially when it comes to my emotional side. The only way I have found I can do this is to intellectualise.

So here goes:

I was sexually abused for 6 years by the brother of my best friend (from the ages of 12-18). Why did I continue to go there? Because it was better than being at home.

I was raped at the age of 17 by a random.

I've managed to deal with the rape before now. It seemed easier - although whether I have truly processed it I don't know. The first time I cried about the abuse was 2 weeks ago. I'm now almost 28.

I'm hoping that this isn't too much detail and doesn't upset anyone else.

I've never considered myself a 'survivor' - well it's hard too if you don't acknowledge that something has happened right? In fact I even had huge hesitations when having to select who I was for this website, but decided that 'survivor' was probably the right option. A large part of me doesn't feel I have a right to call myself this. So many of you will have been through much worse. You have the right to call yourselves that. Not me.

I guess what I am hoping to find here are people that I can talk to about this, people that will let me talk through things. Without impatience or misunderstanding. I have a husband who is usually good - but he has his own issues with this particular family and so I find he is not the right person here, and my friends - well I can't take them to the shadowlands. I'm hoping some of you understand that. I have issues with letting myself be loved and accepted. Hopefully this will help.

If there is someone here that is willing to share with me and help me out then I'd really love to know. I feel like I am getting desperate at times (not a danger to myself though!).

Thanks,

Moreta

[thesoftmachine]

This is my first day here too Moreta. Although my situations for coming here are different, I too felt the same thoughts as you on many points of what you said. I didn't want to put survivor because I don't see myself as one. I can't imagine what people here have gone through and feel as though what I have to say is only going to pale in comparison. But I think that's something we all feel, as though we're to blame or somehow responsible for the wrongs done to us. As if unless something kills us, it's not as bad as it could be. That is my opinion because after every incident that has happened to me or anything anyone has ever done, I always blame myself and think how lucky I am to still be alive and breathing and able to see another day.

It makes me realize that no matter how different our situations are in this world, as people, we have the same feelings inside. We have the same thoughts, the same questions, and the same struggle. Although we're all unique, we all share in the human emotions that we seem to feel like no one else could possibly understand. So I wanted to say I am here, and although I wasn't sexually abused in the same way, I have had many experiences in my life where I can relate ... and I am listening ... I am new here too and feel all the emotions involved with that too. Hopefully you have more to say and get some some sort of catharsis or healing out of this. As I am looking for ... answers, support, understanding, advice, friendship, care, everything I hope to find in those who aren't going to judge and demean. Nice to meet you and glad to hear you. It brings comfort to my own thoughts, not that you are suffering, but that through coming together from everywhere, maybe we all heal.

[Freefrog]

Hi Moreta,

first of all, welcome to AS. It's a huge step you've taken by joining us......

I'm rather sure that we can help you.

Regarding your post

Why did I continue to go there? Because it was better than being at home

I know this..... I did it, too. U are not alone in it.....

and, another thing:

I've never considered myself a 'survivor' - well it's hard too if you don't acknowledge that something has happened right? In fact I even had huge hesitations when having to select who I was for this website, but decided that 'survivor' was probably the right option. A large part of me doesn't feel I have a right to call myself this. So many of you will have been through much worse. You have the right to call yourselves that. Not me.

Again, I went through it aswell. It is still hard for me to believe it - but we ARE survivors, and we can be proud of it.

I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. Feel free to send me a PM or to add me on MSN, if you feel the need to share something.

if ok.

Free

[traceyelizabeth]

Hi

Welcome to AS this is a great place and we welcome you with open arms.

I too went back time and time again and was RAPED and SEXUALLY ABUSE FROM 8 TO 16 years old. One of my biggest issues is WHY . WHY did i go back? this haunts me EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. i still dont know the answer. I have been told on AS that i was a child . I was at 8 years old BUT what about at 16 years old was i still a child then ? i have also been told i was conditioned to this . I really think we at AS will always blame ourselves to some degree although NONE of US are to blame. WE WERE RAPED / SEXUALLY ABUSED . WE DID NOT DO THIS .WE HAD IT DONE TO US.

Take gental care.

Love Tracey

[dopey]

Welcome to AS

I hope you find this place helpful

take care xxx

[fightergirl]

Hi Moreta

Welcome to AS

My name is Cathy, I am part of the newbie support team here at Aftersilence. I will be happy to help you settle in, if you have any problems or questions you send me or any member of the team a personal message.

Can I first say you do have the right to call yourself a survivor! You have survived 6yrs of sexual abuse and a rape on top of that, and that to me in not a small thing. But it is up to you wether you feel like a survivor or not.. maybe in time you will be able

I am sorry for what these 2 boys/men did to you, you did not deserve that. I too denied the SA and rape for 4yrs, it is compleatly normal. You are not alone hun and if you need to talk you can pm me

Look forward to seeing you around the board

Cathy

[JenKitty]

I've always been exceptionally hard on myself - especially when it comes to my emotional side.

^I have ALWAYS been way too hard on myself! And emotions...forget it, I don't understand the emotions I feel. If I don't understand where or why I am feeling that way, I am so hard on myself and fight them so hard. I understand I cry when there is a death of a loved one. However I don't understand when I cry after sex when it was really good. Understanding physical pain is much easier for me. So while I was going through the abuse (my brother absed me form age 8 to 15) if I felt I was having an emotional overload, I would cut...because I understood that pain better!

Cut + blood = pain I can understand! I am SO glad to be WAY past that now and I don't recommend it to anyone, it's just how as a child/adolescent/teenager I dealt with it, without telling & ruining my family.

I was sexually abused for 6 years by the brother of my best friend (from the ages of 12-18). Why did I continue to go there? Because it was better than being at home.

^I know the feeling of "WHY?" Only for me it was not me going back to a house it happened at, it was my own house! But I felt that if I didn't, my younger sister would have to go through it, and that was something I would never have happen to her! During the abuse I was mostly questioning the "Why me?" however it wasn't until the abuse ended that I went through the "Why didn't I do more to stop him?" and the "Why did I not try more as I got older?" then there was the occasional "Did I maybe like it and that's why?" (that one was never true, just me trying to justify the whole thing)

I've never considered myself a 'survivor' - well it's hard too if you don't acknowledge that something has happened right? In fact I even had huge hesitations when having to select who I was for this website, but decided that 'survivor' was probably the right option. A large part of me doesn't feel I have a right to call myself this. So many of you will have been through much worse. You have the right to call yourselves that. Not me.

^But you are a survivor! You went through rape & abuse, and you are here for support. The fact that you are here tells us that you survived! You just don't feel like a survivor yet, and that is understandable. Normal even! You WILL get there! You do have the right to call yourself that and you will be able to in time! You don't need to compare yourself and your experiences to any one elses...they are unique to you, as ours are unique to us. It's no bigger or small than what we went through....it's just what you went through. So you do have a right to be called a survivor and you are a survivor! Don't worry it took me years and years to get to the point where I truly felt I was a survivor!

I guess what I am hoping to find here are people that I can talk to about this, people that will let me talk through things. Without impatience or misunderstanding.

^You have come to the right place my friend! There is no better place to be for patience, understanding, respect, and support! So a very warm Welcome to you!

If there is someone here that is willing to share with me and help me out then I'd really love to know. I feel like I am getting desperate at times (not a danger to myself though!).

^*insert little kid voice saying "oh oh...pick me, pick me!" here* No really, if there is anything you need to talk about or need help with, please let me know! (this goes for everyone else too!) I am at a point in my healing path where I have the strong urge and need to help others! I no longer need to work on myself as much anymore, I am proud to be a Survivor (just got a Survivor tattoo July 3rd) and it's time for me to help others. I REALLY want to start a support group in my area. I just need to help others, because there is no better feeling than to finally be able to say (and truly mean it) that "I am a SURVIVOR!" There is no better feeling than to truly love yourself again, or to find the enjoyment in sex/love again or for the first time in your life!

[whimsical1]

Hi Moreta. Welcome to AS.

[emt]

Welcome to AS! I am glad that you are reaching out and hope you find the kind of support that you need here.

emt

[meeliya]

Welcome in this place

TAKE CARE OF YOU RE SELF

[MidnightSunshine531]

welcome to AS