Unchartered Territory

[Nursebleu]

Hello. I'm not really sure how to start this. I'm new here and unfortunately I'm still struggling to believe that I should be here. I'm 36, 37 in 12 days and I feel like I'm strapped into a ride that I didn't see coming.

All of my life I've known something has happened to me. But I don't have any solid memories that I can look to as "proof" to myself, so part of me still sees myself as some kind of liar. But my body says otherwise. As long as I can remember, I've had a very visceral and negative reaction to sex. I avoided it up until the age of 33. There was always something floating around my head about events in my life that would've taken me up to that age before I decided to go that route. I have always avoided touch and touching. I've physically kept to myself and always been afraid to reach out physically to others. I always just attributed this to the physical abuse I endured and to being raised with a Narcissistic parent. I always believed that I was better off alone and that it was safer to be alone. No one was ever to be trusted.

I recently started school for my masters in Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. I didn't realize the depth of intimacy that this kind of training brings you to. I am a registered nurse and anyone else who is a nurse will tell you that there was no intimacy in our training. It was all intellectual and at a medical level. So touching people in that sense was never an issue. But this is different in so many ways.

Last week during point location class... point location class is where we learn where various points are located on the body. We were studying a meridian of points that starts somewhere extremely intimate on the body and works its way up. Well, my teacher was demonstrating these points (not all of them) on a teaching assistant. My teacher was very professional and gentle as she showed us how to find them and located each point. The teaching assistant wasn't unnecessarily exposed and it was all very appropriate. As this progressed I literally began to lose it. The thought of someone touching me... of my having to touch someone else there.... just started screaming through my mind and I began to cry. I continued to cry for the next 3 hours... Mind you.. I have never cried. I lost my father to medical mishaps 10 years ago and I NEVER cried like this. I've lost 2 friends to suicide and I didn't cry like this. I just couldn't stop. My teaching assistant - there are 6 for the class - was wonderful. She was very understanding of my situation and I was excused from class. I literally cried up until the next class and couldn't compose myself for that one either. Again, never do I remember crying like this. No one told me to stop, everyone let me just cry and many offered their support even though they had no idea why I was crying. I've since come to find out that many of them thought I was just losing it with all the work we are required to do...lol!!! Which I'm sure is part of this as well.

Well, since then I've been a wreck. I've always had some kind of edge to my personality, an underlying streak of anger.... it's gone. I feel confused, I feel vulnerable, I feel like I'm out swaying in the wind all by myself. I'm not sure how I feel. I've never ventured into this part of my life and I seriously don't know what to do with myself. I do see a therapist regularly and we did discuss this - which opened the wounds further, but I'm at a loss. I feel like I've lost something. I feel like I've lost the life I've always known. Suddenly I'm in a place that I don't recognize and I seriously don't know what to do with myself. Any kind of conflict can easily bring me to tears. I cry so easily now it frightens me. I don't feel "tough" like I used to.

And of course to top this all off - I still feel like a liar. Is anything that I'm going through right now even remotely "normal" for this kind of thing? I don't know what to do with myself.

I appreciate having this board here to post on. I thank you for listening.

A

[determined 1]

Yes love , its very normal and I know your frustration well.

Welcome to AS we need you here. PM me anytime.

Blessings,"D"

[Saltywaters]

Welcome!!

Jo

[dodo]

Hi and welcome to AS.

best wishes

karen

[live4now]

Welcome to AS!

Glad you found us here

take care, and remember your not alone

Live

[teazle]

Hi and welcome to AS

I hope you find what you're looking for here

take care of yourself

teazle

[Firedancer4]

(((nursebleu)))

I am 36 and soooooo relate to everything you just said! I'm so sorry you're experiencing that right now. It's very normal though, as D said, and it can be downright scary. You articulated so well what it's like - I sat here nodding my head through every word. Hang in there, and keep talking. You've had some deep wounds open up, and when it first happened to me, it was exactly as you described. I'm so glad you're here, and hope you find the trust and support you need as you move through this. PM me anytime, too. Take care of you!

[angelic]

Hi, and welcome to AS.

[Wyndsong]

Remember, there is no shame in tears. Everyone cries sometimes, and it is a natural response to trauma. Even though the actual abuse may have happened years ago, the moment you "discover" it, a new wound is opened in your soul, and it is like you have just been violated. Don't let anyone discount your feelings.

[Nursebleu]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.... oh and Firedancer4 - I love your quote... "I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be". That is so appropriate for me right now...

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

[-Nicole-]

Welcome to After Silence

I can relate to your whole world as you know it being ripped away and it is like you are supposed to go through the motions of this life of yours that seems barely recognizable. It is a scary place to be, but there are many of us who can relate to what you are feeling.

Nicole