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Where Has My Smile Gone?

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Well, I'm new here, obviously. My name is Nicole, and I'm 20. Everything just generally hurts right now, and I hate feeling like he's still overpowering me. I thought he was my friend. But I guess I shouldn't have gotten so drunk.

The most ironic part is that the same thing happened to my mother when she was 16, and she still can't understand what's wrong with me.

Is it normal to be dizzy and feel out-of-focus?

I'm sorry. I'm usually good with my words, but now...everything's just so bloody f\/<k3d up. :(

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Welcome to AS ... What you have written about is common for many so I hope that knowing you are not alone will at least give you a place to start .. :hug::aswelcomesu:

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Welcome, you are needed here!

"But I guess I shouldn't have gotten so drunk."

This is not your fault! Getting drunk is not an invitation to rape someone!

Blessings to you!

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Welcome, you are needed here!

"But I guess I shouldn't have gotten so drunk."

This is not your fault! Getting drunk is not an invitation to rape someone!

Blessings to you!

Thank you. :) I know it's not an invitation, but it wasn't the smartest thing I could've done. I just hope I stop actively blaming myself for it someday.

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Hi seeking and welcome to AS

I hope you can find what you're looking for here

take care of yourself

teazle

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:flowers:

Hi and welcome to AS

best wishes

karen

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Hi Nicole, I am new here too.

If it helps any, I am a parent - I don't even LIKE to think of even the POSSIBILITY of something like this happening to any of my children, no matter how unrealistic it may seem to say to myself that it won't. Perhaps your mother is the same way - she does not understand because she recognizes some of the signs in you and it makes things hard for her to cope with and so she "shuts down." It may not be the case, but it's a thought. Have you tried talking to her about some things? Maybe once the ice is broken, your mother can help you through some of it?

Anyway, welcome and enjoy your stay here, everyone here has been so nice to me and I hope you gain the support you seek.

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:flowers: Hi Nicole, I'm Paula...you are very welcome here. :hug:

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Hi Nicole, I am new here too.

If it helps any, I am a parent - I don't even LIKE to think of even the POSSIBILITY of something like this happening to any of my children, no matter how unrealistic it may seem to say to myself that it won't. Perhaps your mother is the same way - she does not understand because she recognizes some of the signs in you and it makes things hard for her to cope with and so she "shuts down." It may not be the case, but it's a thought. Have you tried talking to her about some things? Maybe once the ice is broken, your mother can help you through some of it?

Anyway, welcome and enjoy your stay here, everyone here has been so nice to me and I hope you gain the support you seek.

Just this morning, I told her the reason I haven't been sleeping at night. (The dark just freaks me out these days.) Her response was "Get unafraid, Nicole. You need to find a job." Sometimes I just wonder if she ever thinks before she speaks to me. Also, she keeps telling me to "lose the attitude". As if it's something I can really help it right now. -.-" Sorry if I sound whiny...she just gets under my skin sometimes. I could pour all of THAT out now, but I really don't feel like pissing myself off right now.

I do understand where you're coming from, though, I really do. I'm just not sure if that's her reasoning.

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Just this morning, I told her the reason I haven't been sleeping at night. (The dark just freaks me out these days.) Her response was "Get unafraid, Nicole. You need to find a job." Sometimes I just wonder if she ever thinks before she speaks to me. Also, she keeps telling me to "lose the attitude". As if it's something I can really help it right now. -.-" Sorry if I sound whiny...she just gets under my skin sometimes. I could pour all of THAT out now, but I really don't feel like pissing myself off right now.

I do understand where you're coming from, though, I really do. I'm just not sure if that's her reasoning.

Nicole,

It was just a suggestion. :) I have been wrong before and will be wrong many times to come. I am sorry your mother is not very sensitive to what happened. I do understand to some extent though - for me, it happened ten (almost 11) years ago and I still feel very angry and very bitter about it. It's easier for me to "whatever" it and move onto more present things that I need to think about. I sometimes forget that anger is a big part of healing and I feel badly about it eventually. However, I am learning. My daughter once asked me "what happened?" My response was snapping, "I don't want to discuss it. Okay?"

She dropped it and never asked again. That was a year and change ago. If she was to ask again, I will probably be much more receptive to it, and to her - and I've vowed to at least TRY to speak of things with her. She is an adolescent and she's going to hear about a lot of ugly things as she matures, and I would rather she ask me or her father any questions she may have about certain things.

Attitude is something that can't be helped by anyone other than yourself - and usually it's something that you need to "modify" at your own pace. I still occasionally have a bad attitude. I am described as being grumpy sometimes, even a b*tch. Other times, I'm "sweet." :dunno:

Another thought - (and please feel free to tell me to piss off, I would not take offense!) - perhaps you and your mother can go to counseling together. When you have two sides where communication isn't very effective, sometimes having a mediator in between may help - he/she can post the questions and give you both something to think about. It is common for a mother to forget to be a friend, and a lot can probably still be salvaged by way of your relationship if perhaps you two were to consider something like this.

I am here if you wish to talk anytime, whether here or in private messages - I promise to keep my attitude in check. :)

-C

Edited by Capulet

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Just this morning, I told her the reason I haven't been sleeping at night. (The dark just freaks me out these days.) Her response was "Get unafraid, Nicole. You need to find a job." Sometimes I just wonder if she ever thinks before she speaks to me. Also, she keeps telling me to "lose the attitude". As if it's something I can really help it right now. -.-" Sorry if I sound whiny...she just gets under my skin sometimes. I could pour all of THAT out now, but I really don't feel like pissing myself off right now.

I do understand where you're coming from, though, I really do. I'm just not sure if that's her reasoning.

Nicole,

It was just a suggestion. :) I have been wrong before and will be wrong many times to come. I am sorry your mother is not very sensitive to what happened. I do understand to some extent though - for me, it happened ten (almost 11) years ago and I still feel very angry and very bitter about it. It's easier for me to "whatever" it and move onto more present things that I need to think about. I sometimes forget that anger is a big part of healing and I feel badly about it eventually. However, I am learning. My daughter once asked me "what happened?" My response was snapping, "I don't want to discuss it. Okay?"

She dropped it and never asked again. That was a year and change ago. If she was to ask again, I will probably be much more receptive to it, and to her - and I've vowed to at least TRY to speak of things with her. She is an adolescent and she's going to hear about a lot of ugly things as she matures, and I would rather she ask me or her father any questions she may have about certain things.

Attitude is something that can't be helped by anyone other than yourself - and usually it's something that you need to "modify" at your own pace. I still occasionally have a bad attitude. I am described as being grumpy sometimes, even a b*tch. Other times, I'm "sweet." :dunno:

Another thought - (and please feel free to tell me to piss off, I would not take offense!) - perhaps you and your mother can go to counseling together. When you have two sides where communication isn't very effective, sometimes having a mediator in between may help - he/she can post the questions and give you both something to think about. It is common for a mother to forget to be a friend, and a lot can probably still be salvaged by way of your relationship if perhaps you two were to consider something like this.

I am here if you wish to talk anytime, whether here or in private messages - I promise to keep my attitude in check. :)

-S.

I seriously wish that woman were open to counseling. I'm fully open to it, and suggested it to her many times over the years, but she always had the same response. "Councilors don't work. I've tried that before." And yet, she had me in counseling for several years. (Logic is what?) I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm attacking you. I don't mean it like that. It's just that rather than speak to me as if I have valid thoughts and feelings, my mother assumes that I'm spoiled, selfish, lazy, and irresponsible. It just feels like when it comes to me, her sympathy is gone. Yet, it's boundless for my older siblings. I mean is it because she didn't give birth to me? Or am I just a screw up in general?

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...Are you me? Seriously, did I have an out of body experience and go into your body???

I'm 20 as well. My mother was raped at the same age as me, and despite the fact, she can't understand what's wrong with me either!

I can't focus. I'm dizzy as a blue kaola.

:friends2:

Welcome!!!!!

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I seriously wish that woman were open to counseling. I'm fully open to it, and suggested it to her many times over the years, but she always had the same response. "Councilors don't work. I've tried that before." And yet, she had me in counseling for several years. (Logic is what?) I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm attacking you. I don't mean it like that. It's just that rather than speak to me as if I have valid thoughts and feelings, my mother assumes that I'm spoiled, selfish, lazy, and irresponsible. It just feels like when it comes to me, her sympathy is gone. Yet, it's boundless for my older siblings. I mean is it because she didn't give birth to me? Or am I just a screw up in general?

I highly doubt that it has anything to do with whether or not she birthed you herself. My mum is my birth mother, survivor of rape herself, and is still quite insensitive. At times I may run to her, like when I'm crying and totally going to lose it, and for a few brief minutes she'll console me the way a sensitive person would. Then the tables turn, and whilst keeping her cool, she turns it on her. "Why is it my fault? What have I done to make you so angry at me and your dad?" The whole attitude thing, get over it - I'm going through that with my mum, too, darling. It's insane how insensitive people are.

What's funniest to me is my wonderful boyfriend. Truly he is wonderful. He's studying to become a federal law officer in the Air Force, and has studied rape and all that. He knows a lot abotu the emotions and such - but even though he gets mad at my mum for acting the way she does about it - he, in turn, will be quite insensitive to my emotions.

It's funny how hypocritical people can be.

*sigh*

Sorry, I just thought perhaps sharing that with you might console you. Let you know you're not alone one bit in this!!

:notalone:

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Welcome to After Silence, Nicole :flowers: What a lovely name :wink:

I can relate to your feelings about being drunk, it is something I have had so much trouble dealing with on a personal level. I have similar issues with my mother too and it has been hard, but I have come a long way in establishing my boundaries with her.

I hope you find the support you need here, there are many wonderful people here and we can relate to what you are feeling.

Nicole :throb:

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I seriously wish that woman were open to counseling. I'm fully open to it, and suggested it to her many times over the years, but she always had the same response. "Councilors don't work. I've tried that before." And yet, she had me in counseling for several years. (Logic is what?) I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm attacking you. I don't mean it like that. It's just that rather than speak to me as if I have valid thoughts and feelings, my mother assumes that I'm spoiled, selfish, lazy, and irresponsible. It just feels like when it comes to me, her sympathy is gone. Yet, it's boundless for my older siblings. I mean is it because she didn't give birth to me? Or am I just a screw up in general?

Please don't feel that you're attacking me. :) Part of the reason I am here is because there are SO MANY different thoughts and opinions on how to deal with one specific topic/situation. I welcome other thoughts and ideas on it when it comes to my own situation and hey, we don't know each other too well yet, so there's no way for me to tell what works for you and what does not. I just hope to help, even if it's in a small, SMALL way.

My mother was never sexually abused or assaulted, so I cannot relate to her in that respect. I don't even feel that I can tell her what happened to me, but a small part of me thinks she knows something about my childhood that she is not telling me. And so, I clammed up - she knows nothing about the things I DO remember, and I plan on keeping it that way. It's better that way, in my opinion, and much easier.

Nicole, I am available to you anytime. Just drop a note if you want to talk. :)

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Welcome. It's not your fault you got drunk. Please don't blame yourself. I know it is hard advice to take at first. I am glad you are here and think this place will be helpful for you. The trauma you are feeling right now can make everthing in your life seem comepletely chaotic. I hope that this place helps you as much as it has helped me - to know that there are more people with feelings and situations similar to my own, than I could ever imagine. Not that that's a good thing - only that I know that there are people who I can talk to and who will understand me, and you CAN be assured of that too. Welcome :flowers:

Marita

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