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Step I/Question II: Who and How have you attempted to protect others?

Freyja Lee

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This was pretty much answered in my response to Question I:  Have you kept your sexual abuse a secret?.  I protected all my perpetrators.  My dad, my brother, my uncle, my cousin, my dad's girlfriend's two brothers and the adult/child relationship I had.

I didn't tell anyone of the abuse while it was happening.  And as I previously journaled, I even kept the secret from the perpetrators themselves.  By pretending to be asleep and therefore, 'not knowing of the abuse'.  If I acknowledged the abuse, then I would have been the 'bad' person.  

Who and how can you tell when there is no one to tell?  I couldn't tell my dad, who was sexually  abusing me, or my brother, who was sexually abusing me.  I couldn't tell my mom, who abandoned me to my pedophile father. My dad made sure that I knew my mom didn't want me and that if he didn't 'chose' to be a single father, I'd be in foster care.  When sexual abuse runs in the family, there is no one to tell. 



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Thanks for sharing your story. It does help to have a connection with someone, and I do know how you have felt when pretending to be unaware of what was happening. I never thought of keeping the truth from an adult as secret. I thought of it as a lie. I became a great liar, and started to lie about everything. I told my classmates I had the beautiful room with pink carpet and a four poster bed. My abusers laughed when I said I would tell. Maybe that's why I started to lie about stupid stuff. Maybe I was checking to see if anyone would believe me. I'm not sure if writing this down helps me, as it is all more obvious, how I was using survival skills and building skills to save myself. Until recently, I had not made any connections with some of my bad behaviours and my abuse. Once the truth came out, I told myself I would never lie again. Not that is a problem, because I say too much. 

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