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Step I/Question I: Did you keep your abuse a secret? Part III

Freyja Lee

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When I think about the secrecy surrounding my abuse, there are two more instances that come to mind.

My dad was a single dad, raising my brother and I.  In the 70's/80's, it was less common for a father to be a single parent as it was for a mother.  My dad wore this as a badge of honor.  Always sure to share this fact with strangers and relish in their praises of what a wonderful thing he was doing.  I just remember standing by his side, as he would pull me in and share what a hard job it has been for him.  Then the person would look down at me, smile, and tell me how lucky I was to have him.  I would just feel so much rage and hate inside. All I could do was smile and thank them.  But all I could think was what a piece of shit father he was.  Alcoholic, drug addict, who put his abusive girlfriend before me and my brother. His rage, his physical, mental and sexual abuse. Yeah, he was a great father.

The other time was when I had two children and was in between places to live.  Unfortunately, I had to move in with my dad for a few months while getting back on my feet.  At the time, I was not getting along with my kids grandmother and aunt, who knew of my sexual abuse from my father.  When they would call, I would tell my dad to tell them I wasn't there.  There were a couple times this happened and apparently, they heard my kids in the background. They called children services who had a social worker come out to check on the kids. The kids and I weren't there the first time she came out.  She met with my dad and let him know of the allegations of sexual abuse when I was a child, which he obviously denied.  When I came home, he let me know about the social worker and that she would be back out to meet with me and the kids. He went on a rant of how he never abused me and how I better tell her this when she comes back out.  All the buried hate, rage, and disgust came flooding back.  Now I have to defend my dad against sexual abuse allegations, I had to protect him once more, I had to deny what he had done to me....because of my situation I did just that....



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