Q III. Do you blame the assaults on yourself? On your body?
Tricky question...nothing jumps out at me as definitive. I know when it started, I was too young to have been responsible for it. But there are times when I have felt that when I was older, maybe things would have been different and not carried out for so many years, had I reacted differently to my abuse/abusers. I was so submissive and groomed, that it made it easy for perpetrators.
There were times my body betrayed me and responded to the abuse....wth...what do you do with that??
I don't remember ever being told that I was having these things done to me because I was a good girl, or a bad girl, or a dirty girl. or because they loved me...I just remember feeling shame on a molecule level. I felt dirty, I felt like everyone knew-just by looking at me. I felt like 'the abuse' was what they saw when they looked at me — and this gave others permission to abuse me the way they did.
When I became a teenager, my dad started using his sexual abuse as a means of me getting things I asked for/needed. I had to let him touch me and do what he asks, for him to do something. I knew the abuse would happen one way or another, so most of the time I went along with what he said. In an attempt to control the abuse, I started to use this manipulation on the other people who abused me. At this point, the abuse, control, manipulation, survival was 'me'.