I have currently been searching for a way to let things out. I have stopped calling crisis lines. I do not know if its shame or if I feel I deserve the consequences of being alone or the pain I am in. I want to be ok. I want to be here for my family. They would be the ones left to suffer. Also I do not want them to give up so this will be the biggest thing I can show them in life just now. I am hopeful I can get through and or over this mania/what ever.

One day I hope to help reach people who have been hurt or is lost or looking for answers. I hope to have furthered my self to be a nurturer for others that is who I am. I love people I feel there pain more more than my own. I give all to any friend in need.

Having said that I am slapped in the face with reality. I was not there for my sis I listened but i could not stay in the moment i had to go in my head at times. I came back here and there to give encouragement. I tried i can not deal with the fact she was hurt. NOBODY especially the police helped. They covered up...........to long a story and its not mine to tell.

I do not trust police. Or anyone in uniform that carries' a gun or weapon of any kind. I have so Manny triggers. Some i lean as i go i can not control my mind when it brings flashes of unwanted memories i forgot them why can they not stay away. It's wrecking my life. I just want to get past the..... I could say certain words before but it's like i gone backwards. Does that mean i lost all my progress?

why am i so stuck?

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠ TRIGGERING

Please do not push yourself if you feel this is remotely going effect your emotional being please come bad another time.

TRIGGERING !‼

I know I was r*ped but it does not feel that way.😡

I was 11. He was my uncle U_U.

I felt confused from the moment he...

this is so hard why. I have talked about it before.

oh I think I get it . The younger me is trying to....

sorry this is a mess I no this does not make sense but for my sake and others who may be in my shoes I shall try. maybe I should wait the is a deeper walk into reality. What if mania hits. I am moving in the next couple days. It I time now wow um....this is awkward. I'm going to try to push it off a little longer. From my experience I go manic after such revelations. Sorry if the words I say do not make sense. I say it like I think it.

*I was 11. My uncle is mildly retarded. I do not hold him in hatred I still remain numb.

TRIGGERING IM GOING TO TELL THIS STORY DEALING WITH MY INNER CHILD PAIN.

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠

I spent most of my time t my grandmas helping her. My aunt was severely retarded. I miss her so much. She and I shard a strong friendship I made her laugh alot and her me. We would play games together. She would pretend she could not feed herself. But I never told other wise its her secret to keep. I would do chores to help out I did not mind. I was very comfortable there more than my home. My parent's fought way to often cops would show up. I would half to get help.

*one night I stayed the night and I always treated my uncle and aunt like anyone else. Respect and anyway I went to say goodnight to my uncle D he was laying down. He said come here. I have always did what I was told:( he took off my pants and panties. He picked me up put me straddling him. The moment he undressed me. I started spacing. His big hands hurt my waist. He shifted me and put his hand under me he wiggled himself against me. He grabbed my waist squeezing my hips together shoving me back and forth on him. I went inside my head but I could feel the movements but I felt no pain just pressure. After he stopped. He slid me off. He said that did not feel right we will not do it again. He meant it. He never touched me again. I sit there for a long time in his bathroom. Disoriented staring off in space not seeing anything its like the numbing was so loud I could hear it. I o not know how long I was sitting there I came back to the present and I could feel soreness and messy I began to clean my self off. He was snoring. I sat there for a while more then walked oddly out of his room. I never remembered this till two years and 6months ago. 6months ago I acknowledged I am the girl in my stories. I had a personality change. I wound up wrecking some important things to me permanently /repeat. Now I am on my last try. Turns out I repressed it. I done this so effectively Manny times. Someone told me its a coping mechanism of so it allowed room or more opportunity's for future repeats.