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Tonight my anxiety is through the roof...

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thether82

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Tonight I am restless, finding it difficult to breathe, want to hide under the covers...my anxiety is in full throttle. I hate this. This is an anniversary time for me for abuse that happened around my 8th birthday. One of two incidents that happened at the hands of the boyfriend of a babysitter.

***TW...***

For some reason the two incidents with this guy are ones I remember clearly. I remember what happened...I remember his hand around my neck, I remember the pillow over my face, I remember the feeling of him on top of me, I remember the names he called me, I remember the threats he made, I remember him telling me "this is the only thing you will ever be good for." Sometimes I give in to the negative thoughts, I give into the messages he gave me at the age of 7-8, I start to believe that maybe he was telling the truth, that I am only good for one thing, that I truly am those names that he called me.

Then I start to feel guilt...I never told anyone about the abuse until I was 20 years old. I start to wonder...how many other children did he do these things to? how many other children did he ingrain these messages into? how many other children live with this baggage? What if I would have told? Could he have been stopped? Could others have been spared the same violation? Obviously I don't know that he did these things to anyone else, but I assume it...knowing what I do about predators, it is very likely.

...

Tonight I don't know what to do with myself...I pace the house, I turn the TV up loud to try to drown out the thoughts on loop in my head...it isn't working...I just feel so alone in all of this...

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:thanks:for speaking out every thing I read helps.

sorry you went through so much. Sitting with you

 

Edited by Donnna

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