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Entries in this blog

 

Exhausted, confused, a mess...

I am currently drinking, NOT drunk by any means, but I am so confused. I never thought I'd be the person contemplating cheating on my spouse. I'm such a horrible person, I know. He has done plenty to deserve it, but I still know it's wrong to even think about it. I'm thinking about leaving him too. I'm so scared. I love him so much, but he has hurt me so much. I'm a loving and caring and loyal person, and for him to even crack that part of me, the part I cling to of my personality, it says A LOT

idknow

idknow

 

Music

I'm listening to music I don't usually like as a distraction from this passed week. I'm so emotionally drained. My patience worn thin. A week of hearing his voice on speaker phone in my house. * Then today has been rough as well,  my "husband" (in quotes due to questioning my marriage) has just shattered my life goals. He's lied and manipulated me for years. "Okay" being his M.O. he uses it as a get out of conversation free card, "I didn't say I wante

idknow

idknow

 

UGH

Fuck everyone!  That's all.

idknow

idknow

 

I'm just so tired.

I can't stop crying I just feel like the world is crushing in on me and I haven't even had anything major going on today my family has been arguing with each other and they take it out on whoever is closest I have been arguing with my husband about our move but nothing really out of the norm for us all I am so tired of life though I feel like I could go to sleep and never wake up I'm so tired tears steady running down my face and I can't seem to stop them I feel so overwhelmed by everything righ

idknow

idknow

 

I want to change.

Today I told myself I am going to change my lifestyle. I want to better myself. I want to stop hating myself. I seen a video of me earlier and I cried just looking at me. I'm so fat now that I have a double chin. I used to have myself convinced that I was heavy, but didn't really look it. Bullshit. I can't lie anymore. I hate who I've allowed myself to become because of what happened 20 fucking years ago. I'm depressed. I'm scared that I can't do

idknow

idknow

 

Rough day.

I've known that there was a possibility of my abuser getting out of prison for health reasons, but today it's been a big topic of discussion in my family. Hopes that he'll get early release,  plans of where he'll live, how badly he's being treated in there, poor him because he's basically been given a life sentence after being charge for less, etc. etc. etc. It's the topic at least once a week on a regular basis,  but he's been in the hospital for a few we

idknow

idknow

 

Some but not all

I accomplished a little bit. I washed some clothes, and I am starting another load with my sheets now. I feel a little better having done something today. I even cleared the left side of my table, which typically plays the role of catch all. I still need to go through some things and get rid of a lot, but I feel like something is better than nothing. I call today a win. One little victory at a time, it'll get done.    

idknow

idknow

 

Today.

13 hours later. I've had a less than productive day. I made a game plan for how today was gonna go last night, I threw it out first thing this morning. My son woke me up wanting to watch tv. I got up and made breakfast. I walked my dog in the rain three times today. I needed to clean my room, and downsize on clothes that I haven't even tried on in a few years. The goal last night was that I would have a bare room by the time I was done. I have ye

idknow

idknow

 

It's been a long year.

I'm sitting here thinking about the past and the future. Wondering how different my life could be right now if I had done even one little thing differently. This time last year I was stressing hard, trying to find a job and divorce lawyer. This year I'm sitting here regretting my decision to get back with my husband 8 months ago. He has never been stable, honest, trust worthy, or loyal. I used to be in love with him, now I love him but it's not even close to the same.

idknow

idknow

 

Possible trigger. New Things...

I've never tried anything like this before, so if you're taking the time to read this please bear with me.    I am a victim of early childhood sexual abuse that I repressed until I was 10, even then I couldn't clearly remember who did it. I knew who, but I was in denial due to my love and admiration for the person during the years of not remembering. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I wasn't wrong. I still couldn't come forward. I was afraid of being c

idknow

idknow

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