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idknow

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About idknow

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    Christian, 24, Female.

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Reading, Writing, Singing, Teaching, Animals.

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. anonymous1985. He isn't a very good communicator. he shuts me down every time I try to talk to him about anything of substance. I would never cheat, but I have had the thoughts a lot more often recently. There was a temptation and even though I shut it down and removed that person I have still caught myself thinking about it.
  2. I am currently drinking, NOT drunk by any means, but I am so confused. I never thought I'd be the person contemplating cheating on my spouse. I'm such a horrible person, I know. He has done plenty to deserve it, but I still know it's wrong to even think about it. I'm thinking about leaving him too. I'm so scared. I love him so much, but he has hurt me so much. I'm a loving and caring and loyal person, and for him to even crack that part of me, the part I cling to of my personality, it says A LOT. I'm so tired of hurting, and crying, and breaking a little everyday by staying. I'm going to sleep now. GoodNight to my private, broken world.
  3. idknow

    Music

    Thank you! I really appreciate the support
  4. idknow

    Music

    I'm listening to music I don't usually like as a distraction from this passed week. I'm so emotionally drained. My patience worn thin. A week of hearing his voice on speaker phone in my house. * Then today has been rough as well, my "husband" (in quotes due to questioning my marriage) has just shattered my life goals. He's lied and manipulated me for years. "Okay" being his M.O. he uses it as a get out of conversation free card, "I didn't say I wanted that too, I said 'okay' to get you to stop talking". No fucking joke, I think he's a narcissist. Every time I try to discuss anything like adults he starts a fight and then blames me because I brought up the topic in the first place. He will make commitments/promises and then later try to make me fell crazy by saying he never said that. It is so incredibly stressful. I'm exhausted.
  5. idknow

    UGH

    Fuck everyone! That's all.
  6. I can't stop crying I just feel like the world is crushing in on me and I haven't even had anything major going on today my family has been arguing with each other and they take it out on whoever is closest I have been arguing with my husband about our move but nothing really out of the norm for us all I am so tired of life though I feel like I could go to sleep and never wake up I'm so tired tears steady running down my face and I can't seem to stop them I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now I have no control over my life my husband is a massive di*k and my parents support me but my mom is bipolar and it's hard to deal with sometimes I know she can't help it but I still can't help taking it personally I just want to disappear why is Christmas always ruined last year I was separated from my husband and massively depressed and broke and the year before that the family was fighting and before that and pretty much every year I can remember growing up there was something going on argument wise I just don't know how much more I can take before I explode I'm so tired of hating myself and my life and I just want to disappear into nothing but I can't because I have my son and I don't want his Christmas ruined too by everyone and everything going on this is the first year he is old enough to really enjoy it all and is excited to get a visit from Santa and I was so excited with him but now I just can't stop this feeling of being crushed by life and I hate myself for it.
  7. Today I told myself I am going to change my lifestyle. I want to better myself. I want to stop hating myself. I seen a video of me earlier and I cried just looking at me. I'm so fat now that I have a double chin. I used to have myself convinced that I was heavy, but didn't really look it. Bullshit. I can't lie anymore. I hate who I've allowed myself to become because of what happened 20 fucking years ago. I'm depressed. I'm scared that I can't do this. It's not that I overeat so much as it is the things I eat, and I don't work out. I tried joining a gym once, but my social anxiety got the best of me. Everyone stared as I walked by, or while exercising. Like I didn't belong there, which of course made no sense because where else should a fat person be when trying to get better. I stopped going because I just couldn't take it anymore. I lost a lot of weight after having my son (all props go to breastfeeding). I had gotten under 200lbs for the first time in years, but that all came back, and then some, when I got into a depression over having to stop breastfeeding at 6ms from side effects of a surgery. I felt like a failure. I'm 258lbs today. I hate who I've become.
  8. Thank you. Sorry you're going through it too, hope it gets better for you as well!
  9. idknow

    Rough day.

    I've known that there was a possibility of my abuser getting out of prison for health reasons, but today it's been a big topic of discussion in my family. Hopes that he'll get early release, plans of where he'll live, how badly he's being treated in there, poor him because he's basically been given a life sentence after being charge for less, etc. etc. etc. It's the topic at least once a week on a regular basis, but he's been in the hospital for a few weeks so it has been discussed a lot more than usual. They don't know what he did to me, so I can't really blame them for talking about it in front of me. He's only in prison because during a case when a girl lied on him they found pics on his computer and used it as leverage to get him to plea out. They had no evidence in that case whatsoever, but got lucky for finding the pics. He has been with at least three underage girls that we know of, and they dropped all of that and the pics for his plea to the one he didn't actually do. He got off easy, imo his getting sick is God working out what the system failed to do. Strange the way things work out. Two 10 year sentences. He could get out at 5. But because the county is too stupid to take care of his health while in their care there is a chance he'll get out early now because he's dying. It's only been 3 years. Most of my family couldn't care less if he never makes it out just for what they do know. But some love him too much to wish death on him. Fucked up thing is I do have love for him, but at the same time I hate him. I don't know if I wish he were dead or not, honestly. I'm so conflicted. Part of me wants to hate him forever and hopes he'd just die and get out of my life forever so I can move on already. Another part knows that I should forgive him and move on anyway, for myself. And another couldn't wish anything bad on him at all because I know it would hurt people who are very important to me. Life is so fucked up. I hate hearing his voice, seeing his face, hearing the love and well wishes for him from family. But it wasn't like that before he got found out for who he really is. We had a relationship, I could tolerate being around him, I even questioned if it was really him who did those things to me like was I just that fucked up?. Because at the time it was just suspicion, I had no proof that he was really that way because he stopped when I was still little and I repressed it and had a close normal relationship with him after. Just the horrible thoughts of a fucked up little girl. I didn't know back then that you could forget and then suddenly remember something so wrong. But I guess now that it has been confirmed that he really is a pedophile, it's easier for me to believe and trust myself. It's like I am going through it all over again. When it happened. When I first started having flashbacks. And when it was confirmed when he was put away for the others. It's SO hard dealing with all of this. It's especially hard when no-one knows. But the guilt of not coming forward and possibly saving the others, the fear of what it would do to my family, and the fear of not being believed makes it seem impossible to come forward. I'm having a tough day to say the least.
  10. I accomplished a little bit. I washed some clothes, and I am starting another load with my sheets now. I feel a little better having done something today. I even cleared the left side of my table, which typically plays the role of catch all. I still need to go through some things and get rid of a lot, but I feel like something is better than nothing. I call today a win. One little victory at a time, it'll get done.
  11. idknow

    Today.

    Thank you. I really hope you can too! It's very hard being so hard on myself. I know I shouldn't be, but I am anyway. I hope one day we both can stop doing it. Hopefully VERY soon.
  12. idknow

    Today.

    13 hours later. I've had a less than productive day. I made a game plan for how today was gonna go last night, I threw it out first thing this morning. My son woke me up wanting to watch tv. I got up and made breakfast. I walked my dog in the rain three times today. I needed to clean my room, and downsize on clothes that I haven't even tried on in a few years. The goal last night was that I would have a bare room by the time I was done. I have yet to do anything I actually planned. I get these burst of mental energy, plan all the things I need to get done, and then when it comes time to put them into motion I just can't. I know it's not really dirty, but it is kind of cluttered. I did get a bath today though. I even washed and brushed my hair, but I didn't even have the energy to blow dry it. I put on my smile and sat here all day watching cartoons with my kid. Made his day, but he doesn't even realize how bad it makes me feel to be so depressed that I can't even actually play with my son. He thinks he won the lottery by getting a lazy tv day, I feel like a failure as a mom yet again for yet another "lazy" day. On one hand I know it's silly, but on the other I can't stop the thoughts of inadequacy. My thoughts are more often my worst enemy, even when planning to do something good for myself because most of the time I don't follow through and then am left feeling worse than before I thought to do it. Tomorrow I plan to clean my room, I really want to accomplish at least this much.
  13. I'm sitting here thinking about the past and the future. Wondering how different my life could be right now if I had done even one little thing differently. This time last year I was stressing hard, trying to find a job and divorce lawyer. This year I'm sitting here regretting my decision to get back with my husband 8 months ago. He has never been stable, honest, trust worthy, or loyal. I used to be in love with him, now I love him but it's not even close to the same. I stay for our son. I don't trust his family, and he thinks they are perfect because "I turned out just fine". Yeah, sure he turned out ok, but both of his sisters are victims of years of sexual abuse by multiple men, and his mother blamed them. His niece is a victim and his sister stopped her therapy because "she's fine now". His sister allows anyone to be around and alone and watch her children, even if she barely knows them. His sister normalizes making friends "family". She knew this one woman for less than a month and was having her children call her aunt and her husband uncle. I think that creates a false trust. No you shouldn't necessarily be scared of everyone, but come on these are strangers you're telling your children to trust blindly. It scares me for my son if I ever do separate from my husband, because he isn't exactly the best and most interactive father. He likes to play for awhile and gets bored and frustrated quickly so then he pawns him off on whoever is closest. And I know he'd be the same way if we split. I do believe in my vows and want to make this work, but I'm not happy. My past is making it hard for me to have a productive and happy future. My anxiety is so bad I can't drive without anxiety/panic attacks. It's always been hard for me to work. I have a very hard time trusting anyone. Social anxiety has ruined many friendships and relationships for me. But after my abuser was arrested it has gotten so much worse. I can't even work anymore. I tried to get a job last year and I physically could not complete work tasks that involved interacting with customers because I would have paralyzing anxiety attacks. I am a stay at home mom now, and I love it because it's always what I wanted when I had a family. But it's also a side effect of my issues. I get so tired of something that happened 20yrs ago ruining my life now. I put on a happy front for my son. But my husband and I fight constantly, and a lot of it is my trust issues. I've always had the trust issues, but now that he broke my trust more than once it seems impossible to build from there. We want to do therapy, but he's gone so much for work it's not able to be scheduled. I'm at a loss for what to do. Just venting really.
  14. I've never tried anything like this before, so if you're taking the time to read this please bear with me. I am a victim of early childhood sexual abuse that I repressed until I was 10, even then I couldn't clearly remember who did it. I knew who, but I was in denial due to my love and admiration for the person during the years of not remembering. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I wasn't wrong. I still couldn't come forward. I was afraid of being called a liar because of our close relationship. Or a sicko for even thinking it possible because we're family. Mostly I was afraid of what it might do to my family. I won't go into details; partially because I don't remember, but also because I can't yet put into words the things I do. I found this site very recently and I've been trying to get up the courage to post. I've always battled with anxiety, so taking the risk of someone I know finding and reading this is very hard for me. My husband knows of who and what (not details) I believe was done to me. I was drinking, far from drunk, one night with him and my sisters-in-law and we were talking on the subject and I confessed to them what had happened. I still fear they may tell my family. I don't think I could live with that. My family knows the person who did it is a pedophile, he's in jail for others, but when asked I lied and said I was never a victim. I deal with guilt and regret over not coming forward every single day. Maybe I could've saved those other girls had I done so. I know I could have. I nearly took my life over the guilt a few times as a teen. 2 failed attempts. Countless times of wishing I could. And even though I am so happy I didn't succeed, I still battle the thoughts everyday. I have a beautiful little boy now, and I fight for him so hard. I started this as a way of working through my issues with sharing, in hopes it will ease my depression and suicidal thoughts some. I want to be here for my child. I am NOW a survivor. Thank you for letting me sort of tell my story. I'm working up to more. My goal is to post at least once a week about anything just to get my feelings out.
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