Too Many Feelings Not Enough Numbness

[mike621812]

Hello All,

I have lived my life in the closet. I felt safe being anomous. I am fat but that was a label I could live with. I did what I had always done i thought I was safe, I thought I was anomous. It wasn't safe. I am tried and too many thoughts are in my head, it is morning but have been awake most of the night so I guess I am not waking up. I have tried thinking my way through what has happened to me. I found this web site yesterday or the day before. I will go to work. If I don't go to work then I will be alone with myself all day, thinking. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to walk pass the alley. I am two blocks away and I can smell the garbage. I am tired so tired.

[ElleWhite]

Hi Mike. Glad you found AS. It is a great resource! You're never alone here, and there is always someone that shares in your pain.

You'll find support, commonality, resources, compassion, and most of all...acceptance.

You're not alone.

Elle

[mike621812]

Thank you Elle for the reply. I am not sure what I am doing right now and hope to find some guidance and maybe a friend that I can talk to about this. I know I have done a lot of stupid things already. I mean everyone sees it on tv right, don't wash your clothes, don't wash your self. It is always there on CSI and every other cop show. What did I do come home get in the bath tub and let the shower run on me for a long time. Then throw out everything and I mean everything I had on. I will cut this short for now. I have more energy right than I have had all day and want to do some normal stuff before my brain gets in the way.

[Hurricane]

Hey Mike I'm new here too! Looking forward to getting to know people on the site. See you around.

[mike621812]

Thanks Hurricane. Yesterday was a rough day for me. My boss a well mean guy called me in to his office to ask what is bothering me. Some or one of co-workers complain that I was being either short with them or ignoring them. It wasn't an ass chewing per se but a gentle nudge back in to line. That part was fine with and I could have taken that in stride. The problem came when another co-worker, a guy, came in behind me to ask a quick question. I instantly felt trapped. My heart started racing, my palms got sweaty, my attention to every going on in the office just vanished. I just freezed up. I can't explain all the feelings I felt. It is like they overlap. After a minute or five I don't know my boss was asking if there was anything he could do to help me out. I said no but I had to excuse myself because I needed to use the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet seat before my bowels released (I hope this isn't to graphic). After that I just couldn't focus on work. I told my boss I was going to see a client and went home. Once home I just went to my bedroom and went to sleep till this morning. I got to get this under control or I am afraid I will get in trouble with my boss and job.

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.
Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Please know you are not alone.

Found