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About mike621812

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    Unsure about everything
  • Birthday 06/23/1970

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    American Football - Pittsburgh Steelers
    Cooking - Steaks and Tacos

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  1. I have been living as a closeted gay for a very long time. I would like to be able to share with my mother and father but can't. I think they suspect what my orientation is but in my family you just don't talk about such things. My parents have made it clear on a number of occasions that the lifestyle I lead would not be acceptable to them. If I were to go to them about what happened it would just bring down the house of lies that I have built. For me this site and the members who read my posts, share and offer support are the thin line between wanting to live and wanting to sleep forever. So BCR in telling me your story I gained strength in knowing that in time I too may become strong enough to tell my parents about what happened. Because you share your story my I gained hope that there is a future that I can look back from and call it my healing process. When you tell me of your six years of abuse it makes understand that things could have been far worse than my single attack and it inspires me to stay focused on the present. BCR thank you for the gifts of strength, hope and inspiration for in this moment you have made better my life but your simple act of being.
  2. Thanks Hurricane. Yesterday was a rough day for me. My boss a well mean guy called me in to his office to ask what is bothering me. Some or one of co-workers complain that I was being either short with them or ignoring them. It wasn't an ass chewing per se but a gentle nudge back in to line. That part was fine with and I could have taken that in stride. The problem came when another co-worker, a guy, came in behind me to ask a quick question. I instantly felt trapped. My heart started racing, my palms got sweaty, my attention to every going on in the office just vanished. I just freezed up. I can't explain all the feelings I felt. It is like they overlap. After a minute or five I don't know my boss was asking if there was anything he could do to help me out. I said no but I had to excuse myself because I needed to use the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet seat before my bowels released (I hope this isn't to graphic). After that I just couldn't focus on work. I told my boss I was going to see a client and went home. Once home I just went to my bedroom and went to sleep till this morning. I got to get this under control or I am afraid I will get in trouble with my boss and job.
  3. Thank you Elle for the reply. I am not sure what I am doing right now and hope to find some guidance and maybe a friend that I can talk to about this. I know I have done a lot of stupid things already. I mean everyone sees it on tv right, don't wash your clothes, don't wash your self. It is always there on CSI and every other cop show. What did I do come home get in the bath tub and let the shower run on me for a long time. Then throw out everything and I mean everything I had on. I will cut this short for now. I have more energy right than I have had all day and want to do some normal stuff before my brain gets in the way.
  4. Hello All, I have lived my life in the closet. I felt safe being anomous. I am fat but that was a label I could live with. I did what I had always done i thought I was safe, I thought I was anomous. It wasn't safe. I am tried and too many thoughts are in my head, it is morning but have been awake most of the night so I guess I am not waking up. I have tried thinking my way through what has happened to me. I found this web site yesterday or the day before. I will go to work. If I don't go to work then I will be alone with myself all day, thinking. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to walk pass the alley. I am two blocks away and I can smell the garbage. I am tired so tired.
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