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Kez

Hi..i'm Kez

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It has taken me three weeks to get up the courage to introduce myself… I am 29... I have spent my life glossing over the fact that anything bad ever happened to me. Pretended it was only just a small fact of my life that it had no impact whatsoever. The truth is I have spent my life apart from the world never allowing others close enough to touch me or close enough to know anything about me. I had my walls built strong and I thought I had my memories locked tight in storage bins duct taped, with combination locks had thrown away the codes and then shoved into storage units. I wanted to believe everyone had the same boundaries and rules I had about people riding in the car with me and checking the locks and windows at night… I was just being safe! I became so good at keeping the memories away that I thought I would always be able to do so…

My world crashed down on me in August of 2008 when some little gremlin found the codes to the storage units of my brain and started running around un packing the VHS’s of my past and popping them in at random. It started with a flashback that hit me out of nowhere, then the nightmares started, then the social anxiety that I had fought so hard to push away returned. I started cutting again I had been cut free since 2004, and then found myself sitting on a bar stool staring into two shots of Southern comfort… I had just celebrated 10 years of sobriety… I walked away with my sobriety but two weeks later I took a handful of pills and tried to kill myself. When I woke up the next morning I realized it wasn’t the answer and started this journey of trying to get better and looking at my past.

Its been a year since that first flash back this has been hell, I have not had a goodnights sleep since this whole thing has started, I have the same nightmare over and over. I fought the suggestion of a friend to find a site for survivors, because by coming here I am admitting I may possibly be one of you. It took me days staring at your message board topics to even find the courage to click on one of them… Then once I did click on one of the forums I couldn’t even open one of the discussions, then I had to force myself to comment.

I believe with my whole heart that you are all not to blame, that its not your fault, and I fear my feelings of guilt and shame and believing how disgusting I am somehow will imply I feel the same about you… So I am so fearful of sharing. Anyway I am trying with all my might to get past the fear to not let the memories the pain and the anger rule my life anymore to do the right thing and be a good “human” though I don’t feel like one most days. My uncle is dead. Therefore I believe my memories should be too. Or somehow I do not have the right to be so afraid anymore. Anyway this is me reaching out stepping outside my comfort as there are so many of you here…

I truly have found this site helpful in the time I have been here so thank you for that….

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:flowers:

Hi and welcome to AS

best wishes

karen

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Hi Kez :wave:

Welcome to AS

My name is Cathy, I am part of the newbie support team here at Aftersilence. I will be happy to help you settle in, if you have any problems or questions you send me or any member of the team a personal message.

FIrstly well done in introducing yourself :clap: it can be really hard! I pushed everything back for a few years too, and I know how hard it can be when it all comes to the surface :hug: I am glad you did decide to give us a try because I really think that admitting that it happened is the first step in healing, denying it just makes things harder in my opinion.

Don't worry about feeling that you will hurt anyone by saying how you are feeling hun, Most of us feel the same, I myself blame my self for what has happened me, but not for one second would I ever think that of anyone else that has been SA, CSA, or R even if their story was the exact same as mine! There is a hypocrit in all of us :P

Its good to see that you have been soder for so long, thats a great achievement :) and that you have seen that taking your life is not the way :hug:

Can I just say too that just because your uncle who did this is dead now does not take away what he did to you, or the effects of it!

I am also happy to see that the site has helped you, and I hope that it keeps helping you!

Look forward to seeing you around the board :flowers:

Hugs and Support

Cathy :hug:

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Welcome kez. I hope that you realise you are not alone in your fight and daily battle, and I hope that you find some comfort from this site and the words and wishes of those here.

You are welcome to PM me if you would like.

Safe hugs if thats ok :hug:

J

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Hello and welcome, Kez. Best wishes on your road to healing. Message me if you ever need anything. Take good care. :supportu::notalone:

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Welcome to AS Kez

Im sorry you have to be here, but Im glad you found us. Aftersilence is so very helpful.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything,

Ashley

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Hello Kez, and welcome to AS. :)

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