Hi Everyone

[Unbreakable]

Hi, my name is Liz and I survived rape and abuse. I’ve come very far in the 3 years since it started. Most of the time what fucks me up the most is that it doesn’t bother me that much anymore. In my head it's like the death of a beloved family member. I cried and cried and cried and I thought the world would end, and I wanted to die. But somewhere along the line I stopped crying and other things in my life became more important and that part of my life became less and less important. Does that mean that I'm healed? Or does that mean that somewhere deep in the bowels of my mind, I've repressed how I'm really feeling?

I’m fucked up in some ways. But I don’t know what is because of the damage from the rape and what is just weirdness that I would have developed even if it had never happened. Like, I LOVE SEX now. But I won’t be satisfied by the sex unless I have both a man and a girl there to have sex with. And here’s another thing. I have a God-given gift for being able to seduce any woman in the world, no matter how straight, how gay, whether she has a boyfriend, or even a husband. No matter what, I always know what to say to get any girl to have sex with me. I've pretended to be rich, I've offered girls jobs as a model and/or actress that would make them rich. But it's not all lying too. Many times I can just talk a girl into kissing me and then talk her out of her clothes from there. Many times I just talk a girl into having sex with whatever man I'm with, and then I'll have sex with her while she's having sex with him. I think that my need to do this has something to do with my rape experiences. But I don't know if I'm just an f-ed up person to begin with. Would I even be bisexual if I weren't raped? I don't remember ever having bisexual urges before my rape, just after. For a long time after my rape, I became a very manipulative person. I learned to play on people's sympathy, or just to be able to persuade anyone to do whatever I wanted. Is that because of the rape? Or is that just a birth defect? I am obsessed with the story of Louise Ogborn. I have to know everything about everything there is to know about her and her case. Is that just me being creepy and f-ed up? Or is that to somehow help me heal, when I feel healed already? I have other questions still, but no matter how healed I am, or not, I don't think I'll ever be able to ask them because it's just too humiliating, and I decided to stop humiliating myself a long time ago.

For the most part I feel healed. I just have all of these questions, and a lot of guilt and sympathy for other victims/survivors.

For the past 6 months I have been living with a married couple that have taken me in. The wife is the best friend I have ever had and she is a survivor too, and the husband is exactly what every woman would want in Mr. Perfect. He is so good with us and I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. If he weren’t married I would snatch him up for myself, but since he is, I’ll do the next best thing: live with them as their live-in playmate for as long as they’ll have me, which they assure me will be for a very long time.

I hope to make friends with all of you. I hope that I am able to help you all in some way, big or small. I hope that amongst you, there is someone who can answer my questions.

By banding together we can be strong enough to defeat any of our abusers. I want to be a part of that.

Liz

[dodo]

Hi and welcome to AS

by the way unbreakable is one of my favourite films!

best wishes

karen

[JenKitty]

Welcome Liz!

I am at the point now where I can talk about it to almost everyone, including complete strangers. (However I still can't tell my parents for some reason.) For the most part it's like I "don't care" anymore....I still have days where I am still very effected by it though...

Now that I am married, I have discovered the passion/joy/pleasure in sex! I LOVE sex now, I almost can't get enough of it! But it wasn't like this till after I married, and I have been with the same person for over 8 1/2 years! (Married almost 4) He was the first person I ever told. It's weird that I didnt start enjoying sex until after I got married. I went through guilt about not getting to experience it with other men, I even wished my husband had experienced it with other women. It can be amazing and it made me feel bad that my husband only knows what we have together.

After I was abused, I also became bisexual. Would I be if I had not been abused? It's hard to say.

Well, welcome aboard Liz!

~Jen

[Guest SaraElizabeth]

Hi Liz and welcome to AS

My name is Sara and I am a member of the Newbie Support Team which was set up to help new members settle in, so if you have any questions or need any help then please feel free to send me or another team member a message.

I'm glad that you feel like you have healed, and Im happy that you're living with great people You can definitely be part of that!

Sara

[dopey]

Hello and welcome to AS

[JenKittySupporter]

Hello Liz,

I want to make sure everybody knows that I am very proud of you for being such a strong person. You'll work through it all. I know you will because of what I've seen in you already.

Any time you want to talk, I'm here.

Cuchulainn

[MidnightSunshine531]

welcome to AS

[Unbreakable]

Thank you all for such a warm welcome. I want you all to know that if there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know.

Liz