I Feel So Alone,please Can Somebody Help Me

[mcangel]

I feel so alone right now. I can't sleep, eat, relax. I am having such a hard time even functioning. people say you should not put it out of your mind, forget. Well now I can't forget anymore. But I don't know what to do. The emotions, the shame, the guilt, the fear; it is all destroying me. I need to cry, I can't. I don't want to be weak, don't want to fall apart, but I am. People need me. I am their rock. I just don't know what to do right now. I wish I could just disappear for a little bit. The pain is too unbearable. I am so depressed right now. How do you get through this? How do you stop hating yourself? I don't know who I am anymore. I am lost.

[ainedb]

Oh hon, it's ok to fall apart once in a while! And you are not alone, not in the least. We are all only human, and we survivors have been through so much! PM me if you need to!

I have been dealing with depression for years, and I know just how you feel. After my abuse I felt like I was a totally different person than who I'd always intended to be. I hated myself for it. Now, I hate myself because of my eating disorder, but that's a different story. I guess we just must learn to accept that sometimes things in life happen to us which we have little or no control over, and we need to let go of the guilt and self-blame which feeds into a lot of our self-hatred. It's hard to do, and I don't really know the how of it, just that it takes time and it takes a lot of gentle care of yourself to do it. GO for walks, take calm baths, try to pamper yourself a little. Another one of the things that helped me was volunteering; I went to an animal shelter and saw the poor kittens and dogs who were feeling as abused as I was and I was able to hold them and love them a little and do what I can to make their lives better. In the end it helped me love myself a little more, too.

Whatever you do, remember you are not alone, and that as cliche as it sounds you will find yourself again and this too will pass. If you have a therapist to talk to that might help, and he or she may recommend an anti-depressant to get you through some of the worst of it.

Edited July 20, 2007 by ainedb

[melissa]

Ditto ^

You are not alone. We are all here to help you walk through your journey of healing. I understand that it's easier to have a "real-life" person, but this is a wonderful place.

Crying is perceived as a weakness in my home, however, not crying led me to all sorts of releases that were not at all healthy. I had to learn for myself that crying is okay, and I now know that. Crying isn't weak. It's perfectly okay. As it is perfectly okay to fall apart every so often, and release all that pain inside, for the time being. If you feel like you are going to do something rash, perhaps you should talk to a counselor/therapist. Not to be rude in suggesting that, or anything...just wondering if perhaps it would help.

In learning to love yourself you must first embrace yourself and all that comes with you. You must fully accept who you are, I think. Also, I like ainedb's idea of going to the animal shelter. I worked with young, abused children, and got in touch with my inner child, while helping them learn to heal.

I wish you the best of luck,

Take care,

Melissa

[angelic]

Hey, you are allowed to fall apart every now and then. Keep posting here and we will all be here listening. Dont try to do too much at once. Take care of yourself,

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

[the_lioness]

Falling apart isn't a bad thing hun. We all need to do that when we've helped people for so long without helping ourselves. You have survived this long-- don't give up. We love you here at AS. I've seen your posts around-- and you've listened to all of us moan and groan so much, I hope

you can get some help for yourself! You've been so kind to us all.

Sometimes I wish I could cry also. Not crying is a skill you developed when your boundaries were betrayed. If you can't cry, that's okay. Do what you can-- Scream. Stomp your feet. Lose your temper. Fall into pieces. And you'll pull through ;) Eventually you will re-learn to cry. I promise--even though it seems like life will never go back to normal now -- I assure you, it will. And maybe when you come around at the end of this, life will be even better than it ever has been.

How it happened for me:

When I first started talking about my abuse I felt like silence had been better. When I was silent I kept my cool, I had friends I could help, I was amazingly normal--smart--healthy. I was an all-american girl. When I told, some of those things changed for awhile. I was in a bad place.

I got pretty low, I'll admit, and there were days I didn't think I'd wake up. But I always did-- and eventually-- I started laughing sometimes, then I learned to cry, and then I stopped re-abusing myself. And sometimes I go back there, and that's okay. But everytime I'm happy (now that I've admitted to pain) it feels SO good.

And mcangel:

You arn't lost: you just need some time to get to know the part of yourself that wasn't abused, and to get to know the part of yourself that has been.

You arn't alone: all of us here were hurt. People care about you and what happens to you. Even the people who have never had the balls to say so.

All my prayers and support,

Elle

[NewHope]

I've fallen apart far more often than I'd like to admit! Take some time for your own healing, sometimes you just have to. Down the road, you will be so much better equipped to be there for others who need you. Take care of yourself, and welcome!

[mcangel]

I've fallen apart far more often than I'd like to admit! Take some time for your own healing, sometimes you just have to. Down the road, you will be so much better equipped to be there for others who need you. Take care of yourself, and welcome!

thanks everyone guys. It is nice to know I am not alone. I hope one day I will be as strong as you all, and maybe I could help someone like you helped me.

[live4now]

I've fallen apart far more often than I'd like to admit! Take some time for your own healing, sometimes you just have to. Down the road, you will be so much better equipped to be there for others who need you. Take care of yourself, and welcome!

thanks everyone guys. It is nice to know I am not alone. I hope one day I will be as strong as you all, and maybe I could help someone like you helped me.

hey Mcangel, you already are showing strength, for admitting you need help and being brave enough to reach out and get it. You will get through this, just give yourself time to be you and feel whatever it is you need to feel.

LIve

Ps, I found that throwing myself onto my bed and throwing a tantrum like a 2 yr old helped me with some of the frustration you have described.

Remember your not the only one and your not alone anymore

[-Nicole-]

Welcome to After Silence

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now, but there are many wonderful supportive people here willing to lend an ear. Keep posting, you are certainly not alone in feeling the way you do.

Nicole

[Bridget]

Hi, mcangel. I'm new here, too. Your post brought tears to my eyes, because I was in the exact same place at this time last year.

Please, hon, let yourself cry. It's OK to let your guard down. You don't always have to be strong. Like you, I tried to just forget about the rape, as if it could somehow just go away. But it doesn't. Finally I realized that I couldn't deny it any more, and I needed to give myself permission to cry and to lean on the people who cared about me. Once you give yourself permission to do those things, the healing process can begin.

Trust me, it will get better. You've already taken a big step by coming here and seeking out the support of others.

Take care of yourself.