Another Newbie...struggling

[flyingfox]

Hello...

I know I need to seek counseling and will be working on finding a Dr. this coming week. For now I'm feeling uncomfortable enough to "reach out" in a safe place.

Background: sexually abused by both parents and several peers in elementary school.

I'm just now acknowledging that I was abused by my mother (I'll be 25 soon) and that what happened in elementary school was abuse. This coincides with my first year of marriage.

I constantly find myself disconnected and withdrawing from others OR feeling an intense need to connect with people (spouse or friends). Very little grey area exists with my emotions - I'm either "hot or cold." Luckily my husband is very understanding and I always make an effort to tell him exactly what's going on...although sometimes I'm extremely reluctant to be "open." I'm sure my friends are completely confused because I am not predictable and send "mixed signals." None of my friends "know."

I feel like a mess. My mother is always present throughout waking hours and bombards me in my sleep now as well. She lives thousands of miles away and we are estranged, but she still frightens me.

[Donna]

I'm sorry for all that you have been through hun, please keep with you that you're not alone and all of us can relate to any emotions or feelings that you may be having.

Keep posting & welcome to After Silence.

Donna =)

[dodo]

Welcome to AS

I was 44 before I first saw a councellor, I wish I had done it many, many years ago. So I wish you luck in finding a councellor. It does help to write these things out. You will find lots of support and friendship here

Best wishes

Karen

[sunday]

I'm sorry for all the abuse you have taken throughout your life and for all the after effects it has had on you. Even when you find a therapist it takes some time to adjust to them and they have other patients so aren't always available to you; in that time while you are adjusting or when they are unavailable this site will likely be really good for you. There are people that can relate to you that know exactly what you are feeling and can offer you helpful advice or encouraging words. Something that i find helpful is to try and reach out to others, to try and offer them some sort of uplifting words. I'm glad that you have an understanding husband, someone that is there for you. Perhaps once you come fully to terms with what has happened to you you will be able to share with your close friends and have another understanding source to turn to when you are feeling upset.

Edited February 27, 2006 by sunday

[Venia]

You've been through a lot, and it's great that you're reaching out for support both here at AS and also that you're looking for a doctor. Welcome to the board, and I hope that things pick up for you really soon

Love Meg xx

[thriver]

Welcome! I think it's great that you're reaching out here. I was abused by both parents as well. It is difficult to accept, I know. I'm with you--my mother scares the bleep out of me. And I spent years trying to gain her approval--ironic! My therapist has helped me a lot with both. Good luck to you and hang in there.

[brobbitt]

Hi,

"I know I need to seek counseling and will be working on finding a Dr. this coming week. For now I'm feeling uncomfortable enough to "reach out" in a safe place."

Then your journey has just begun, the burden has become greater than the fear.... well done!!!

"I'm just now acknowledging that I was abused by my mother (I'll be 25 soon) and that what happened in elementary school was abuse. This coincides with my first year of marriage."

I can only imagine how tough this realisation must be for you... has anything specific happened to drive these feelings now? E.g. first year in marriage can be quite tough as we step out of being totally independent

and begin to share things...especially our feelings. :o(

"I constantly find myself disconnected and withdrawing from others OR feeling an intense need to connect with people (spouse or friends). Very little grey area exists with my emotions - I'm either "hot or cold."

Not surprising that on one hand you may draw away as your feelings are quite raw, you may feel that others may see whats going on within you...at the same time, there is generally a need for closeness and acceptance...your feelings are very natural at the moment...

"Luckily my husband is very understanding and I always make an effort to tell him exactly what's going on...although sometimes I'm extremely reluctant to be "open."

Hey, you have been so brave so far, take it one day at a time with your husband and only reveal in the moments the things that you really feel safe to...Sounds like you have a gudden in your husband !!

"I'm sure my friends are completely confused because I am not predictable and send "mixed signals." None of my friends "know."

In your own time you will get there...I'm sure if your friends are really good ones that they would understand if you ever decide to tell them... try to be kind to you in these moments, you so deserve that..

"I feel like a mess. My mother is always present throughout waking hours and bombards me in my sleep now as well. She lives thousands of miles away and we are estranged, but she still frightens me."

Your fears are completely understandible, but she can't hurt you any more! Only you can!... Hopefully when you arrive at counselling you will really begin to express your feelings about her and others and begin the process of feeling better... Your mind is attempting to heal itself by sending you messages in the hope that you will deal with them...you are doing that just by being here and looking for therapy...the rest will take time!!

Whilst waiting to visit your doctor :

I would suggest that maybe you don't read anything on the site for a while that is marked with a 'trigger notice', try and take in some mental positivity e.g motivational or spiritually uplifting books, excercise regularly, avoid alcohol at all costs at the moment (it is a depressant), maybe take a look at and with your husband complete the mental imagery programe I placed on the 'support from a secondary' notice board.... Mosy of all be kind to yourself in these moments, you have been through and are going through enough without self recrimination of any form...

Feel free to write or pm any time you feel like doing so if you think it will help...

Good luck

Brian