The Beginning

[Ready4help21]

Hi, I am new here and was desperately searching online for help, a way to put an end to my suffering. I don't mean suicide, tried that too many times and failed (obviously), I mean the mental and emotional suffering I have endured it seems since this happened to me at 5 years old. I am one year away from 50 and I have been trying for the past 10 years of my marriage to ignore the issues, self medicate them, hide them, deny them and nothing works. So, here I am. I've hit rock bottom I guess, and so there is no way but up from here, anything anyone can suggest, recommend I'm open to, I've read books, did counseling, currently on medication for depression and still, this ugly monster keeps rearing it's head and trying to consume my very soul.  I just need help. I want to be a good wife, a healthy wife, not one that views sex as a duty or chore so her husband won't leave her and find someone that actually enjoys having sex with him. I don't want to fake it to make it anymore.  Thank you for listening.

[MeBeMary]

Hi there, Ready.

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured so many years ago. I can relate, I found this site after denying and struggling for over 30 years. I felt helpless, alone and confused. I needed an outlet and I found this site, too. It is filled with so many understanding and supportive people. It is a safe haven to speak out and find ways to manage life better. I am glad that you have found us.

I am glad you are still here! It means you are a fighter, if you realize it or not. Trying to find other ways is the brave way to go. Maybe not easy, but it is the right way. 

Feel free to look around the community and jump in where you feel comfortable. As a member, it is your pace and your comfort as to how you interact. You will find great support tho, and feel so not alone with these struggles. I wish you the very best as you continue down this sometimes bumpy road we call healing.

Mary

  

[Ready4help21]

Thank you so much! I just want advice, tools I can use right away, someone  to listen or care. Someone that can relate to what I'm going through or will go through. I just want to be cured from what has been more like a disease to me than anything else. 

[jazz101]

@Ready4help21 its something that you can never forget . Its something that will stay with you but it'll get easier too live with.  You reaching out is a major thing and one step closer too healing.  Sharing with us is so brave of you and that is amazing,  you are showing strength and that's great.  You seem like this great amazing person and you are NOT some sex object that men may see you as . You are a strong independent woman and when see you as anything else then shame on them . You should be valued as this great amazing person that you are. You got this , stay awesome  ❤❤

[Ready4help21]

Thank you for that, it doesn't seem very brave or strong to ask for help lol, more like the opposite. I never have felt like a sex object but I did use sex as a tool to get what I wanted from men or women, mostly just love and security. Now that I'm married I have no need to use sex as a tool because I can just ask for what I want or work hard to get it myself, so that leaves sex out of the picture for me now. I'd be just fine never having sex again the rest of my life but I know that is not realistic being married. I just want to be able to give myself and my husband what we both deserve. Well, what he deserves, I'm not sure if I do or not right now. Still working on that one. 

[jazz101]

@Ready4help21 yes you are very brave for sharing with us and that's awesome ❤ you know what you can do is , do what feels right for you . There is 2 people ina relationship and good communication.  It's not what he deserves its what you deserve too 🙂 you deserve good things too . 

[Ready4help21]

I have a very very very difficult time believing that, even now I can easily give to others but for them to give to me seems wrong or unnecessary. I know that's a self worth issue but I just can't stop the mentality of thinking I should be the one always giving, never receiving. 

[jazz101]

You are just as deserving as others 🙂🙂 believe in yourself. ❤

[Ready4help21]

That sure sounds good but right now they are just words on paper. No offense to you, I know you are just trying to help, just being honest about where I'm at.

[jazz101]

That's okay 🙂

[8888]

Welcome @Ready4help21 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[missfrier]

Hello ready4help21

Welcome to  AS.   I am sorry to hear that you've had to find us, but  glad you did.  I am sad to hear that someone you care about has experienced trauma.  It is always wonderful to see someone willing and wanting to help their family member or friend through this   difficult time.   Just being there for them and letting  them talk without fear of judgement is the absolute best gift you can give them.  Please know and understand that we are also here to support you.  I hope that being here will help you to be able to support your loved one as best as you possibly can.  Please lean on us for support if you need.  

 

Wishing you all the best!!!

missfrier

 

 

[Poppy_]

Hi, @Ready4help21 - 

Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry you seem to be hurting so much right now. I know it's never easy to move past something like this. I think reaching out to this community was a great idea to help you begin your healing journey and to find that peace you are searching for. This community, while not filled with professionals, is full of wonderful caring people from all different walks of life that can offer their experiences to you. 

You will find a lot of sub-forums here that might be able to point you in the direction of what you're looking for. If you have any questions, please let me know and I will help you the best way I can! Remember that you are wanted and loved and you are not alone. I support you! 

Again, welcome. Hope to see you around! 

All the best,
Poppy