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aprilbaby49
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Blog Entries posted by aprilbaby49
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Today. I am thinking of trauma. I love being able to blog and say whatever I please. I can not be judged. Thinking back to that moment, when I woke up slumped over placed in a position like a rag doll, naked. I did not give permission to take my clothes off. It is sick. I hope he remembers it ...to his last living day, because it is not my problem he chose to do that. And to all the people that judge and talk about me because of that, that is there problem too. I feel bad for them. I see so many entries and blogs, that the victim feels bad. I understand everyone processes trauma differently. BUT FOR ME, if people find out I'm a victim, they can chose what they do with the information. Most days, it is just another memory but it makes me feel stronger and I pity the people that question if it is true. With so many questions why did it happen, I won't do it any longer. I will not get an answer, and furthermore I do not want his explanation. It was wrong, he was wrong. I can not stand being looked at differently for his wrong doing. I think back to how I felt before it took place, and why I still can't feel that way. I can and I will. I won't be angry for someone else's mistake. This year I have made goals for myself no one else and it is up to me to achieve them. I can't focus on a past event that was horrible in every sort of way.
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Some days I wonder if he cares how he has made me feel? We were close for so many years, and after that first night I never spoke to him again. It hurts to know what he did, and that he didn't admit it. Will he ever? The hardest thing is to know he hasn't paid for it. In the bigger scheme, shouldn't someone who committed rape have to face the consequences in the eyes of the law. I feel like I am waiting for a call from the detective, all the time... waiting for the words he admitted to everything. If he doesn't I will be shocked. The person I knew, the memories from middle school up to those nights are already wiped from my mind of being good memories, they are just thoughts now. Thoughts of how I thought I had a friend, someone I could laugh with and trust, but now he has a chance to come clean about his actions. Will he be righteous, will he tell the truth? I did, and that is really all that matters to me. Him telling the truth would just close up the memories the try to hold onto, that he could actually be a decent human being. I feel empowered somewhat that I was able to report, to speak my mind, tell law enforcement what happened. I had wanted to do that for so long, and now I am feeling if he does not tell the truth, I will lose any last flicker of hope about him being a person. His actions do not make sense to me, and I can no longer go on with those thoughts. I always say, why should I feel terrible for his actions? I shouldn't and I won't.
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I have read a lot lately about not knowing what to write or say. If only I could truly express my feelings in words. I want to live my life knowing I never knew it was going to happen. Was there a reason it happened? Don't they say everything happens for a reason. What is the reasoning for this. I am meant to relive these nights just because. My counselor seems understanding, and is what I always wanted. I know I can not live with the memories creeping back daily. If someone passes away or you break up with someone, it gets easier as time goes on. This seems harder, time goes by but I don't feel any better. The memories of those nights are truly terrifying. I cope with them, and it is all I can do. How long will this flashback last, how long until this memory leaves? Is today going to be a good day? All these questions I ask because of someone else's decision to do something wrong. I won't ever know why they chose to do that. The pain inside feels like it won't leave. I have been anxious to hear from a detective, which hasn't happened. I don't want to wait another week before calling and asking what is going on.
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I finally reported. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt as though I was watching myself. The number of years I had longed to tell an officer my story and it was happening. I can't describe how it felt to tell another person, not my counselor, or you guys, or my support group. I hope for the best, and is the best being he is held accountable, yes. I fear nothing will come of it, and I will be heart broken. I read an entry this morning about apologies. Ever since that day, I no longer let that person have an impact on me. I no longer want to seek an apology that I will never get. I told when reporting if it did make it to a trial, I would be happy to sit in a room with him to be able to confront him, and ask why he could do such a thing, and lie year after year after year. If words could only express how my heart really feels. The saddness of knowing he thinks what he did is okay. I live with the fact that I did not give him consent, that is really what I want everyone to know. I did not willingly participate either night, and why was this able to happen. I can not question the past, I can only live and look forward to the future, but some days.....i'll tell ya. Looking at the bigger picture, are we specially picked for this kind of thing to happen. The individuals that know they were raped and assaulted, what a terrible thing. Then, to see the world depicting love and couples in love making love. While I struggle thinking of the disrespect done to me. I find most blogs and entries to be expressing the anger, pain, panic, hurt, we experience. Why should we be the ones experiencing those negative emotions, why not our attackers. I do not trust because of this, and I am not afraid to admit that. I do not push my internal anger towards others. I think I put myself in that situation, AND I didn't ask for it to happen. I do not blame myself, but then when we have moments of those memories approaching our minds, if we tell ourselves to not let him have control over how we are feeling today in this moment I then think if you had never been there what would life be like today. I hate thinking that way, why look back and think if this didn't happen where would I be? I find comfort in reading other entries. Before it seemed like no one I knew of went through something like me. Some days, I can read others stories and feel like I am not alone, which is a good feeling. And i want more of those less of the bad.
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Once this happened, I felt like a huge part of me was lost. A piece of me changed. I still feel like me but a piece of my happiness has been stolen. I've read other blogs saying I didn't deserve this, I deserve justice. I want so much for this feeling to go away, and does it take me reporting to do that? I have read articles of people saying it was the best thing they ever did. I never thought I'd need to report the awful thing that lingers in my thoughts day after day night after night. It is so horrible, I push it the back of my mind and pretend I've moved on. If I can't not think about it, do I live my life knowing I was wronged and that's just the way it is. I can't be silent, I can't not report--is the way I am feeling now. Why do I live feeling shameful for someone taking advantage of my body. I want to enjoy my life, but is what has happened supposed to stay with me. Survivor stories mean people move on not stay in this state of helplessness. I know many others have lived stories similar to mine and I find reassurance in the fact so many people have spoke. I think it is soon my time to speak up. I have gone through years of just being a victim, not standing up and saying this happened.
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