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Blog Entries posted by abhaya

  1. abhaya
    I only started signing on here and already this community means so much to me... each of your stories, your kind, funny, intelligent and courageous personalities that sparkle through the comments and posts offering courage, humor, compassion, creativity and hope. Already, being here has helped me feel so much less alone than I thought would ever happen, and it has stirred up a lot in me. Some of that has been really hard: I had one of the absolute worst flashbacks I have had in a decade, I have come to see how much I have been holding my memories and trauma locked beneath the surface to keep acting fine, I am starting to feel the edge of what feels like a deep and lifelong grief that I have kept away through numbness and disassociation... but I also think there has been a great deal of goodness in being stirred up like this too: I have been able to tell my story more completely than I had done before, I have shared with y’all parts of my trauma that I could never even acknowledge before, and I have been able to offer support, kindness and belief in you and your experiance in a way that I hope to be able to offer to myself someday. 
    But in the last couple days I notice I have so much less in me to say. I see your posts and I still send you all my care, my wish for your well being, my kindness and compassion has not diminished... just the words, its harder to put it down, perhaps I have run low on spoons. I think I am okay, I don’t mean to worry any of you, I am finding a way through the dark marshes... I just want you all to know that I am still here, still witnessing and caring about your hardships and pain, still cheering and celebrating your successes and strengths. Maybe I am turning inward to process, maybe I am shutting down a bit, I am not quite sure... but it still helps to see each of you, posting and commenting, I think through it I see you role modeling what it looks like to ask for support when things get tough. I am grateful for that as well, It is something I am trying to learn. Whether I have words or not, I plan to keep showing up, and I am sorry if I have less capacity right now but no matter what, I believe you, and I may do so quietly, but I am sitting with you in comfort and kindness.
  2. abhaya
    I am not knowing where to put this, so I thought I would just put it here... <shrug>
    I'm feeling a bit tender and emotionally sore this morning.  I pushed too hard yesterday, opened a door that had been well wedged closed because I so wanted to bring it to light, but then I had the worst flashback last night that I've had in years.  Most of my flashbacks these days are at worst like having a sort of double exposure, I'm here and now and the bad experience is overlaid on top, so it gets disorienting and scary but some part of my mind is aware that it isn't really happening again.  Last night I got stuck in the past, I really couldn't tell that I wasn't there/then, couldn't tell my husband what was happening because I couldn't tell that it WAS my husband with me.  I came up out of it slowly, not like when I have dream flashbacks and I get shocked awake, it was a slow process of verifying reality again.  Today I'm tired, and emotionally fragile and sore.  I don't regret trying to open up about the memories that were connected to the flashback, but I'm a little worried that there may be more flashbacks for a while... I am hoping not.  That one was really plenty for me. But now I know that it can happen again, I know that I may need to talk with my husband about it, and what to do if it happens.  I felt so bad after for scaring him. And I have to go to the doctor today, which always makes my anxiety worse... but hopefully the doctor will say that I can start to walk again, I am hoping for that and that if I can start to walk it may help me feel less vulnerable and on edge in general. 
    Well, that's it I guess.  Just wanted to notice what was happening.
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