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abhaya

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Everything posted by abhaya

  1. abhaya

    I Got Help

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and I'm so glad it was supportive for you.
  2. abhaya

    Just tired

    Thanks, @Capulet, that means a lot. I still check AS daily, even if I don’t have energy to post much.
  3. Today is the first anniversary of my father's death.  We had a difficult relationship at times, but he was a good person, and helped me become the person I am today. He was a firm believer in justice, the value of our shared humanity, and kindness --especially to children and animals. I miss him, and the world he believed in and tried to bring about.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, friends. 

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @abhayaI know this was a couple of days ago, but I wanted to make sure I expressed my condolences. :( I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you are faring well my friend ❤️❤️

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, everyone, for your kind words ❤️

  4. After all this time, just now starting to feel anger... not sure what to do with that.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      Yeah, I really don’t have a roadmap here, and I can tell I am only scratching the surface right now. Thank you for sitting with me. 

    3. 8888

      8888

      I agree with Field8 that anger is scary.  I don't have any suggestions but would be happy to sit with you as well.  

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, @8888, I appreciate the support.  I wrote about it a little in the venting section... It's not constant, but it is really scary to start to feel it, like some sort of monster of the depths just below the surface... so far I'm okay, just not sure I want to process this.  

  5. Just thinking how glad I am that I've found this community, and sort of amazed what an impact it's had over the last few weeks.  Thanks, friends. 

    1. snmls

      snmls

      I'm glad to hear that. This really is a wonderful community. 

  6. Grateful to be with a safe and caring partner now, celebrating 6 years since our wedding day.  🙂

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thank you friends! 

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      Happy Anniversary!! 🥳❤️

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Yay!  We ordered brunch delivery, watched a bunch of our favorite movies, reviewed our wedding photo album, and started imagining how we want to celebrate our tenth anniversary in a few years (travel overseas if that's possible by then).

  7. I wrote about my dental appointment yesterday, I know it's a lot of writing, but I could use a little support if folks would be willing to comment on it, please?

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      I don't mean to complain... I think I just feel so vulnerable sharing these things sometimes, and I know I write a LOT when I do... but then there's a part of me remembers what it was like to be invisible and I start to wonder if I've done something wrong or offended people....  I know that's not real, and that people here are good... but then I just feel so dang clingy and needy to want responses... <shrug> Anyway, I get myself all tangled and I know it's not necessary, just old programming... Thanks for listening and responding.

    3. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Your not complaining your reaching for support - a sign of fighting to heal. Im glad you are!

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks for the reframe, I've gotten pretty in my head about this one.  That's really helpful.

  8. Well, I'm still having pain a week later, so I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow.... plus they have to re-do the impressions which I find overwhelmingly triggering.  Not looking forward to it at all.

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      me too!

    3. Field8

      Field8

      How did it go?

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Hard. It was really hard. Thanks for checking in. 

  9. I haven’t met you yet, @Poppy_, but i have appreciated reading some of your posts and comments. Warm welcome on your return!
  10. Dentist appointment today, very triggered. Been struggling to be in  my body ever since. I am ok, and safe, but out of sorts. And very sore. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thank you dear friend, ❤️

    3. Field8

      Field8

      I hope that you start to feel better. Sitting with you passing the ice for your jaw/teeth

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, @Field8. I hate the whole process, even though my dentist is nice. Today i just couldn’t pull myself out of my body so it was really upsetting, even though i was trying hard to act like everything was “normal.” And the more distressed I got the more people started patting me and saying overly loudly and overly cheerfully “You’re doing great!!” 

  11. I started another thread, this one is what songs help you in your healing journey.  I hope you add to the thread because I'd love to have more songs to listen to!

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      it's in the creativity and healing part of the website.

  12. Hi and welcome, @Alfred, I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but glad that you've joined us! I hope you feel welcome and that you get lots of support, I've found it to be a really welcoming place. Glad to meet you!
  13. That's a really beautiful painting, @RubyRosie. I resonate with feeling really overwhelmed, and that sometimes it is the small things that pile up that really make me feel stuck and drained. Sending support and sitting with you, if ok?
  14. Just made a post on the creativity board inviting folks to post any piece of art you feel proud of, I hope folks check it out and add to it!

  15. Hi @Maryphanalia I love crafts too! Maybe if you feel comfortable, you might choose to post about some of your favorites, there's a forum for creativity here, and I love it when people post drawings and other fun stuff! I love crochet, drawing, hand lettering, and singing, myself (and probably a dozen more other things I experiment with from time to time). Welcome! I hope you and your friend find a comfortable supportive place here (I know I feel that way for sure). 🙂
  16. abhaya

    Just tired

    Thank you, friend. I really appreciate and value our friendship too, @Enigma87. ❤️
  17. abhaya

    Just tired

    Thank you both, @feralcat and @seong98. I appreciate your support and kindness. Yes, I have a therapist, though I only see her every other week due to costs. I will be seeing her on Monday, and I have a planned conversation with my primary care doc tomorrow am to talk about my mental health. Thanks for checking that I'm getting care. I think that I am experiencing a bit of overwhelm, and my capacity to bounce back is a little more limited than when I'm feeling balanced and healthy. I had an anxiety attack today at work (well remote work, so I was able to manage it at home) and I'm aw
  18. abhaya

    Just tired

    I only started signing on here and already this community means so much to me... each of your stories, your kind, funny, intelligent and courageous personalities that sparkle through the comments and posts offering courage, humor, compassion, creativity and hope. Already, being here has helped me feel so much less alone than I thought would ever happen, and it has stirred up a lot in me. Some of that has been really hard: I had one of the absolute worst flashbacks I have had in a decade, I have come to see how much I have been holding my memories and trauma locked beneath the surface to keep a
  19. abhaya

    pluses and minuses

    I am not knowing where to put this, so I thought I would just put it here... <shrug> I'm feeling a bit tender and emotionally sore this morning. I pushed too hard yesterday, opened a door that had been well wedged closed because I so wanted to bring it to light, but then I had the worst flashback last night that I've had in years. Most of my flashbacks these days are at worst like having a sort of double exposure, I'm here and now and the bad experience is overlaid on top, so it gets disorienting and scary but some part of my mind is aware that it isn't really happening again. La
  20. abhaya

    So Lost

    So sorry for the loss, and the grief that you feel. Grief can be hard when it comes with so much regret and painful memories. Sending you support, and sitting with you if you would like?
  21. "Just like the contrast between crazy and sanity, there is the contrast between intense, emotional connection and being alone. How do I maintain a sense of -being- through sexual intimacy and vulnerability, without becoming scared and paranoid that my personhood is being taken away from me. Every time I have a vulnerable emotion, a romantic moment, or really wonderful sex... I get the overwhelming fear that I am being taken advantage of and the wall is built back up again. Sometimes it makes me mean and cold or distant and away. How does everyone cope?" I don't have a good answer, but I k
  22. Hello @Shield.ugly, welcome to AS, I hope you will find it a supportive place for you. I'm sorry for what you have gone through that brought you here. Warmly, ~abhaya.
  23. I resonate with this a lot, @Enigma87, and I feel like i vacillate between wanting to scream my story over and over so that everyone will know about it and will hopefully tell me that I'm okay and things will be okay and I'm not the only person who ever felt this way.... and then feeling like I've said too much, I'm asking too much of everyone (especially the people who are offering support because they have problems too), and I just want to hide it all and pretend like nothing ever happened because it's probably all my fault and I was asking for it anyway... or just flat out numbness that mak
  24. I'm so sorry that you have carried the burden of feeling that you were to blame for so much bad treatment. I hope that you can see now that no matter what, you did not deserve what was done to you, @Enigma87. I don't have a lot of words this morning, but I am sitting with you, if that's ok. I know what it's like to feel like you're holding things together and crumbling beneath the surface, and the emotional cost of risking to share your story. I also hope that when you did share what was happening, people in your life supported you and offered kindness and compassion rather than judgement
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