Esmerelda Jones
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I've lost so much weight... And my face is pretty horrific right now. Trouble eating, trouble sleeping, constant fear and anxiety and sometimes full-blown panic over really small stuff. I'm scaring the people I love with this shit, and I don't know how to fix it. I want to runaway and get away from everyone just to protect them from myself. Always nervous... I'm losing it.
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It's hard to believe anything he says, considering everything he's said in the past was a lie. Gotta stay strong...
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Took him 20 days to contact me, apologize for everything, say he's found a job, and that he misses me... and it took me 20 days to feel nothing about what he tells me anymore at all.
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I wonder if Richard feels any guilt or remorse... I wonder if he feels anything at all, if he's capable of real emotions.
Why the hell can't I just stop wondering about Richard?
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I'm sorry you wonder, but know it's not that unusual to question. We often times are trying to comprehend what happened...why it happened. In doing that, it is natural to wonder about who hurt us. I wish tho, there was answers. I'm not sure of their "real" emotions, but I do their mentality is about selfishness and power. It was not right you were hurt. I'm sorry you are going thru this.
Sitting with you, if ok.
to you, if ok.
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Hard to get out of bed this morning, still really tired... My face in the mirror looks pretty hollow, and I'm afraid everyone's going to notice how exhausted I am on a daily basis. Just want to hide...
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I just had a strong urge to tell him about my day, about the therapy, about the pain... and to pray for him. Even went to his messages and was going to start conversation...
I need help with this. Is there anyone out there who can help me?
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I'm so tired... but every time I sleep I see his face and feel his warmth. And I wake up crying because my love was real, even though his never existed. I'm very sorry I fell this way, and I want it to be gone. I want the pain to be over... but I still want to dance in our apartment.
These feelings have me doubt my sanity, and it's really, really frightening.
