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About Kasx

  • Birthday September 15

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  1. I don't know how much more I will be able to take. I'm failing.

  2. graciouslotus88, Your kind and insightful words do mean a lot to me. Maybe it is time to reach out again for help. I have a problem with saying x,y,z and then getting the usual " it's not your fault, it was terrible what happened to you, ect." I find the hardest part of therapy being that my therapist can only be empathetic. I think that's why I come here. This bond we share is tragic, but knowing that others, unfortunately, have similar experiences does bring some comfort to me. I am a very peaceful person so the fact that this anger emerges without warning makes me feel out of control and out of character. I try to think about the fact that I was fortunate to escape disease and pregnancy. I also feel so much guilt for not reporting it. If I found out that this happened to another at their hands because I shirked my responsibility I would never,ever forgive myself.
  3. I am not doing well today. I feel like I don't owe my past any recognition, but the past few days I am letting it consume me.

  4. I'm new at this so I don't know if anything I say will upset people. Please be warned even though this isn't graphic and primarily a rant you Could become upset. Anyway I am so sick of feeling humiliated and pretending I am ok. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but the fact is I am fine for months even years, but then, something destroys me again. A book I read, sex with my husband, something on tv, any little deviation in the plan where I might not have total control can send me spinning for weeks. That is where I am now and it sucks. It tests the strength of my marriage. I can't go to my husband and say, remember when those guys attacked me? I need to talk about it AGAIN! Therapist have let me go because it was an epic waste of time. I just can't articulate every single detail that happened and I can remember them all. Who wants to be burdened with that knowledge? I don't. What is someone supposed to say? Honestly I just want them to listen and maybe hug me. But who do you tell that you were raped over and over every single way for hours. Do you tell them how you were so battered you peed all over the floor and it burned all your open wounds ? Because deep down I really don't think anyone truly cares to know the details and that's why we're all so ashamed. We carry this burden that not only inconveniences us, but our relationships. My husband just went to bed and didn't kiss me goodnight. I feel even shittier. I tried to tell him how when we had sex the other night I needed more care and not just a fun fuck like he wanted. He should not have to walk on eggshells, but neither should I. There is no point to this all, I guess. It's just a rant.
  5. I feel so guilty because I never reported the and potentially set them loose on another woman.

  6. I need to tell my story. I need to know how. The place where I thought I would says I need a password.
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