trigger warning Painful New Memory
TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD.
EMDR is rough.
At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t think he w—
As I was writing that sentence, I remembered the part I wasn’t clear on. I knew he tried to penetrate me, but I couldn’t remember if he was successful. Now I remember. He wasn’t. But I do remember the whole situation in more detail now. I actually remember him rubbing his privates against mine and trying to put it in.
So, we started with that event. While I was processing that, I was having a lot of other images starting to pop up of other things that happened with him. I remember him asking me all the time to pull down my pants for him. He would beg me until I did it. One time… he made me get into a trash can with him. One of those big ones you take to the curb once a week.
The next part I remembered was a new memory. At the end of a set, I had this memory of him bending me over so I was facing away from him and I was holding myself up with my arms. We were in my playhouse in my backyard. Right when I had the image of being bent over, the set was done so I stopped. My first thought was that I couldn’t be remembering it properly because it’s not like he was going to fuck me from behind. So, I told K that I had an image come up, but I didn’t know if it was real or not. She told me to just go with it on the next set… so, I did. And I remembered what actually happened. He bent me over and put his fingers inside. And I remember it hurting.
After that, I was really overwhelmed. The next set, I only remember the body sensations I was feeling. We stopped there. It was a LOT to process. And now… I’m just feeling kind of… scared? Almost like I feel like that little girl again. I feel like I am 6 years old, but then I kind of come back to reality. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. It feels so real now. Sometimes it’s like a movie, other times, it’s like it’s happening to me now.
I’m fighting every urge to hurt myself or just run like hell in the opposite direction. I know I need to do this, but it’s so hard. I’m just glad I have support through this.
- An excerpt from my journal (with a few edits for privacy and to make the flow easier to read).
Edited by Poppy_
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