Second Entry In Here...
Entry posted by hope2013 ·
926 views
So I'm not really familiar with blogging, or adding posts within blogs, etc. Who sees these? Where do they show up? How do I find others like me? It's all just a bit fuzzy to me when it comes to something just as simple as a message forum. I guess really I'm going to use this site, and more specifically my personal blogs as my unfiltered journals. I get to remain anonymous, the thoughts don't have to take up all of the space in my head and maybe I can get some advice or relate to others in return. That's what's nice about this. I can say whatever I'm feeling and I can be heard without being seen. For once, that's a nice thing to have.
How am I feeling... well my date rape occurred in the early morning hours of February 27th 2013. In my previous post, I go over all details I remember, so I don't need to reiterate them to myself, or to whomever actually reads these things.
I find myself feeling very strangely about the whole situation lately. Some days, I can be just fine and it's almost as if things are semi normal. Others, I find myself waking up terrified and needing to take more of my anti anxiety medication. I already have a pre existing anxiety disorder that I take medication for. I never self medicate so I feel numb or do anything, it's just that lately, it takes more to get me to a level where I can even function without being jittery or wanting to cry or run away.
I have vivid emotional flashbacks sporadically sometimes. I feel the anxiety crawling in and it's like i feel it growing stronger until it reaches my heart and it starts pounding and I get queasy and I just want to evaporate out of this world or out of my body that causes me so much pain and stress. I want to feel in control of my body and in control of my mind. I saw a counselor, whom said that all of my reactions are perfectly normal and he was actually extremely surprised that I could discuss my incident without breaking down and I had a positive outlook. Of course I have a positive outlook. What is laying in bed crying about what happened to me going to do? Nothing. It's going to bring me down and everyone I love down. Just because a man took advantage of me, doesn't mean they all will. I've had my heart broken. Shattered in fact, into a million pieces and had almost a psychotic break from it all. But I still knew, logically, that just because he hurt me and treated me wrong, didn't mean that every man would. I don't want anyone that reads this to ever be afraid of whatever gender that hurt them was. Not everyone is evil. It's so hard to see that with all the evil around us and honestly with all the things I've experienced. But, I KNOW that if my life is this tough at such a young age, that I have to be rewarded with a loving life in the end. At least that's what I tell myself to get through all of this shit at only 19.
My counselor wants me to start psychotherapy so that we can control when these flashbacks happen. Meaning when they happen, I can control them into memories and not have it make me so frozen and ill. He gave me tactics which semi help actually. One- think of an event or image of something that truly brought you joy or you thought was beautiful. My niece laughing asking for me to wrestle with her or the image of my mother smiling at me. Things like that bring me a slight inner peace when I feel all of the dark rising up. Another is to actually distract yourself. The memories come back- start counting all of the blue things in the room. Actually force your mind to be distracted. Don't lock yourself up in your room and draw back from the world. The world is going to keep going on whether you're ready or not. It's tough and I know it fucking sucks, but it's true. Nothing is going to stop because I was raped. I still have to finish college, I still have to be an active participant in society. I can't withdraw and become some self loathing hermit. I will NEVER let what happened to me control my life. In fact, because of it, I am choosing to throw myself in the direction of ME. I am going to focus on improving everything about me. I don't like the way my body is, so I'm joining classes at my university's gym and eating healthier. I want to get more in touch with my spiritual side, so I'm looking into different religions I like. I want to feel loved and be loved again, so I'm going out with friends and forcing myself to meet new people. I don't avoid what happened to me, I just wait to deal with it until I'm alone and have the time to. Sometimes, I obviously can't control it, but I don't let it ruin me. I won't let anything in life ruin me. I've never TRULY understood the whole "you don't know how strong you can be until it's all you have left to be" bullshit, but damn it's so true. I have nothing left in my soul of emotions I feel like. I know my only option is to be strong. If I don't stay strong, I'll be crushed underneath the weight of the world that sits on my shoulders. I'm not dead, so I'm not going to stop my life just because I was raped. I need self empowerment. Get into shape, find myself as a person, get active in helping others more, voice my beliefs and stick up for them along with getting involved in helping other people who have been hurt like me.
I want to be able to go to bed at night with a smile on my face or at least release a huge sigh like, ok, the day is over. Tomorrow will be better. I won't wake up with the rock in my chest. But mornings are the hardest for me. I don't know why really. I've noticed that instead of focusing on my rape, I get myself upset over other things just because it can take my pain somewhere else. I go straight to my ex boyfriend. We dated for almost 5 years and broke up, tried to do long distance, then he gets a new girlfriend. Essentially, I was strung along until I was replaced. It devastated me and I obsess over that sometimes still so it distracts me from the rape thoughts. I don't know why I do stupid shit like that, but hey, sometimes your brain is pretty damn mean to you.
I really really hope that I stay on this health kick and get my ass into gear. I know if I'm in good shape, I'll feel more confident and feel better since I am healthier. I've always had self image issues, so this could be one thing at least that I can change and control.
I don't know if anyone reads this, but I've found myself scared of looking good. I don't want to look like a bum, because I love to dress nice, and well, I don't put a whole lot of effort into my appearance, but I like to look nice. I noticed that I'll look in the mirror, and think... I look too good. Well, I don't want to attract attention. I want to be appreciated by a man and loved by a man again, but I'm scared of the bad ones. It's lame. No, nothing I think is lame. I have to remind myself that all of the time. Like everyone says, nothing you think is dumb or stupid. Especially in these situations.
I worry about my mom and my friends. I worry they won't heal like I will. Friends, yes, I know they'll be ok. My mom, she seems okay now, but I know it's killing her. I know if I was there and this happened it'd kill her and my step dad would probably kill the man that raped me. But, that's not the case, so no point in circling around the what if's. What happened, happened. That everything happens for a reason, is BULLSHIT. People who say that never had tragedy in their life. because these things don't happen for any reason other than people do evil things. It happens soon.
Well, I guess my brain is emptied now.
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