Its been a long time since someone molested me last, I was 16 years, the last time I woke up with him touching me. Just writing this down makes me nauseous.

As far back as I can remember I was always molested by someone in my family, I really don't remember the first time it happened and who it was so, it makes me sick to think that I could have been 3,4,5,6 years old when they first started touching me and I don't know. I remember one of my brothers the first time he touch me, I was probably 7 years old or less, I really don't remember, its like my past comes to me in bits and pieces. Anyway, I didn't feel right about it but he told me that he touched me like that before he loved me more then my other brothers and that what brothers and sisters do when they love each other but, not to tell anyone or my mom would get mad that he preferred me over my sister so, being a KID I felt special and never told anyone. As I got older, he touched me more and made me touch him which I hated.

Since this to me was a "NORMAL" thing kids do when they love each other, I let one of my other brothers touch me as well and didn't tell no one and, after that it was a cousin ( male) and then 3 female cousins after that. At one point they were all molesting me at the same time in my life and I never told anyone, to me even though I didn't like it, a little attention was better then no attention at all "that's what I thought" until, I started high school and started talking to a friend about boy friends etc.. she told me that her brother molested her and she couldn't deal with it...without telling her, I realized that what my brother and cousins were doing to me was not ok, its not because I was special.... I started avoiding my cousins with success but, I couldn't avoid my brother, I remember being 13years old and him making it a game of catch to take me to his room, I was so mad and afraid at the same time that he would catch but, all he did was laugh and say "I'm going to catch you" as if it was an innocent game of hide and seek. I remember hating my mom for not being there and my sister for ignore me as I screamed for him to leave me alone, I felt so alone, thank god for my grandma, I would hide in her room because I knew it was a place no one would go into, I would go there whenever I could but she would lock her door when she would go out so I was stuck again running from him, I even hide in the attic at times...I remember being so afraid of the dark but I would rather be there then to let him catch me.

Today, I am a grown woman with allot of anxiety issues, I have to take medications to be able to do my day to day life and the worst thing is that I still see him, he comes over to my house and my moms house. This year, he asked me to forgive him for what he did, and he told me he would never forgive himself for it. I think I forgave him a long time ago because when I think of him or see him, I feel nothing but petty, he is a miserable person and an alcoholic, he has lost his wife and kids and has slept in junk yards and park benches, he is receiving all that he planted years ago. So, I don't hate him but, what he and the others did to me has scared me so deep that it affects my life in every level. I don't trust anyone, I always think that if a man is being nice to me he wants something in return, I cant stop in one job, every time I find a job that I like I manage to lose it "ALWAYS!!" sometimes I think that subconsciously I don't think I deserve anything good, that's why I manage to always lose what I love, I drive people away because of how controlling I am.

I want to stop this, I want to be "NORMAL" and most of all I want to find PEACE.