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Zero to One

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Return to Reality

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Trigger. Contains reference to sex (but only in a positive way).
Looking back I was in so much pain. I could hold it together for only a few hours each day before breaking down. And nothing I could do, nothing could make me better. I stayed awake for hours because I was too scared to sleep. But then after sleep was like "waking from Nightmares only to realise the real world is no better." Thanks to Susanne Collins for that Phrase.
Day after day I fell apart. I didn't know what had happened and I still couldn't comprehend the evil he had done. His words didn't yet feel poisonous and his lies were still truth to me. I latched onto one of his Phrases: "survive in the lifeboat". Somehow I found a way; I found my own lifeboat. I dismantled myself and packaged the pieces; I packed them into little boxes all neatly stowed under the seats of my lifeboat.  This felt peaceful.
After doing this I no-longer felt like I was seeing the world through my own eyes. I experienced the world through recent memories, but always stayed detached in my own separate world. I regret this now, but then, did I really have a choice? The real world was pain. When friends tried to make me engage with the world it felt like they were attacking me, making me hurt.  Anything and anyone who dragged me back into the world became an enemy.  I grew distant from my parents and family.  I made friends with those who were just as distant as I was.
This got me through life in a way. I scraped through university but even then fell apart at the end when, having found a girl who loved me, I began to be sucked out of my dream land and back to the real world. I fell apart again and nearly failed my degree. That felt important so I went back to my own world, let the relationship fall apart, and completed my degree.
So here I am; It's now fifteen years later and I'm looking back. A few years ago my dream world fell apart.  The real world broke through and the dream was gone for good. I've spent nearly two years unpacking "boxes" and piecing everything back together. Times when I meet old friends from that time are strange. Pieces-of-me still think I only saw these friends six months ago. How do I explain how important they had been to me?  They were important at the time. And how do I explain why I'm only just feeling this now?
I'm now in a relationship. No wait. I'm now engaged to be married in a few months. I've had sex with my fiancé. And in the weeks just gone I've had sex while still completely grounded.  That is, the last part of me is now restored.  I'm whole.  Completely whole.  In counselling yesterday I realised this is the first time for me to be totally grounded while being sexually active since right before the abuse. I remember now just how powerful that had been with V. Every sound, sent and touch connected right to my consciousness. Nothing to be afraid of and nothing to hurt me.
I loved V more than I can put into words. Those times with her were special to me. Nothing that happens now will ever overwrite that. And now my life can finally be fulfilled in that way with (and more) with someone I love as much and much more. This is where I finally can leave the memory of V behind. In that room, and in those happy memories. I hope V has found piece as I have.
And J. I love you. I can't tell you how happy you have made me. I can't put into words how excited I am to be your husband.
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