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TW - Struggling in the sand



This time around things have been so much different. My abuser just went back to prison and I played a part (a very small part) in helping to see that he stays there for a very long time. I have always felt better, safer, something when he was locked up before. I would even write to him in prison, mostly so I would know where he was and if he was coming up for another parole hearing. It has been almost a year since he was arrested and sent to jail to await trial. It has been over a month since he was sentenced. I know where he is, even without having to write to him. But the peace isn't coming this time. I keep waiting to start feeling safer again and it just isn't coming. I don't know if it is because I actually spoke out against him during his trial or if it is because I have to talk/write with him since my father died earlier this year and I have to finish settling his estate. 

In all these years, the abuse started 31 years ago and lasted for four years, I only ever tried to speak out about the abuse one time. That was about a year after it started and I wasn't believed. I told a staff member at school and they called my mother. She didn't believe me and when I couldn't explain what he was doing well enough (did I mention he was standing right there smirking at me the whole time?), she made me apologize to him for telling lies about him. The abuse got worse after that and the threats started. I actually just talked about this a couple of months ago with my mom for the first time since it happened. She says she doesn't remember any of it. Not the school calling her, not her accusing me of lying, not finding his underwear in my doorway 2 years later - none of it. I don't know if I believe her or what the deal is anymore. 

I just sent a letter to my abuser earlier this week about my father's estate. I had gotten a letter from my abuser over the weekend about the estate and he was trying to control me and convince me of things I knew weren't true. I actually stood up to him in the letter I wrote back. I wonder if that is making all of this worse?

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TRIGGER WARNING - Standing up to him is the thing they don't expect.  It is hard to feel right about that sort of power but to me it is just that power.  It is reclaimed power in that fear doesn't get to keep running things.  My abusers didn't see prison.  Actually their lives are going quite well.  Standing up to him, in your case,  is actually a good thing.  You knocked it out of the park, Angelinas.  I have found for myself that standing up to them for whatever the reason was both liberating and empowering.  It feels strange when you stand up to them because that is not what you are used to doing.  I could understand where you were coming from because in my case, I told my stepfather.  His reply to that was I was a list of undesirable names.  He then threatened to tell my mother on me.  He let me sweat that out until it was close to her coming home from work.  He decided to show "mercy" and not say anything at all.  Standing up to people like that is hard sometimes.  It changes how you see them and it changes how you interact with them.  You have the right to be happy.  You have the right to be respected and you have the right to enjoy life.  No one has the right to walk on you, mistreat you or hurt you.   

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