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About this blog

My story, struggles, and frusterations

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carebears8889

I was 7 when my mom and I went to Texas to meet the man she was talking to online. He was a potential father to fill the void left by the man who I had never met. I liked him at first until he came home with us. It started off innocent enough while he was unpacking his things his hand brushed against my crotch and being the child I was I said something. I was informed that I was mistaken and that it was a serious accusation and it would send him to jail and did I want him to go to jail by my mother. Having gone without a father that was the last thing I wanted little did I know twenty years later I would be wishing it had been different. He was a very confusing man to me. When I would go to bed he would tell me stories while he touched me but if I were to go to bed naked I was chastised. At first he would do most of his touching when my mom was at work but as the years went on he got cocky and would even do it while she was home sleeping. It was a rush and I liked it but I also felt guilty that I liked the rush. When digital cameras came out he used to take pictures and videos of me or hook the camera up to the television and zoom in on my naked body. When he wasn't touching me he was mentaly, emotially, and physically abusive. I tried to tell my mom for years about what was going on but her response was simply to stay away from him. I learned she thought he was just hitting me. It ended and he left the house in March of 2001 I was a month away from being 12. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life. My baby sister who was 2 had gotten into the fridge and dummped the 3rd gallon of milk that week all over the kitchen floor. I didn't know what to do so I went to him for help and his response was to take her beat her from her neck to her heals, turn her upside down and pound her head into the floor 3 times and repeat. He did this about 3 to 4 times while I stood there frozen not sure what to do. He then put her down got ready for work and left. On his way out I yelled at him that he could have caused brain damage to which he replied that he didn't care. I went and took care of her and calmed her down and swore that as soon as my mom got home she would know what he had done to her. In that moment I only cared about my little sisters safety and I didn't care about myself he just needed to be gone. When my mom asked me if he had touched me I lied at first and told her no. I then went to my room and looked up abuse in my devotional and it was a sexual abuse story. It was then that I knew I had to come clean about what had conspired the past few years. I was taken out of school. My mom was going to send me and my sisters to his sister in Colorado so she could focus on helping him. That plan lasted all of a week before I was back in school. I had confieded in a foster girl who lived down the road from me about what was going on. I found out later she told my whole bus what happened and they didn't believe her. At first I only told those closest to me what happened but as I have gotten older I have been more open about it. I feel that if I'm open about my story others will find the courage to speak up too. He was sentenced to prison for 20 years that October. He was released on Parole May 10, 2016 since then I haven't been hungry or tired only eating because I know I need to and attempting to sleep becasue I know I need sleep but it is not restful. While he was in prison he wrote letters to my mother and then my baby sister when she was old enough to know the truth about how I was an equal participant. He would say that I asked for it because I would run around the house topless. Or becasue I wanted to bathe in the master bathroom or sleep in my mother's bed. He accused me of seducing him. We told the parole board these things and they still let him out. My mother believes that I was a crime of convience. I was molested simply because I was there. I know he is messed up and I did nothing wrong but sometimes I find myself feeling guilty because I enjoyed the sneaking around and attention and I second guess myself wondering if his letters are telling the truth I don't want to admit to.

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