oldscarnewpain

I've created this place, the safe place in his arms. He makes me feel secure and strong again, like a rejuvenation source when my energy is down. I suddenly realised today how incredibly unhealthy this is, and it saddens me that I can't continue to feel this way. It's unfair of me to rely on him to bring me back to happiness. He doesn't deserve the responsibility of keeping me happy. He deserves someone that is self sufficient enough to live her own fucking life without having a mental break down. We have something really great, but i'm not mentally healthy enough to be in a co-dependent relat

There was a time when i was 12, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom wishing that I was grown up. I was closing my eyes so tight as if I was trying to force a memory out of my head. I don't know what I was doing, but every now and again I get the same feeling. And i do the same stupid thing where I close my eyes really tight and try and force the feeling out of my throat, or memory out of my head again. It works for a second, long enough to change my thought patterns onto something else.

I'm trying to write again in hope that it will unhinge something about myself that I haven't understood before. I was raped as a child, as a teenager and as a woman. There were things that happened to me that I don't understand the effects of just yet, but I hope that on this long overdue journey of recovery I will begin to understand, accept and move forward in one piece/peace. I am in a relationship now, he is a wonderful man with his own demons that he is battling. I have a 3 year old son from another relationship. It is the love that I have for these two boys that make me want to be bette