I'm trying to write again in hope that it will unhinge something about myself that I haven't understood before. I was raped as a child, as a teenager and as a woman. There were things that happened to me that I don't understand the effects of just yet, but I hope that on this long overdue journey of recovery I will begin to understand, accept and move forward in one piece/peace. I am in a relationship now, he is a wonderful man with his own demons that he is battling. I have a 3 year old son from another relationship. It is the love that I have for these two boys that make me want to be better, I want to love them both and be loved at the highest capacity that my mind is capable. Not only because it is what they deserve but because it is what I deserve. There is a place in my mind that I go to, the hurt that travels from my stomach to my throat, then to my stomach, then to my throat again. Many of you know this place all too well. It's where we go when we are exposed to vulnerable situations, when we are triggered. A place that I go to far to easily. It is a security blanket of guilt and memories that although is the bane of my existence, I use as an excuse not to live my life. Fortunately I have learnt how to remove myself from this place. Somedays it harder than others, somedays it's only momentary. What I aim to eventually do is to never feel the need to go to this place again. Although its hard to admit what I'm about to say, but I really do need this place. I need it to hide behind every bad decision that I've made, to not be accountable for my sadness today. It has been 13 years. I was robbed of many things, but I will not rob myself of the happiness that I can feel today.