My Story Unfolding.

[SoulaKai]

Hello, I'm new here. I have seen the site a couple of times, but i hadn't actually signed on or gotten a really good look until very recently. I'm a 25 year old from the midwest, and i moved to The east coast when i was 18. I went to a military housing unit, with a new "friend" and since my car wasn't decal'd i couldn't bring it onto the base, so my friend and a friend of hers ended up driving me on to the base. When we were at his place, he introduced her to another man, and so she (the new "friend") hooked up with a roommate right in front of me. I was uncomfortable and wanted to get out of there but i've had a problem with detaching since i was younger. basically while they were doing their thing, this other guy started touching me and i told him no several times. He was quite a bit stronger then i was, and he wasn't exactly violent about it, but i tried to shove his hands off a couple of time. He ended up getting his way, i just layed there. I remember just staring off into space, hopeless, waiting for it to be over. The thing i never got over though, was how he kept whispering to me, "I'll take care of you forever." Then afterwards, i must have looked as upset as i felt because the friend who had come with me asked me what was up and so i didn't say anything.

The guy who took advantage of me ended up saying, "She's probably just shell shocked." And proceeded to make some comments on how big and endowed he was. She came to me and sat with me while they left the room and i told her what had happened and when the guys came back in, she confronted them. He laughed in my face and said I was stupid. That he was "Big" and had only gotten "so far" in and that i was being dramatic but he knew i enjoyed myself.

After that happened, i shut off, basically and tried not to talk to anyone about it, but i talked to my sister in law about it. She held me and i cried for a while then she told me to "ask God for forgiveness," and he would make me pure again. I told her i didn't need to be forgiven because i didn't want it to happen. She then told me that i had put myself in that situation, that i should have walked since my car hadn't been there, that there were ways for me to get out before that had happened. I also asked her not to tell anyone, but she immediately told my brother who made a huge deal about it and wanted me to turn him in. I told him no and he told me to think about the other women who this could happen to if i didn't do something. I never did anything about it and sometimes i still feel guilt over that.

I also started having...other memories come up. bit by bit. I saw a man's face on the sex registry for my homestate and memories flooded back after they started coming up right after the incident on the military base. I had been sexually abused as a child and hadn't remembered it until that.

I guess i just don't know how to deal with it. Or if i have dealt with it. I don't feel numb. I don't feel peace. I don't feel angry or sad or betrayed or scared or depressed or anything. That's the real problem. I DON'T feel anything. I'm so detached it's like it happened to someone on television and i had seen it there or something. Both times have not been dealt with.

I'm married now, and i still have problems involving intimacy. I can only be intimate a few times a month if we are both lucky, and i just sort of tune out when it happens. I get really emotional afterwards with no reasoning and I don't trust people physically, or emotionally. I push people away. Not just my husband but family, and friends as well.

Sorry this was a hefty post, more like a novel, i guess i just wanted to finally get this out. I haven't really told my story but to a few VERY close people, but i know this may become a safe haven for my emotions as you have all been where i am. Thanks for listening.

[janep]

Hey soulakia, you are so brave for sharing your story, I am so very sorry for what you went through. He was scum! You are very brave for coming to AS! If there's any time you need to talk to someone you know where I am.

((Janep))

[trauma6685]

Welcome

SoulaKai, you have so much courage to post your story. = )

[NatOFarrell07]

Welcome to AS

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

i hope you find this site to be helpful.

Very nice to meet you.

Found

[Tangle]

Welcome SoulaKai,

I'm new too, and am impressed by your eloquent account! I dissociate with intimacy too, and think your succeeding with intimacy "a few times a month" is really good! I have never managed to stay emotionally involved through an entire encounter, but am glad to know you have sometimes overcome the distancing feeling. This is where I inevitably lost my therapists (that got as far as sex) - they either dismissed the problem because I lack impulsivity or strong emotional flashbacks, or made me feel guilty that I can't find "repressed" anger or fear for them to analyze. It is so validating for me to see you describe your detachment as just detachment (not denial) and to see you approach it as a problem to be solved... So sorry you experience it, but so glad you are able to share occasional successes!

[~FOUND~]

I hope you have been doing well.

Found