Introduction -what Happened To Me

[dannyisafish]

Hi you all. i'm a 31 year old art+music teacher from south florida and i just joined here mostly because its weird or difficult to talk to people who dont understand where i'm at in my head with all of this sh*t.

im a recovering heroin addict on suboxone-a drug that curbs opiate cravings for heroin which i was addicted to for 10 years. (started taking it at 20, am now 31 and clean for about a little over a year) anyhow,

a few years ago, back from mid to late 2007 when i was still very much an addict my drug-dealer - "M"who was also sort of a friend/acquaintance from college- took advantage of me. ive known that "M" has i had had something of a 'crush' on me for years and i had also heard multiple stories from other people including another friend that he had gotten them drunk and she woke up with him touching her and booked it out of there before anything else could happen- but i was never one to listen to rumors, i give people the benefit of the doubt, and inspite of the longstanding joke that M would excl.gif "F*ck anything with a pulse" excl.gif in all honesty i didnt think that he was capable of that kind of behavior.

so anyway, one night i was in severe withdrawal and i showed up at his house in the middle of the night. i didnt have money on me but that was never a problem in the past- i typically paid him back later and he often gave me drugs for free or 'on credit'-i still dont know why he chose that night- if there was some spark of something in me that told him i was desperate enough to go along with it or what- but he decided to be evasive and hold out on me and then told me if i really wanted the heroin that id let him sleep with me because "its a wiin-win- we both get something we want." not going to go into details here but ..... dangling a bag of heroin over a junkies head if you want them to do something theyre NOT into at all.. has a pretty good success rate. so i did it. i let him do what he wanted to me while i was shaking and shivering and nearly nauseated with withdrawal and when he was done i shot up and went to sleep. afterwards, he realized he could get what he wanted pretty easily that way and tried to ask me to do it again. i wouldnt and started using another dealer for a while until dealer#2 left town. first time i went back to "M" he didnt ask me outright. he claimed he wanted a truce and then laced my heroin with zolpidem- a powerful sleeping pill that he KNOWS has put me in a dissociative and hallucinogenic state. i was awake but not really. kept drifting out and coming back at random intervals and was pretty much powerless to stop his actions because things kept progressing before i was even aware of my own existence. i really still dont know anything more than flashes of that night but ... what few flashes there are are unpleasant. i'd like to say after this i had enough sense to never talk to the guy again or turn him in or do SOEMTHING about it but i didnt. i went back again and again because he had the drugs. it didnt happen every time, but it happened enough.

the thing is, for the most part, i'm not sure if i can even -really- call it rape or if i even have the right to be upset about it. i brought the whole thing upon myself. i didnt have to agree to it the first time and i didnt have to go back. nobody was forcing me to bend over and take it and yet i still did. i could have quit the drugs- SHOULD have quit the drugs- and now that i AM off the drugs i both regret not doing it sooner and yet still often wish i could still be as numb to it all as i was then. the whole time i could operate under a layer of disconnected numbness because the heroin put up a wall of clouds to cushion me from my own reality of what was happening. then

a year and a half ago "M" called me up and told me he had AIDS. i put off getting tested because i knew there was pretty much no way around me having it. i'm not that lucky. eventually i got tested - tested positive for HIV- and ...was upset but not as much as i should have been. i'm realizing now.... i moved home and got clean- and only now that the cloud is gone am i realizing how thoroughly screwed i am. a mutual friend/bandmate mine + M's recently died and "M" called to tell me the details of the funeral/wake/etc. i broke down. and it wasnt only because of the friend but because i was even still TALKING to this guy- this guy who manipulated me into giving up a nice big chunk of my dignity and probably stole 10-20 years off of my life all in one shot. and thats when i joined- the other night- after breaking down to a point where i was so upset my stomach was shaking and i had to vomit.

and STILL i just wonder if i even have the right to be upset. i tell people i got the HIV from sharing needles (which ive only done ONCE in my life) because to me getting it from drugs directly is that much less degrading than admitting that the NEED for drugs caused me to become THAT desperate that i would sleep with such a scumbag (or let a scumbag sleep with me... i wasnt exactly a willing or active participant) the whole thing could have been avoided... is it really M's fault that -i- was a pathetic enough and addicted enough to throw my dignity down the garbage disposal... who knows.

anyway, thankyouall for listening and lending an ear to a guy who's... fairly confused and majorly screwed up.

-Danny Fish

[nothingsweet]

Danny Fish

[phoenixgirl]

Welcome to After Silence.

I applaud your courage for sharing your story.

I have a couple of friends who are living with HIV, so I have some understanding of that struggle...

I'm sorry you have had to go through this.

[Shido]

Danny--trading sexual favors for heroine is not what I would strictly call 'rape'. It is horribly unfortunate to be in that position. You were indeed violated. But you consented. Sober.

However, when he laced your heroine, that is rape. Was is a bad idea to go to him for drugs? Of course. But you already know that. Did he take full advantage of the situation? Yes. He used your addiction and an intoxicating cocktail to do whatever he wanted to you. That is indeed sexual abuse.

[dannyisafish]

Danny--trading sexual favors for heroine is not what I would strictly call 'rape'. It is horribly unfortunate to be in that position. You were indeed violated. But you consented. Sober.

However, when he laced your heroine, that is rape. Was is a bad idea to go to him for drugs? Of course. But you already know that. Did he take full advantage of the situation? Yes. He used your addiction and an intoxicating cocktail to do whatever he wanted to you. That is indeed sexual abuse.

thanks. yea exactly that was kind of my point too- that for the most part it was just being hardcore manipulated, and the one time that he really DID step over the line w/o consent i ... was so blitzed i can barely remember anything more than 2-sec. image-flashes that fit together into a puzzle of maybe 10 minutes span of time out of a hours-long night.

i guess it should be comforting that i 'consented' but to me it makes me feel that much worse that i not only allowed it but AGREED to it. the dare program should print my face up on posters as a warning sign hehh, so glad i'm done with something that has the power to make me throw myself away. if i was raped by anyone it was the drug

[corvidae]

I would say - from your descriptions - that the first time was coercion, and all the following times were rapes because you did not consent, or were not in a position to consent. There is a 'Sexually Assaulted While Drugged' thread on here where people can support each other in healing from this - http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=58658 . I really hear that you feel ashamed of your addiction, but you did not agree to be raped. It's heartrending that this man also infected you with HIV. You do have a right to feel angry towards him, and it might help to get in touch with that anger. I think anger can protect people from further harm, and help relase some of the misplaced shame.

It is not your fault. You didn't ask to be violated that way. That shame is not yours to carry.

Edited February 7, 2011 by corvidae

[whimsical1]

welcome to after-silence.

[sunshinee]

Hi Danny,

Welcome to Aftersilence. That's cool that you are a music teacher! I will be one in two years!

Second, I wanted to address your post. When he put you under the influence of drugs - it wasn't your fault what he did...

If you look at it this way- he KNEW you didn't want too that's why he went to the extent where you couldn't say yes or no. That clearly is rape.

Mandy