Hi, I'm New

[greenearth88]

Hi,

I'm a survivor of sexual assault. I've never really thought of what happened as sexual assault, at least not consciously. It's been in the back of my mind since it happened. When I was twelve (6.5 years ago), I was playing a game of truth or dare with two of my friends at the time. The game ended with both of them sitting on top me and one of the two with his hands down my pants.

I have avoided at all costs believing that I was a victim of sexual assault. This weekend I am doing a training on how to work a sexual assault hot line. It really finally sunk in when I was listening to several survivors telling their stories. I am a survivor.

At first after it happened I believed that it was my fault, that I could have fought back more. Then, I began to believe what those two people said about me. They called me a sl*t, said I was easy. I was twelve. I said no, but because I wasn't raped I didn't believe that what had happened was very bad or wrong. I've only told one other person about this. After she told me her story, I finally felt like I could tell some one. I felt for the first time that what happened to me was NOT okay.

This was six-and-a-half years ago, I still think about it. Today was the first time I ever let myself cry.

Thank you.

Edited September 23, 2007 by greenearth88

[MamaL]

Hello and welcome You shared so much when you said about ...to avoid being a victim. We have a non talk about our situation often because any actual talk is realization outloud and "not me not me" so very comforting. Wanting to believe it was a mistake or an error, I think, is easier for me to accept than my participation or my consent was never the goal for the attacker(s). That this action was delibrate and chosen on purpose still just confuses me and I search for why would any of my pain, fear, etc ever be your goal? Rapists use humiliation because they feel that helpless useless way inside themselves and want an external acknowledgment that someone else feels/ (made to feel) in a trying to escape their own pain by others tears way - that is my best guess so far. Thank you again for sharing with me, my best to you.

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor and was sexually assaulted eleven years ago as well. I denied that I what happened to me was an assault until recently. It took me aback when I realized that I had no control in the situation...even though I thought I might have.

Good to have you at AS. I hope you find love, support, and better understanding of yourself through your time here.

Lyn