[I Can't Right Now but Maybe Someday]

Hello, @Mission.

I'm so sorry you have been harmed, and for the impacts to your life and well-being. I'm glad you found your way here.  It seems like some of the others have said most of the things I would like to - but mostly I just want to reinforce that this is a safe place to be as you are. Whether you want to talk about it, or not talk about it, all of us here have compassion because we, too, have had brutal experiences. 

I wish you blessings, comfort, support, safety and recovery.

[Hi I’m new]

@satinmoth

Hi. I hope you're doing ok today.  Welcome. 

[I’d like to say hi]

Hello, friend. 

I honor your grief and the sorrow of your experiences.  We will not look away from your pain here, nor will we devalue you. What happened to you is not your fault. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to process trauma. Your depression is not a character flaw. I see your light and the precious being that you are. May you find relief, comfort, nourishment, safety, and the resources you need to be restored.  

This community has been a lifeline for me. This is the only place I feel safe being completely honest about how the trauma and my ongoing ordeal are affecting me. I hope we are able to support your healing, too. 

Sitting with you, if you would like.  If it feels safe I will offer to place my hand on the back of your heart, between your shoulder blades for just a moment. I don't like to touch much anymore but when I feel very bad, and am with someone who feels safe, that is something I find soothing. I just want you to know that you are not alone. 

[New here]

On 3/5/2021 at 11:44 AM, Catjaz said:

Thank you all for words of encouragement and advice. I don't understand why this is happening. It's been 35 years. Only have a few memories tbh but they are bringing me to my knees. I just need them to stop

@Catjaz

Oh my heart goes out to you. I know this pain, very well. I know you are in a sensitive place, so please disregard this information if it is too much or sounds like advice. I'm not a therapist, but I've put a lot of time and work into understanding my own flashbacks. 

From what I can tell, at the time of the trauma, the part of my brain responsible for communication and processing sensory information got scrambled.  The sight, the smell, the feel, the sound, the taste, the emotions, the understanding and the words all get pushed into a temporary storage box called Coping. Over a lot of years, I have a lot more experiences big and small that get shoved into my Coping box, until the box is so full that it can't hold anything else. Suddenly I'm tripping over sights and smells and sounds and tastes and emotions and feelings that don't make any sense, and which I still can't put into words or use to gain understanding - and through understanding, peace.  I did a good job of living my life, but at the cost of ignoring all this very important information. No shame, no blame - I didn't make this mess but I have to clean it up. All the abandoned parts of myself are now demanding self expression and integration, because I'm strong and wise and mature enough now. 

I would give anything for peace on flashback days. 😕  The good news is that over time, as I work with the memories one by one, retract from non-supportive relationships, develop new daily living skills, find words, and honor all of those suppressed emotions from the present and past, the painful memories do ease. Some of the hardest ones are buried deep inside that box, and bit me in the a** just when I'm making the most progress. That's progress, too. 

Still sitting with you, if that helps. 

 

[New here]

I'm learning how to manage my flashbacks, too. Successfully haven't been hospitalized hugging myself since the end of September. Going in can be helpful in some ways but at the same time can also be a trauma of its own. I'm so proud that you went in - it shows how courageous you are, and how dedicated to your own healing. I hope they were able to help you. 

It's taking time but I'm beginning to understand my symptoms and better relate them to the SA/CSA instead of internalizing shame.  I haven't been able to make the flashbacks stop but am beginning to be able to use them cathartically so I feel less helpless in the big picture. 

My heart grieves for what you have been through. 

Sitting with you, if you'd like. 

[Hello, I'm new]

15 hours ago, AnnieO said:

 I have wonderful friends that want to be supportive, but do not fully understand the effects of such trauma. I am hoping that connecting with others that have had similar first hand experiences may bring support, comfort, and validation.

Welcome. I'm glad you're here, and I hope this forum provides solace.  I'm proud of you for recognizing your complex needs.

I have personally found a safety and anchor here that has been unavailable in any other part of my life. Not even with my therapist. I have discovered that I can come here in my darkest moments, and no one here will ever reinforce my shame, or make me justify my choices. It's been precious to have a place to say my nightmares out loud, and have my pain acknowledged in a world that wants to say it isn't real or that I can "choose" my way out of it. I have been able to step away for months while I have been in avoidance, and know that it is still safe to return for support if I go into crisis, and find many of the same friends, and grieve together. As I transition into recovery, and find a balance between avoidance and flashbacks, I believe this will continue to be a stable, supportive environment where my challenges can be understood, my triumphs celebrated, and helped to get back up when my face is in the mud.  

Anyhow, I just want to say that you're beautiful and brave and wise and strong. Thank you for being who you are.

[Hi, I'm new here]

@Srsly_Serendipitous

I'm sad that you are in the position where you've had to find your way here.  It is good, however, to be heard and witnessed in a most tender place. 

I hope you find the comfort, care, and nourishment your mind, body and soul so badly need right now, and that you find freedom in sharing stories, however painful they may be. You are a precious human and your voice makes a difference. Seeking support is courageous and brave. 

 

[5 Words To Your Perpetrator]

please, stop. please, stop. please. 

 

Please let me go home.