Idont know if I am replying correctly or not... bare w/ me
Well, Miss Wise and Miss I feel so FREE is feeling the pain, again.
More like confusion. I feel like a fish on a hook…. went for the bait again.
The guilt bait!
God, I feel like a slave to something I have forgiven, given back, and thrown out!
I wrote that letter to my father ( as mentioned in my first post ), and finally he writes back.
It was cruel, distant, and selfish.
Why, would I expect differently?
Its SOOOOO confusing when its your father. A man that actually really loved you, that you called daddy, that you found comfort in.
He says I need to forgive, and that he found religion. That he really doesn’t remember anything. This he says after admitting two years ago that boundaries could have been crossed when he was drinking.
Oh my goodness.. I almost threw up.
All of this was said because I wanted to be honest about not feeling comfortable talking on the phone w/ him .......because he has not been in therapy or found sobriety. .
Okay, no offence to anyone who is religious here, but that really pissed me off.
Its like he is hiding in this way of life. If he was one w/ what he calls God, why would he reply so selfishly? See, I know the answers to all of my questions, but I get stuck w/ guilt... I think.
He had the nerve to say that I did not love him.
What an ill man. God, I would never say that to my child.
I think what I have wrestled w/ my whole life is….. how to let go.
I was able to for a long time... let go, forgive, but than he started to call me. I made a pact w/ myself if I was to forgive, and to move forward I would only talk to him if I could be honest.
So when I am honest, this is what I get. A cold response.
He actually said he feels like he has to walk on egg shells around me. And that he feels he gets all the blame. That’s funny … thats how I grew up? I walked on egg shells… terrified that he might look at me in that way. If he only knew!
This molestation crap is not something you just get over.
I only confronted him two years ago. See, why would I give his words so much power.
Well, I know why...... because he was my father.
Kay, done venting.
What a waste of time, but than again, I am sure I am learning something from all of this, YET AGAIN.