New (Again?)

[hyperemotional]

*sigh* I was one of the posts removed during the server move or whatevs.

Had to re-register, the whole thing, and a moment of expression for me was lost forever. That's not easy for me to duplicate. I figured I'd feel ready to re-post when I was ready. I guess its now?

So, I... I was sexually abused by my "ffffrriiieeennnndddd" as I call him today. I guess this happened some 25 years ago or so. I think it started when I was 12ish, forgive me, that time period is hard for me to remember completely. Child on child sexual abuse. I won't go into the details here, but obviously child on child sexual is confusing and there's a lot of shame and guilt that made me feel complicit during the period it went on, preteen on into highschool. Then one day, I forced myself to stop thinking about it.

Other things were going on in my life during that period. I was bullied by school mates in middle school/high school. Just treated like trash for no apparent reason. Then I, somewhere in this period, started developing pain, pain I told my family about, but they ignored. Eventually, you stop telling people. Grades suffered, my overall well being suffered, and no one really seemed to care. I was always kind of left to fend on my own and I look back and can say, I was walking around from that point on suffering from some kind of ptsd.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago, there was a triggering event that finally allowed me to talk about all of this. I actually went on the internet and typed in on google, "can a child sexually abuse another child?" For the first time in my life, I finally got a tad educated about myself and to an extent, that helped.

I still got this pain, I get to have wild mood swings (some docs says I am bipolar), suffer from insomnia, and there have been panic attacks, and not the kind of support group from my family and friends that I wanted (I did tell them everything and in many cases, it just brought me annoying arguments and grief).

Anyway, I'm all for leaving the past in the past, but everyday I wake up in pain, I just feel like I am re-victimized. It's very demoralizing.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I do need to vent. I've been holding it in for over half my life. LOL

[louiseroi]

Hyperemotional, good to have you back. I was about the same age I was victimised, it was more of a csa 'sting', I too had a' frieeeennnnnd', but her job was to rope in the waifs and strays for her father to groom and set up for abuse(family business- nice).

Its so damaging on so many levels, I can relate, Coped by denial,living in my mind and intellect, until a sex assault aged 16 triggered a cascade which drip fed worthlessness into my consciousness until I finally reported the whole thing to police when I was in my 40s and since then trying to piece myself back together.

It is not 'normal' childhood exploration,playing doctors and nurses we are talking about here is it? It is prematurely sexualised children doing to others what's been done to them? That's indicative of a crime having taken place, you are entitled to victim support . It is quite hard to accept that. It took me 30 years.

I've had to use the word victim a few times, I prefer survivor. I coped by minimising and denying but the truth is its devastating. As children we have no idea of the significance of sex or of ourselves as one day being adult and choosing this as a way of expressing love. Instead we feel fear, revulsion, horror, pleasure,shame and I know that I have a big part of me got 'stuck' at age 10-12, unable to fully embrace and enjoy my adult sexuality the way I chose.

I would recommend a specialist helpline or counsellor or therapist. It sounds to me as if the conditions you suffer with (which are hard to treat) may be masking a PTSD type, post trauma related condition, which can be treated, by people who specialise in working with csa victims.

At least, that is what I am going to try and I hope that I can get helped to move on from this. I hope you can access the right support for you.

I told family and friends and what can I tell you? Its a good way of getting them to leave you alone. They don't know how to handle it. So give yourself some credit, for handling it.

[reglois]

if OK

[angelic]

hello and welcome to AS

my name is Paula, and I am one of the Newbie support team here, I hope you are finding your way around the board okay, if you need any help with anything, please let me know and I will do my best to help

take care, Paula