Hello, Newbie Here

[julia1]

Hi everyone,

My name is Julia. I'm 37. I was married 15 years - divorced now for 2 years, no children. Until last week, I never admitted that I was sexually abused as a child. I've somehow managed vicious patterns in my life - running away from good relationships, mistrust of men, communication problems, low self-worth, self-medicating with alcohol sometimes, and percocious sexual behavior. The past two years living as a single woman have been a nightmare. I don't know how I managed to survive.

I'm in therapy. I've found local support groups. I'm determined to change my life for the better.

The turning point was a man that I met in Dec. 2006. We lived together until Aug. 9 when I fled. Moved out. I had been going through a dark period; these bouts of depression and reflection that change my usual bubbly disposition into moody silence. He had wanted to know what was wrong. I could not force myself to tell him. I felt shame and like damaged goods. I lied and said that I'm just not ready for a family (he has kids, I don't). He tried to reason with me. I responded in anger. I moved out. I told myself it was better for him.

He was devastated that I fled. He kept in touch. He persisted. I found the courage to tell him. He's remained in my life, and supportive. He's the first person ever to say, "I love you. It's okay. We'll cope through this together." THAT inspired me to get help.

I was sexually abused as a child by a male family friend. My parents never believed anything I said about the abuse and they punished me for "lying." I'm estranged from my family. I do not care to ever reconcile.

Throughout my life I've had unpleasant experiences with men that have left me angry, mistrusting and totally screwed up. I use to attract the predators.... those men who are sadistic and careless. But I learned quickly to trust and listen to my intuition. I learned to say NO without fear.

When I have a relationship with a good man I run away eventually. I got sick of the questions "what's wrong? You aren't happy." I didn't dare reveal I was damaged goods. I didn't want to look weak or like a victim.

There are life patterns I must change in order to be happy and have healthy relationships. I want to stop living in secrecy and silence. I want to stop running away from good relationships. From age 19 - 37 (now) I've probably moved 15 times. I've never felt safe in any home; not living alone or with someone. I've been unable to trust men. These two feelings have caused my frequent moves. I'm running no where.

The past couple days have been difficult. I'm self-employed. I'm making mistakes and being flaky because my mind is consumed with FINALLY admitting the abuse and coping. I am determined to heal and manage my life better. God, it seems SO impossible and too great a feat, but having done nothing all of these years to cope and heal has not worked. I have been miserable.

I plan to read all the posts herein. I look forward to learning from other women, and hopefully once well on my way to healing, inspiring other women.

Julia

[teazle]

Hi and welcome to AS

I hope you find what you're looking for here

take care of yourself

teazle

[littleseahorse]

Hi everyone,

My name is Julia. I'm 37. I was married 15 years - divorced now for 2 years, no children. Until last week, I never admitted that I was sexually abused as a child..... I don't know how I managed to survive.

I'm in therapy. I've found local support groups. I'm determined to change my life for the better.

......The past couple days have been difficult. I'm self-employed. I'm making mistakes and being flaky because my mind is consumed with FINALLY admitting the abuse and coping. I am determined to heal and manage my life better. God, it seems SO impossible and too great a feat, but having done nothing all of these years to cope and heal has not worked. I have been miserable.

I plan to read all the posts herein. I look forward to learning from other women, and hopefully once well on my way to healing, inspiring other women.

Julia

Hi Julia, welcome to AS, healing does happen here and this is a soft spot to fall. We all cope in some difficult ways, the main thing is COPING AND SURVIVING. Your courage at facing and learning to be true to yourself and make change says so much about you strength, you have friends here, you can heal, trust your instinct and your gut and trust in the power of healing, best wishes LSH (PS, coping with shock of coming out, does make it a little rocky but it does get better)

[dodo]

Hi and welcome t AS

best wishes

karen

[live4now]

Hi, welcome to AS, glad you found us

Take gentle care

Live :

[Saltywaters]

Welcome!!

Jo

[Guest crazybeautiful]

Julia,

Welcome to AS!

i truly admire you for deciding to help yourself. it takes a lot of courage to do that...

i can see the strength of your resolve to truly make a turn for the better. you are on the right path hun, and we'd gladly support you here...continue to surround yourself with loving people who understand you and will encourage you on this journey to healing.

Crazybeautiful

[julia1]

I woke up this morning to find so many replies.....thank you!

I appreciate your support and encouragement.

Julia

[Daiseh]

Welcome

[angelic]

Hi Julia, welcome to AS. I am a CSA survivor too, so you are among people who understand what you're going through,

best wishes, paula

[-Nicole-]

Welcome to After Silence

I am sorry for what you have been through, but I am glad you found AS. I could have written most of your post myself, I went through many of the same things you did when I began dealing with the abuse issues. Keep posting, we're here to listen and support you.

Nicole

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!