Hello

November0406 · June 9, 2007

Hello, i have read some on this site and i really dont know where to go but this seems the place to start. Its hard to explain my story, its really been more of a mess of little things along the past few years that just kind of add up and just when i think im past all that im revisiting it. I have had a history of being 'used' so to speak by different men, and having to deal with sexual harrasment at many different jobs. A couple times it was to the point to sexual assault but i was to afraid to say anything. I have always been shy and kind of afraid of people. The one time i spoke out and i took my employer to court, he had an awesome lawyer and i had none because i couldnt afford one. It was the worst experience of my life. He made me look horrible. Ever since then i have let men treat me as they wanted because i figured that even if i tried to stand up for myself that it wouldnt do anything. Because of that I developed a low self esteem and problems with depression. I attempted suicide once but it was really more of a cry out for help because i felt powerless. I am now past all that and have been married for 2 and a half years and just had a baby about 6 mo ago and i should be happy but i just cant be. I am irritable and looking for a fight with my husband, who loves me dearly. I dont know why but part of me is pushing him to fight with me and treat me badly even tho i love him and he loves me.. I dont know why i am trying to hurt a great thing. On a more personal note I have encouraged him to try anything he wants 'in bed' which can be very rough at times. It brings up many bad feelings, but its so wierd.. i seem to thrive off of it. I dont know what normal ' relations are. It seems all screwed up. On top of it.. I want to have relations but as soon as it starts im not there, and all of a sudden i dont want it, even tho just a lil beforehand.. i wanted him soo bad. I dont know where to start with myself, i dont know what to do. I just want to sort things out and fix myself before anything more falls apart.. Im sorry this was so long.. i didnt really know what to say.. Any way.. thanks for listening ( reading) anyway....