Hi! I'm New And Need Help!

[Miss Sunny]

Hi to all! I'm new and I don't know where to begin. I'm 37 yrs. old and I had something happen to me when I was 5 yrs. old. I still can't except that it happened. I can't talk about it. I want to, but I can't. I just want it to all go away and to forget it ever happened. But I can't seem to do that. For most of my life I have blocked it out successfully. But lately it's been creaping up on me. The memories, flashes, you name it. I can't remember everything. It's all jumbled in my head. I try not to have the memories. I try so hard. I'm completely stressed out. It's actually starting to make me physically ill. I just want it to go away. I'm sorry about my wining. All of you must think I'm crazy. Do any of you feel like this? How do you get the courage to seek help or to admit to having had this happen? I can't even say what my story is. Not yet anywase. I just don't know what to do. Any advise would be great. Thanks for listening. Take care everyone!!

[girl_interrupted]

To me the fact that you're on here is a big step to dealing with it, you know that you want to share and in time i know that you will find the courage. I know what you mean though, i still can't even say it out loud. Best thing to do is not rush yourself into telling everything... just let it happen when you feel ready, we're all here waiting to listen and support you. Welcome to AS huni. lv mic x x x x x

[determined 1]

First, welcome to AS you are wanted and needed her sister!

My best advice? Just let it come, you cannot stop it, and you'll just drive yourself apeshit tryin'! LOL

We are here if ya need to vent.

Blessings to you!

[Katia60]

Hi,

Welcome to AS.

No you are not whining, and I don't think that members will think that you are whining. And no one will think that you are crazy, they will see that you are a survivor of abuse and trauma and that you are recognizing a need to heal.

I would suggest that you keep reading and posting and try to find some support friends here. That is a great beginning in healing. There are lots of great books. Reading "the courage to heal" really helped me, especially in identifying all of my problems/issues and has great suggestions for working on area for healing. If you have read it, I would suggest reading it again and keep posting and interacting with other survivors.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

[sisterinsurvival]

Yahoo, !
We love you, and are glad you've found AfterSilence!

WELCOME itsjustme,

I can identify with what you have written. I think the first thing you must realize is that you are one among SO many. I lived my entire life thinking I was the only one that had ever endured anything like this, but in actuality by that age of 8, 20% have been sexually assaulted and 1 in 4 of experience it by the age of 18. (http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAbout/statistics_2.asp) That means if you look out the window, every fourth person may have gone through something similar to you. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

As soon as you open a phone book and locate the name of a counselor, you will more than likely have found someone who knows whats you are going through. While I always thought no one would understand, I never realized that my responses to what had been done to me, where clinically normal, meaning that some researcher out there had spent time studying the effects of trauma and abuse on children and came up with our typical responses, and that college and grad students (1/4 or greater who have endured the same thing) were studying, so they could one day go out and help those of us who were still learning to cope and find voice for what had been done to us.

I had gotten to the point of anxiety attacks, when I finally reached out. In my case, I had heard the name of a local Christian counselor mentioned in a ladies group at church a couple of times, so I sort of had some idea about what I was getting myself into. That doesn't mean the anxiety or fear was any less when the time for the intake session occurred. I was terrified, but I got through it, and have developed a good, working relationship with my counselor. He happens to be a guy. You might need to think about which you would prefer, male or female, based upon your circumstances.

Just know, that when you do call, that the person on the other line is going to be familiar with working with CSA (childhood sexual assault). There are so many of us out here. It would be highly unlikely to find anyone who has counseled for any length of time who has not worked with counselees who have endured sexual assault.

I know that you feel isolated. In my day to day life, I can say that I have met one other person who has been open about the CSA of she experienced as a child and the aftermath that unfolded in her life, but she was an awesome SURVIVOR. She is now 60, and is quite the inspiration.

Here is something I posted to another thread earlier about memories.

Here is a link to complete thread here.

Questions about memories

New memories, flashbacks in my case, have bothered me over the last while. They started in March. These were the first ones I had encountered. I have like freeze-frame snapshots of the other aspects of my CSA, but these were totally new. I told my counselor that I didn't know what to make of them. That I had never told him anything that was not wholly true, but I just could not be certain about this. How could something happen to me and me just not know about it.

I just could not believe the images were real. These were like the others though, just very vivid snapshots of moments, not long protracted scenes. Writing that makes me realize that because of the similarity to the others, it would be illogical to think that they were anything but real. They fit the same pattern as the others. (Sorry to have a therapy moment in the middle of you thread, but I think I am.)

Anyway, All of the posts have been helpful to me.

One of the flashback came with extreme terror and a feeling of entrapment that prevented me from being able to escape. (Thanks Kelly for helping gain this insight.)

I am not the type to make up anything! I am too analytical for my own good and not given to histrionics. I would not have made up memories likes these. It is not of my nature. (Thanks Igbed for helping me see this.)

Maybe something in my ramblings will help you to think about your own circumstances, as we try to muddle through this together.

By now you may have come to know me as the long-winded one.
I hope this made you feel a little less alone, because there are many of us.

Edited May 16, 2007 by todlyn

[Survivors sanctuary]

It has all really be said by the others, so welcome to AS, you can be in control of what you post and when and that helps by starting to take back control over what happened to you .. The first brave step by everybody is to become a member then each step forward takes back a bit of you life ...