Into Tomorrow?

[Raindancer]

New here, hello everyone.

Been missing this the last years, just didn't realize it until lately. All those secondary effect in life, like relationships or lack thereof have taken a big hit. Been too shy in a world that so love confidence so am single and hurt about how long been single. My response to abuse was to become shier to not hurt others, yet the price has been high. Want to walk into tomorrow and have relatonships finally. Find it hard on dating scene as it is often games and is not great for maybe wanting a tiny bit of safe up front . The years alone is nearly a truama of its own being on the outside looking in. So am here for support and understanding as i try to put right in my life what should never have been wrong.

Am a bit off balance, yet can respond quickly when getting a safe chance yet since shier well i don't get safe chances so easily so it feels like after so much therapy that i am still paying a price that grows and the price was never mine in the first place. How do you keep prices from growing after working so hard to heal? I so want to walk into tomorrow rather than being judged as this or that and not mr hyperconfident (which often ends up being an abuser) in todays society which values that bit so much. May need support as I try to overcome the extended effects of abuse. It is time the price not be mine rather than the price going ever up and up.

I am 53 and single and my heart is broken by having watched life pass by and others in it but not me. Support others, try to listen, but get left out. The years have been unkind yet i try my best, How do i heal when the extended effects are such that i am behind in the game where others are keeping score? Secondary affects of abuse are so high in finding wrong mates or being seens as not a great choice for one when i honestly say I am afraid.

So am new here but not to this. Am looking forward to sharng again and getting support from others as I support others in their journeys.

Edited January 12, 2015 by Raindancer

[reidmallorie]

Raindancer, I identified with what you wrote here. I too have let a lot of my relationships fall apart post my experiences... Please feel free to message me. I am new here, but I am not new to the struggle of the healing process. Take care.

[reglois]

(((((((( Raindancer ))))))))

That is all I ever wanted too, some one to love me and for me to love back, though not sure if I even know how to love, never been shown

any except by my kids and that is different.

There are good kind gentle people out there that will love you for who you are, my daughter found one, she married him after being together for

13 years, he can't touch her though sexually, peck on the cheek, back rub, little signs of affection like that but they really love each other, they

have spats of course but her PTSD is subsiding dramatically.because she knows he will never ever hurt her. I also found a kind caring fella

even with my venrable years, (68) not his fault at all that I found I couldn't have any one near me and I mean near me so ours is a long distance

telephone friendship only and even then I cut him off for days at a time and he still accepts me for who I am, what I am saying is don't give up hope.

Don't grab desperately at chances, take your time to get to know the person before you confide in them, I had to tell my fella quite a lot because of

my some times bizarre behaviour but he still stayed around, didn't make me feel like damaged goods.

[Raindancer]

Thank you mallorie, I'm sorry you have had relationships hurt so deeply by your abuse also. Having a relationship fall apart because of this hurts. Was never your price to pay in the first place . What was said by Reglois is so hopeful.

Thank you reglois. You have helped ever so much. I can't say i never make mistakes or cause pain. I can say honestly that I hate to. What you say is so encouraging in a couple of ways. You both found someone and for that I am happy for you. You both needed a kinder hand finally. Some do not seek that. Sound like you two did. For a man, it is hard because of that appearance of confidence, which is seen as a strenght but many pretty not strong people use that appearance. That you were both attracted to gentler types who on the whole try and do the litlte things which really are big things I'm happy for you on and it gives me hope. Frankly, in a night club i will be one of the least popular types. I can do that act, but get sick to my stomach quickly as it is not real. My own insanity would be helped by a gentle hand. Having mine accepted would help it be more gentle yet. Just hearing that joe macho didnt win with either of you with the latest, and it sounds like last guys you will need, is so encouraging. Glad for your victories. What you say about not grabbing wildly at chances, you mean if at a dating site and someone cute likes me but something in their eyes looks pretty angry don't go there? gotcha! Will maybe take chances though, hopefully chancing the right type. And no, you were never damaged goods. I'm sorry you ever felt that way. You were hurt. Was it the person who hurt you damaged goods? Hard to answer. Hurt is part of life. If that is considered damaged goods living qualifies us all! Good to see you found someone who seems to know this.

[reglois]

My daughter was absolutely awful to her now husband, she was still going through therapy and was still soooo angry,

he put up with it because he knew that wasn't really her and blamed himself for triggering her. He is a survivor of severe

beatings and control by his father so he lacks confidence too. I would always be yourself, some one will be more attracted

to the *real, vunerable* you than if you try and be something you are not What I am trying to say is be age appropriate,

go to places that are appropriate for your age, no matter what age you feel in your head, learn not to accept abuse, I had

to do that with the first man I met after my *H*s death, thought I couldn't manage on my own, he was yet another abuser

and it took me three months to muster thestrength to get out, I seem to have abuse me written on my forehead as I have

been abused ALL my life and didn't know how to behave appropriately, been free for 3 3/4 years.

ooooh sorry to be a pseudo agony aunt

Edited January 12, 2015 by reglois

[Raindancer]

Thanks, I appreciate it. Being single is a by product of being myself and refusing to sell out. That takes strength yet is seen as weakness to appear shier. I'll have to remember that though, be in the right places or hopefully luck out and get to know the right people. For your son-in-law, yes there are times when the anger is coming forth so much it can get turned every place and if not full on transference the overall irritibility can be horrible. He must have been patient and given his own background very understanding. She finding someone who is good to her, yay! She has been needing that. So have you. I'm sorry you ended up with another abuser. That must hurt ever so much. Misunderstood you above and thought you were both with better men. Hope you can find one. Said something ealier about our roadmaps getting all messed up when abused. We travel the wrong directions and what we see as safe isn't and what we see as isn't maybe is. We just get all twisted in our directions. It can be scary as we find someone who is different as we haven't experienced it. How do you recognize a gentleman if you haven't actually been around one? think once we do we know what to look for more. Hard to recognize the signs if you hadn't seen them and for us all the signs were put up on the wrong streets so we go the wrong way. I hope you find a good travel guide. Healing can help with that. Getting soothing feelings to your heart from those around and then feeling the vibe of something different well that different stands out. You finding someone like that sure would be welcome i'm sure. Sorry if misunderstood you above thinking you both with better now. Coming out of a fog. See much more clearly yet still needing to clear a bit more. Maybe i was also hoping for ya. I very much appreciate your support and wisdom on this as it is a wacky world out there sometimes and I want to be with someone with whom both get saner, gentler, peace and true fun. Best to you finding that.

Edited January 12, 2015 by Raindancer

[reglois]

:rofl3:Given up on the idea of a man now I have found i cannot have one anywhere near me, my phone friend has to be enough,

sad for him though. My phone friend has born the brunt of a full force attack and was still willing to stick with me, I was the one to

back off because I realised I wasn't able to have a relationship even with a good man. Think we all have an imige of what a gentlrman

is like and maybe every ones idea is slightly different but if you treat some one how you would like to be treated yourself you cannot go far

wrong. Be true to yourself. Good looks are only a wrapper. Hope you find a special some one, she is out there somewhere.

[angelic]

hello RainDancer

welcome to After Silence

my name is Paula , I am one of the newbie support team here. I hope you are finding your way around the board okay, if you need any help with the board, please let me know and I will do my best to help if I can

take care, Paula

[Raindancer]

Hey Reglois, that you feel you can't be with a man I find sad. I'm sorry you feel that way. It can be hard to have hope when it hasn't happened before for being with one who treats you with a gentle hand. There are men out there who are very gentle, problem is them being where you can actually meet them. I hope you will, even if you do not hope for yourself. What you say about don't get caught up with the wrapping, that is a good point as some use their looks to get away with more. At the same time, some who have those looks get ever so tired of being accepted and used for their looks and want heart too. They want love so I will have to let the person show the heart she is and see how it goes. Some may have anger like your daughter did. Some will try ever so hard to direct their anger appropriately. Am at a contradiction of a place where it seems i am not in best position to be in any relationship as i need to heal yet the secondary effect of not having been in good relationships is what i need to heal from. How is that done? Well. . . . . with the right people i guess. Next step in healing. . . and it is scary! Had a meltdown several weeks ago that I hope was not seen by many, especially one person in particular as when I realized what I said i broke more than I ever had in my life. Too many inexplicable things in a short period. Some who knew about it said they would have gone crazy. I did! Trying to remember when things are too far beyond what is explained, it is time for direct communication so things do not get messy. So whatever the looks of someone is if they speak honestly, with good intention, and heart and gentleness it goes the right direction. However their looks are, that all looks like a good way to go so will just let heart show itself as everyone needs love and care. Thank you for the support as it is a time when i am scared and uncertain, yet when the heart is open is when we can heal and grow when things go well.

Hiya Paula, and thank you. Am glimpsing at different forums trying to ease back from a few years away from issues. I appreciate your concern. For letting you know if there is any help needed on the board, I appreciate that. And appreciation to you and the team here on getting past any problems getting registered and for support sent separately of forums. It is an unusual time and the care makes a difference.

Be gentle with yourselves

Rain

[Anya27]

Its been great getting to know u Rain ... U r just awesome ..very inspiring to read ur posts ..beautifully put .... stay strong and bigger and better things coming ur way . Be in touch .Have a great day ..Thanks for ur support .

Edited January 13, 2015 by Anya27

[Raindancer]

Awww ty so much Anya! That means so much to hear. That i can say something that means anything to others is nice to know as I have been out of this for several years. Hopefully can tune up a bit with the heart ear as it is. You too seem to really be helpful and there is a kindness to you. Thanks for your support too!

Be gentle with you there

Rain