Lost

[HalfVogon]

good evening everyone.

im truly sorry if I end up rambling on a bit only this is the first time in 12 years since I have actually reached out. im sure I will be about and posting a lot as things surface as I am now at the point where counselling has not worked and if I don't do something about the way I am now I will probably lose my marriage. My husband seems to think that because I am so cold regarding the abuse I went through that it means I haven't worked through it enough and he thinks its the main cause for the way I am regarding trust, barriers and sex.

Truth be told im so cold about whats happened because I have had to explain it to so many different people over the past 12 years that to me its just something that happened which was partly my fault. its done. its over. I cant change it so whats the point in going over it over and over again. (he thinks my thoughts towards it is unrational and therefore I need help which is why I am here. I partly want to know if its normal to feel like that and if I am beyond help!).

so much has happened recently im worried my husband is just trying to off some blame on what happened.

Am I so broken because of something that happened 12 years ago?

is there any hope of a normal life where I can go one day without looking in the mirror and being disgusted. where I can go a day without checking up on my hubbys every move. when I can believe he loves me and only me. when I can actually want and enjoy making love.

seems impossible to me.

[BrightEyes19]

I think its normal. I feel the same way. I do the same stuff. I check where my hubby is every minute he isn't right by my side... im sort of numb to what happened to me but I think its to try and avoid dealing with it. I don't want it to control me so I act like it didn't happen.

People deal with this differently and have different things to confront.

Welcome to AS. I hope this site is helpful to u.

[angelic]

^{Hi HalfVogon,}

^{welcome to AS, I;m Paula, one of the Newbie Support team here , don't think you are rambling, not at all, its good that you are willing to talk,., If you need any assistance on the board, please contact me or any one of the team}

^{take care, Paula}

[HalfVogon]

thank you all. it doesn't help that we are currently dealing with the large issue that my husband admitted he is an addict just over a year ago so we are trying to deal with that too.

its brought up all my insecurities and broken the little trust i managed to have with him. i don't know where to turn or who to talk to. one minute i fear its the end the next i welcome it.

the fact he's lied and manipulated me so much in the past is whats led me here. the recent thing is he thinks my attitude towards him and men and trust and relationships etc is all because of what happened. im not sure i can blame it all on that but its a good place to start.

i have attempted many therapies and none have been successful. i now have no where to turn

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.
Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found